


Hallucinogenics

by breatherepeat



Category: Bastille (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Developing Friendships, Developing Relationship, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Foster Care, Hospitalization, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Past Child Abuse, Substance Abuse, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-07
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:07:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 71,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26871136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/breatherepeat/pseuds/breatherepeat
Summary: Kyle is ordered to a fortnight stay in an adolescent mental health ward. There, he learns a lot about love and the wonderfulness of being different.
Relationships: Kyle Simmons/Dan Smith
Comments: 206
Kudos: 87





	1. Day Zero

“Hey, careful with my things!” Kyle crossed his arms as he watched the man go through his belongings. Everything he owned was in that bag. “I didn’t consent to you breaking my shit.” 

“Your parents consented to a thorough search of your belongings and person.” The man continued to go through Kyle’s things, a bit more gentle now. He looked about thirty, maybe a bit older. 

“They didn’t consent to destroying my things.” Kyle crossed his arms tighter around himself. Kyle wanted to add that his “parents” might have consented but they were not his parents. His foster parents agreed with the judge to send him here. “Please, that is all I own.” 

“Need to maintain safety and security of the building.” The man finished with his bag and told him to turn around and face the wall. “We can do this quickly and be done, or we can make a thing of it and it will feel like it lasts forever.” 

“You going to strip me?” The man at the secure centre he had been sent to last month had given him a full body search upon arrival and Kyle was not having that again. 

“No.” The man shook his head and pointed toward the wall. “A quick pat down to make sure you are not carrying any weapons or illegal substances.” 

Kyle went to the wall and put his hands out wide on it while spreading his legs. The stance had been assumed multiple times when Kyle was in custody. He was just happy it wasn’t a full body search. 

The man made good on his word and the pat down was over quickly. 

Turning around to face him, Kyle asked, “Did I pass inspection?” 

“Don’t be cheeky.” The man said but contradicted himself by grinning at Kyle. Kyle had met many men like him. Do gooders that thought what they were doing mattered. “The counsellor will see you now.” 

“He going to pat me down as well? Or are you the only lucky fellow that gets to molest new adolescents?” Kyle decided he would push the man a bit, see if he really was one of those do gooders or if maybe he had grown bitter over time. 

“Only me.” The man ignored Kyle’s implication and did not take the bait. 

Kyle smirked to himself. He still had time to get under his skin. 

Fourteen day stay ordered by the court. 

A fortnight with the nutters. 

Ugh. 

“Welcome, Kyle. Please, have a seat. Thank you, Jerry.” The older man said as Kyle and Jerry walked into his room. 

The counsellor smiled at Kyle and waited as Kyle sat across from him and Jerry left. Closing the door behind him. 

Kyle hugged his arms to his chest and tried to ignore the fact that the man sat in front of him looked like his father. 

Fourteen days to prove to them he didn’t belong here and then he could leave. 

Where he was going once he was “home,” Kyle was not sure yet. 

“My name is Lew. I facilitate the adolescent programme with Kathy. She works overnight. You will meet her later.” Lew said as he moved a large file to the middle of the massive desk in between them. 

Lew might look like his father, but thankfully he did not sound like him. Their tone was different and Lew had a northern accent. 

“You have a large file.” Lew kept his eyes on Kyle and Kyle moved his eyes to the floor. “I have worked here for close to fifteen years; almost as long as you have been alive. I don’t read the files anymore. I have found that most of them are inaccurate or leave out valuable information.” 

“Is this where I open up to you and tell you my whole life story?” Kyle knew the words were uncalled for, but he needed to feel this counsellor out. Too many of them were shite. 

“No.” Lew said with a neutral tone. “This is where I go through the schedule with you and provide the rules. You are here for fourteen days and I hope you make the most of them. Judging by the size of your file, you have been tossed around quite a bit.” 

Kyle lost count of the number of foster placements he had had since he was twelve. He had been in custody only once though. That he was proud of because most people he met along the way had been detained more than once. 

Kyle managed to hold off until he was seventeen to receive a custody placement. 

He had never been in an adolescent mental health ward until now. 

“We have a ‘lights out’ policy that states everyone needs to be in their rooms by 9:30. You don’t have to be asleep, but you need to be in your room. We wake at 6:00 and have our breakfast at 6:30. Afterward, you have free time until 9:30. Group starts and then individual sessions. Lunch is provided at 11:30. If you are not in session, you are free to explore the grounds and the common areas. You are never allowed in anyone else’s room. Ever. Dinner is at 6:30. Last group is at 7:30. Then more free time until ‘lights out.’ And then it starts over again. Weekends have the same structure as weekdays.” Lew paused and handed Kyle a pamphlet with the schedule on it. “If you lose this, there are multiple posters throughout the building. Please review the rules in your room. They will help you succeed here and advance through the programme.” 

“Do I win something at the end?” Kyle smirked as he took the offered pamphlet. His smile dropped when he saw Lew’s face again. Damn, they could have been brothers. 

“Yes. Your life.” Lew said without any irony. “This is your stay, Kyle. You will make of it what you want.” 

Kyle nodded his head because he had heard that before and it was always a lie. Everyone had an agenda and Kyle was just a small pawn in the game of life. 

“The last group of the night is starting soon.” Lew stood and started toward the door. “I will walk you there.” 

Kyle followed behind him but kept his eyes on the floor. He couldn’t look at him. 

Kyle had never been in a group counselling session before and he wondered if he was expected to talk. Maybe since it was his first time, he would have a pass? 

Lew turned a corner and walked into a room with eight chairs.

Fuck. Six other adolescents meant that Kyle might have to talk. 

“Good evening.” Lew announced himself as he walked to his chair and took a seat. 

The chairs were arranged in a circle and Kyle took the one next to Lew. Five other pairs of eyes were staring back at him. 

“Dan isn’t here.” A kid with long, brown hair said as he pointed to the empty chair. “You said he needed to be on time or his points would be reflected.” 

“That is correct.” Lew nodded his head and crossed his legs at the knee. “However, Chris, you were also told that constantly pointing that out to the group is unnecessary. It is not our goal to shame our fellow participants. Your points will be reflected as well.” 

Chris went to say something else, but he was stopped by Lew raising his eyebrow at him. Instead, Chris brushed back his hair and let out a sigh of disgust. 

“Okay.” Lew looked around the group. “Kyle is starting with us today and I will trust you will be welcoming to him. Please go around the group and say your names. Chris, since you are in a sharing mood, you can start.” 

“Chris.” Chris brushed back his hair away from his face again and Kyle saw the scars on his wrist this time. “My mates call me Woody, but I was denied that request here.” 

“Sally.” A petite, blonde girl said with a voice barely above a whisper. Her eyes were piercing blue and stood out against her translucent skin. She did not look well. “People call me Sally.” 

“William.” The boy next to Sally spoke. His hair was almost as long as Chris’ hair, but it was much darker and he appeared quite a bit taller than Chris. At least from the height difference of their torsos sat in the chair. “I go by Will.” 

“Frank.” The boy next to Will spoke quickly and was rocking in his chair. He was the only Black kid there and appeared to have a French accent. “Nothing stupid. Just Frank.” 

“Jen.” A girl next to Frank spoke next. She had short dark hair and black wide rimmed glasses. She was dressed all in black as well. “Never Jennifer.” 

“Thank you, everyone.” Lew nodded his head and looked around the group. “We were talking about what led us here in this morning’s session. There was a common theme of family stressors identified. Tonight, I hope to talk more about empathy and forgiveness.” 

Kyle rolled his eyes and shifted in his chair. He was so not looking forward to these groups. 

Halfway through Jen ranting about something and Kyle wondering if he could leave without anyone noticing, Kyle saw something out of the corner of his eye. 

There was movement at the door and a quick dash of someone entering the room. 

He had on a dark hoody over his head and he kept his face down as he moved from the door to the empty chair. 

Sitting down, he wrapped the sides of the hoody around himself and kept his face on the floor. One of his Converse shoes were red and the other was black. The red one was tapping silently on the floor and the black one was turned so that the side of his foot rested on the floor.

Kyle thought to himself that he must be Dan.

“Dan is late. His points will be reflected, right?” Chris cut Jen off as he blurted out his statement. “You said he couldn’t be late anymore.” 

“Chris, were we not just discussing this?” Lew raised a hand to Jen. “Jen, I’m sorry. We will come right back to that in a minute. Dan, your points will be reflected because you are late to group. Chris, your points will be reflected as well.” 

The Dan person underneath the hoody appeared to nod his head in acceptance and Kyle focused on the movement. 

Chris was pleading his case with Lew and Jen was shouting at Chris for interrupting her, but that all sounded like background noise now. 

Who was this Dan?


	2. Chapter 2

“This one is still responsive!” A loud voice broke through the ringing in his head. There were sirens and other distance voices as well. “There is a pulse and his eyes are tracking. Breathing is shallow.”

Kyle’s eyes found the owner of the loud voice and he tried to speak. The woman must have seen the fear in his eyes because she immediately tried to reassure him. 

“Oh, love, you are in my care now. Rest your worries.” It was dark and the blue colour of the lights flashed across her face. The wrinkles around her eyes suggested she knew what she was talking about. “All is well.” 

Kyle tried to nod his head, but it hurt too much. Kyle swallowed and tried to speak again. “Where are they?” 

“They are being cared for just like you, love.” The woman smiled and put something over his mouth. Kyle felt the oxygen moving through him and it made some of the ache in his chest go away. “That’s it. Breathe it in. All is well.” 

Kyle felt something poke his arm and then everything went black. 

Waking with a start, Kyle raised his hands to remove the oxygen mask from his face. Touching his bare face, Kyle came back to the present and looked around him to orient himself. 

Kyle hated sleeping in new places. 

The room was dark but Kyle had left a lamp on for the exact reason he just experienced. 

To better recognize where he was following the nightmare. 

After group, Kyle used his free time to gather more information. 

A rookie would go to Chris for all the gossip given his habit of sharing everyone’s business. However, that would run the risk of Chris then sharing your business. 

No, best go to the quiet ones. 

If one is quiet, it means they are listening. 

Sally was too fragile to have much information. It seems like most of her energy was spent simply remaining upright in her chair. 

Therefore, Kyle followed Will to the lounge area and attempted to strike up a conversation. 

Dan had disappeared as soon as Lew said the group was finished. 

With the hood covering his head, Kyle hadn’t even been able to see his face. 

“You seem like the man with all the answers.” Kyle sat next to Will on the sofa and gestured to the building around them. “What do I need to know to get through this?” 

“Lew is decent. Kathy is better, but Lew is decent. Jerry likes to try and impress Lew. Kathy knows better.” Will answered as he switched on the telly and went through the channels. Kyle was impressed that it wasn’t only the basic channels. “There are two others, Janette and Joe. Janette, Joe, and Jerry, ironic, huh? They are about the same. Janette will bring in sweets from time to time.” 

Kyle nodded his head. All good information. Kyle liked sweets about as much as the next adolescent male. 

“What about the residents?” Kyle lowered his voice even though they were the only ones in the room. “What do I need to know about them?” 

“Sally has an autoimmune disorder and an eating disorder, a dangerous combination. She is very kind and soft spoken. She looks younger than she is, a grand nineteen years old.” Will found a channel he liked and kept it there. “She has been here on and off since she was thirteen. Mostly on, apparently.” 

Kyle attempted to follow whatever was happening on the telly but his attention was on Will. 

“Frank is new. I don’t know much about him. He doesn’t like it here.” Will settled into the sofa more and moved his legs out straight, stretching himself. “Jen thinks she knows everything and is very mysterious with her all black clothing. She is a basic adolescent female that doesn’t realize she is not that deep. She cuts herself and her parents are wealthy.” 

Kyle hated to admit that he had called that as soon as he saw Jen. Not that she wasn’t valid, but she screamed many stereotypes. 

“Chris is a nice bloke. He has Asperger’s Disorder and likes to maintain order and consistency. He will get stuck on something and not drop it.” Will changed the channel as his programme went to an advert. “He is great at footie and will ask you to play. If you agree, you will forever be his favourite person.” 

Kyle laughed to himself. He wasn’t the best at football, but he liked the game nonetheless. He wouldn’t mind playing with Chris if asked. 

Will settled on the next channel and Kyle waited for him to talk about Dan. After one full minute of awkwardly staring at Will, Kyle asked him. 

“You forgot someone.” Kyle laughed to himself as Will’s face showed his mistake. 

“Oh, yeah. Me.” Will nodded. “I like to burn myself and my parents don’t like it. Every few months, they send me here and I ‘learn to manage my emotions better.’ I think they are afraid that one day I will try to burn them.” 

Kyle tried to keep the shocked expression off his face. Will’s parents were likely right in their fear given the casual way Will shared the information with him. 

Changing the subject, Kyle asked, “What about the quiet one? Dan?” 

Will went back to changing the channels again and shook his head. “No one knows much about him. Chris said he was here before but he didn’t look like himself. Chris never explained what that meant and I couldn’t be arsed to ask.” 

“Cheers.” Kyle crossed his arms across his chest and settled into the sofa to silently watch the programme with Will. Will sat in silence with him until they were told it was 9:25. 

After pacing around in his room and checking the clock one more time, Kyle found it was 2:30 and there was no way he was sleeping. His body was too keyed up from the nightmare and being in a new place. 

Kyle wanted to walk outside, but the rules prohibited that. Anyone found outside the building past lights out was automatically written up and put on strict watch. Kyle couldn’t chance that with his next court date in a month. 

The rules also said he was to remain in his room past lights out, but he could leave if he was attempting to find a staff member to speak with. 

That was a good enough excuse for Kyle and he shut his door behind him. 

The building was old and noisy, but thankfully the floor was quiet as he walked down the narrow hallway. There were lights lining the floorboards and Kyle easily made his way to the front room. 

Halfway there, Kyle heard music coming from one of the free rooms. It was faint, but that was definitely a piano. No one told him there was a piano here. 

Moving his head closer to the door, Kyle confirmed that there was someone in there playing it and he decided to be brave. Who else was breaking the rules? 

Kyle was surprised to see the same dark hoody from group sat on the piano bench. Much like before, the hood was up and Kyle was not able to see his face. 

Walking further into the room, Kyle realized that Dan must not realize he was there. Or, if he did, he made no move to indicate that he knew Kyle was watching him play. 

Kyle didn’t realize the song, but that wasn’t all that surprising. It had been ages since Kyle had played. His mother taught him and they had a piano at his house. 

Kyle had a lot of things before. 

Walking a few more steps in, Kyle heard that Dan was humming as well. 

“So you can speak?” Kyle blurted out without thinking it through. Apparently, that was something he would need to add to his list of goals Lew had him working on while he was here. 

Dan jumped in his spot and quickly stopped playing. Turning his head toward Kyle, Dan wrapped his arms around his middle and glared at him. 

“Sorry.” Kyle gestured to the piano and ignored that he was finally able to see Dan’s face. He wore glasses and appeared to have dark hair. “I couldn’t sleep and I heard music. I played before. Like, ages ago.” 

Dan gave him a blank stare back and Kyle wondered if maybe he was still dreaming. He knew he could speak, he had heard him humming. 

“I am awake, right?” Kyle laughed as he walked in closer and found that Dan hugged himself tighter in response. He was going to comment on it, but then he saw there was a notebook behind Dan. There were words and marks all over the page. “Did you write that? What you were playing?” 

Dan did not answer him, but quickly turned back to the piano and closed the notebook. That answered that question. 

Kyle waited for Dan to get up and leave or say something, but neither came. 

“Okay, then.” Kyle offered after a few minutes of silence and stillness from Dan. “It has been a laugh, but I will leave you to it.” 

Kyle took three steps backwards and found no response from Dan. Turning once he reached the door, Kyle opened it and walked through. 

Closing the door and leaning against the wall to the room, Kyle waited until Dan started playing again.

Oh, he was fun. 

However, there was something about him that was drawing Kyle near. Something that made him want to know more about him. 

Maybe he would be the distraction to get him through this stay?

After listening to him play for a few more minutes, Kyle decided he couldn’t afford to get into trouble so he made his way back to his room. 

Once there, Kyle went to his bag and took out the photo. 

Of all of Kyle’s limited possessions, this was the one he cherished the most. 

The happy family in it didn’t exist anymore. 

Of the five members, he was the only one that was still alive. 

Somehow spared. 

Kyle didn’t always look at the photo because it made his chest hurt each time he did. 

Giving them a sad smile, Kyle put it back in the book and back to the bottom of the bag. Underneath the few clothes he had and two other books. And his sister’s stuffed rabbit. 

Grabbing the rabbit, Kyle took it to his bed and sat with his back against the wall. 

Hugging it to his chest, Kyle kept his eyes open but turned off his brain. 

It was too much and he needed a break. 

The rabbit was soft and Kyle remembered his sister’s face when it was given to her. 

Kyle focused on that. 

Nothing else existed. 

At least nothing that mattered.


	3. Day One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I am writing this from an adolescent perspective. I respect mental health issues and the complexities of managing through them. The comments made in this story do not reflect my personal believes on self-harm or the various struggles of managing distress. All people are valid and have purpose.

By the second group of the first official day there, Kyle was completely over the experience. 

He was legging it that night. He knew the perfect way out and he would be done. 

Completely free. 

No more systems and agencies. 

No one telling him what to do or what he couldn’t do. 

He would be on his own. 

Like he had been since he was twelve. Just, this time, actually on his own. 

He knew how to make money and he could crash on the street for a few weeks. 

It was still warm enough in London. 

He simply needed to get through the second half of the group and then wait for 'lights out.' 

Then he was out of here. 

Gone. 

Good-bye. 

“Kyle does not know how to play football.” Chris said, bringing Kyle out of his daydream. “He said he knew how to play, but he was wrong.” 

Chris let out a short laugh and brushed away some hair from his face. He crossed his arms over his lap and looked toward Kyle. 

Kyle actually found himself laughing with him. Chris’ eyes met him briefly and then they went back to the direction of Lew. 

Chris was right. Kyle had made a fool of himself today. 

He fell twice. Once, tripping over his own foot. 

Chris scored on him the whole game. 

But, for however terrible it was, it was still the best part of the day. 

Kyle had still been awake when he was called for breakfast. He was not able to sleep after the nightmare and whatever weirdness between him and Dan. 

Kyle had zoned out and told himself he would sleep after the first group. 

But, Kyle went back to his room to rest his eyes after breakfast and fell properly asleep. At quarter to ten, he was woken up by Janette. 

Janette woke him from a dead sleep and he almost hit her as she shook his shoulder to wake him. 

It took a good minute for Kyle to become aware and realize where he was at and with who. 

Janette had a kind smile and Kyle found himself liking her before he remembered that no one that worked at a place like this could be trusted. 

She asked if he was settling in alright and if he had slept. She gave him ‘the look.’ The one that said that Lew might not have read his file, but she did. 

Kyle hated ‘the look.’ 

Kyle said he was fine and followed her to the first group. Chris pointed out that he was late and he needed his points reflected. 

Kyle agreed and folded his arms around himself. Looking around the group, he found that Dan was not there. Maybe he slept in as well. 

Kyle stayed to himself until after their mid-day meal and then he faked his way through his first individual session with Lew. 

Kyle had counsellors over the years. He knew what to tell them to make them believe he was fine. 

All he needed was fourteen days and he would be cleared of this. 

After bull-shiting himself through the individual session, he walked outside and found Chris alone in the yard. Kyle was exhausted, but Chris looked lonely by himself and Kyle wanted something to distract him away from the fact that Lew looked like his father. 

Kyle found that he almost was able to turn off his brain while they played. Chris took every opportunity to point out what Kyle was doing wrong, but it kept his mind on the game. 

Dinner went by quickly. Kyle was not hungry, so he ate an apple and then went to the group room. Determined to not be late this time. 

Lew make a joke about Kyle attempting to make up the time he missed in the morning by showing up early for the night group. Kyle nodded his head but didn’t laugh. It wasn’t funny, so he didn’t want to encourage that type of relationship with him. 

Dan did not show to the last group either. In fact, Kyle had not seen him all day. 

Chris waited until half past before he brought it up with the group. Right before he shared with the group how horrible Kyle was at football. 

Lew had brushed the topic away and said that Dan needed a day to himself. He had been given special permission to not engage with the group. 

Chris asked if Dan had hurt himself, because that was the only reason someone was allowed to miss the group. If they hurt themselves or they had a medical pass to stay in their room. Otherwise, Dan’s points needed to be reflected. 

Lew said that he doesn’t comment on other’s personal business and that the group should respect Dan’s privacy. Then he switched the topic to what everyone had done that day and Chris started in on the football story. 

Everyone went around the circle and said something. Kyle half listened to everyone else and continued to plan his escape. 

He was the last to speak before the group was over and he basically told the same story that Chris had said, only he emphasized that it had been ages since he played and he appreciated Chris helping him. 

Best to not give any indication that he was upset or planning on leaving. 

Nope, best pretend like everything was normal.

Like it wasn’t insane that he was in here with these groups of people. 

Ones that cut themselves, starve themselves, burn themselves, and whatever the hell Frank does. 

Kyle did not need this place. 

Kyle waited until 11:35 before leaving his room. He had his bag and he was holding onto his shoes to keep the noise down. 

He was going to go out the window in Lew’s office. It was large enough and he would start in any direction until he found his barrings. He was a Londoner, but he could survive in the woods for a few days. 

At least he was fairly sure of it. 

Halfway down the hallway, Kyle heard the piano and paused. 

He mustn’t have hurt himself that severely if he was up and playing the piano. 

Looking down the hallway to the light coming from the front room. Lew’s office was right next to the light. 

Or, did he see if Dan was really okay? 

The mysterious boy that was supposed to allow Kyle to make it through his stay here. 

If he left, it didn’t matter anyway. 

Looking between the light from the front room and music coming from behind the door, Kyle made his decision. 

“I thought you were ill or something.” Kyle said after shutting the door behind him. Kyle set his bag behind a chair. If Dan really looked, he would see it, but Kyle didn’t care. “Chris made sure your points were reflected for both groups. Do you even have any points left?” 

Kyle kept talking as he walked further into the room. If he was leaving tonight, there was no need to play nice with Dan. 

Dan did not turn around and he did not answer the question. He did stop playing though and shut his notebook, hugging it to his chest. Forever protected by the damn, black hoody. 

Kyle decided he would be bold and sat himself down on the other end of the piano bench. He was narrow enough that he could fit on the end without much bother. 

Kyle felt Dan stiffen next to him, but to his credit, Dan did not move. 

Kyle’s hands hovered over the keys and he tried to remember what his mum had taught him. The scales that made her clap and encourage him. Pressing down the keys, Kyle shook his head at his mistake and tried again. 

There it was. 

Kyle could feel Dan’s eyes on him and he decided he needed an answer. Knowing he might never talk to him again was making him extra bold. “Do you talk? Like, ever?” 

Kyle stopped playing and turned his head away from the keys to find Dan’s eyes on his hands. Dan was tapping with his fingers on the notebook the same scales that Kyle had played. 

Kyle waited a full minute and did not get any response. Sighing in frustration, Kyle turned back to the piano and decided he would attempt to play a song. 

Kyle made numerous mistakes and miss starts with his attempt. Dan’s eyes were still on his hands each time Kyle glanced his way. 

Kyle felt the frustration building up inside him. Dan still was not speaking with him and the stupid song was forgotten. 

Squeezing the fingers of his hands together, Kyle let out a loud sound of frustration. Dan startled next to him and then moved one of his hands down to the keys. 

With ease, Dan played a few verses of the song with one hand and then paused. 

Looking toward him, Kyle found that Dan was still hugging the notebook to his chest. His hand was turning a pale white with the pressure he was using to keep it to himself. However, Dan’s eyes were on his face. 

Dan had nice eyes. They were dark blue and popped behind the dark rim of the glasses. Unlike Jen’s wide rims, Dan’s suited his face. 

This close to him, Kyle could see that he had random freckles across his face and the pinkest of lips. 

Dan had his hood up, but peeking up from the sides were his dark hair. Kyle could tell it was long underneath the hood. Kyle wondered what he looked like without the hood. 

If Kyle was extra bold, he would push it away so he could take in the full sight of the boy sitting next to him. 

Before he could talk himself into it, Kyle felt Dan’s hand on his own and he felt himself startle. Dan’s hand was cold, but so very soft. 

Kyle allowed Dan to move it to the keys. Dan pointed to his other hand, the one out of his reach, and gave a slight nod when Kyle listened and moved it to its spot. 

Dan started playing again with his one hand and looked toward Kyle’s hands, waiting. 

Kyle complied and started playing with him. His fingers were bumping into each other, but the song was coming back to him. After a few verses, he found the notes and he was playing the song. 

Kyle smiled to himself as the song finished. Moving his hands back to their previous position, Kyle almost fell off the bench. 

“Better.” Dan said toward the piano. His other hand had moved back to holding the notebook to his chest. Looking in Kyle’s direction before quickly looking away from Kyle’s eye contact, Dan nodded his head. “Need to relax a bit more.” 

“You do speak.” Kyle was beginning to think that Dan was mute. That maybe he only hummed or made sounds. “Why didn’t you say anything before?” 

Dan shrugged his shoulders and Kyle wanted to shake him. Instead, he decided to turn more toward him and ask him more questions. Eventually he would need to answer him again. “Why were you given permission to avoid both groups? I’m only asking because I want that option. If I stay.” 

Kyle got Dan’s attention with the last bit and Kyle found that Dan lessened his grip on his notebook at Kyle’s words. Dan looked toward him again and then away just as quickly. 

Kyle decided to go with what got Dan’s attention and continue to speak to his plan. 

“I am going out Lew’s office window. You want to come with me?” Kyle hugged his chest tight and then let his arms down to his lap. Kyle found his arms too long and he didn’t know what to do with them. “I am going to London. Born there and I know my way around. Get a job. Make some money. You know, be on my own. No one telling me what to do anymore.” 

“What about your family?” Dan asked quietly. His arms were not holding tight to the notebook anymore and if Kyle was an evil person, he would take it then. Read through it and learn all of Dan’s secrets. “Won’t you miss them?” 

“My family is dead.” Kyle said with little emotion. He had been through this enough times to not give a reaction. It was more telling to see the other person’s reaction. And then ‘the look.’ 

“Oh.” Dan nodded his head. Moving the notebook so it was underneath his thigh, the one furthest away from Kyle, Dan moved his hands back to the piano. He played a few scales and then added. “Mine as well. Two years now. Car accident.” 

Well fuck. 

That is a first. 

Kyle nodded his head and moved his hands back to the piano. He tried to follow Dan’s fingers and found he was doing well. “Same. Only five years. Or five years and eight months. Nineteen days.” 

There was no ‘look.’ 

No attempt to say they were sorry. 

Both of them knew it wasn’t needed. Actually, it felt nice to not have to go through the motion of it. It could just be with them. 

Dan continued to play as he spoke again. “Two years. Zero months. Zero days.” 

Oh, Kyle thought to himself. No wonder Dan was given special permission for the day to sod off all obligations. 

And that he was in the music room after ‘lights out’ with no one bothering him. 

After playing randomly for a few more minutes, Dan stopped and put his hands in his lap. “You still leaving?” 

Kyle swallowed and laughed, moving his hands to his lap as well. “To be honest, I’m terrified of what is out there. Like, are we in the middle of nowhere? I’m a city boy. And look at me? Does this body look like it could defend itself against an animal?” 

Dan appeared to be sizing Kyle up to see if the statement rang true and Kyle laughed as he pushed his elbow into Dan’s rib. “Stop it.” 

Dan gave a slight wince but otherwise laughed with him. “Best stay here. I’m no better.” 

“Guess we are both stuck here, eh?” Kyle looked up and found Dan’s eyes back on him. Damn, those eyes were blue. Giving him a smile, he found it was returned and Kyle felt his chest warm. Feeling some of the boldness from before return, or maybe sleep deprivation, Kyle blurted out, “You have a wonderful smile.” 

As soon as the words were registered by Dan, the smile was gone and he was turning away from him. 

“Fuck, I didn’t mean it like that. I mean...not like that. Okay?” Kyle felt all that warmth from Dan’s smile leave him and he heard the stutter come back into his voice. “Just, just...you don’t, don’t find genuine, genuine smiles here, here. Lik-like, fuck.” 

“It’s fine.” Dan nodded and gave Kyle a brief glance. Kyle swore Dan was blushing but it could simply be the light in the room. Or Kyle’s eyes losing their clarity with all the blood rushing out of his head. “You want to play more or go to bed? Obviously, you are staying, right? Animals and all?” 

Kyle swallowed and willed himself to calm the fuck down. “Yes.” 

Thankfully that was enough of a response for Dan and Dan started playing again. 

With shaky fingers, Kyle followed him and tried to ignore how the warmth in his chest returned as they played together. 

Thirteen more days. 

Kyle didn’t need to go and do something stupid. 

Like falling for him. 

The mysterious boy that had a major thing in common with him. 

That spoke and played piano. 

The bluest eyes and the pinkest lips.

And a wicked smile. 

No, he didn’t need to do anything stupid like that.


	4. Day Two

Kyle went straight to Dan’s table after grabbing his breakfast and sat across from him. He wasn’t invited and had not sat near him before during meals, but Kyle figured last night was his welcome to sit there. 

Dan had on his forever black hoody and the hood was covering his head. And most of his face given that his head was turned down and focused on the toast in front of him. 

“I feel like I actually slept last night.” Kyle placed down his tray and went through the options that he grabbed. He was hungry as well. He hadn’t been hungry since he learned he was being sent here. “I hate sleeping in new places.” 

If Dan heard him, he did not make any move to indicate that he was listening. Dan didn’t have the notebook, but his arms were crossed against his chest and he was hugging himself tight while he had a staring contest with the toast. 

Kyle bit into his muffin bar and decided maybe Dan wasn’t the most talkative in the morning. Or, ever, really. 

During Kyle’s short stay at the treatment facility, he had only ever heard Dan speak last night. Dan was late to groups, or didn’t show at all, and he never participated. He did not sit with anyone during meals that Kyle had witnessed. He never saw him in the common areas with anyone. Kyle was beginning to question whether he imagined Dan had spoken to him. 

Kyle continued to chew while he watched the scene in front of him. Dan sat completely still and Kyle wondered who was winning, the toast or Dan. 

Jen was chatting with Sally and Will at the other table. She was being released and giving out her home address. She said she would like to keep in contact with everyone there. That she had a great time and would miss them. 

Kyle almost threw up in his mouth. Once he was done with this place, he never wanted to speak to anyone here again. 

Reaching for his orange juice, Kyle contemplated whether he wanted to keep in contact with Dan once either of them left. 

Fuck, Dan could leave at any time and he would be left here alone. 

“When do you leave?” Kyle set down his juice and tried to keep the question casual, but he felt his voice shake. “I mean, you were here before me?” 

Kyle ignored the fake tears that Jen was performing for her audience and pushed away the rest of the food. He wasn’t hungry anymore. 

And Dan had yet to move. 

“I know you talk now. The gig is up.” Kyle leaned forward as he lowered his voice. “Answer me. Please.” 

Dan continued working on his statue pose and did not answer him. 

After counting to three, Kyle let out a long breath. “Fine. I will go. Sorry to have wasted your time.” 

As Kyle piled the untouched food back on his tray, he felt something take hold of his foot. Looking down to it, he found both of Dan’s feet holding his foot in place. One on each side. 

Kyle felt himself smile and it made Jen’s fake tears bearable. 

Unloading the food again, Kyle felt that warmth in his chest return. 

Dan continued to have the staring contest with his food and hug himself tight, but his feet didn’t move either. 

“That’s cool if you don’t talk during the day.” Kyle said to try to redeem himself from attempting to leave when Dan obviously wanted him to stay. “I have had many days where I refused to talk. Mainly because I was in trouble or cross with someone.” 

Will was heard telling Jen to get herself together and Chris was heard reciting his address with each number and letter slowly enunciated.

Dan brushed one of his feet against Kyle and then abruptly left, taking his toast with him and throwing it away. 

Kyle watched him leave and found that his foot was now cold. 

“I cannot wait until she is gone.” Kyle laughed to himself as he heard Frank walk by and declare his statement loudly to anyone who was listening. Jen was trying to hug the small group around her and Chris was shouting, “Violation! Violation!” 

Kyle finished his food and returned to his room briefly before heading to group. 

Jen’s parents had already picked her up in a fancy vehicle and Kyle knew there was going to be an extra seat. 

Sitting in the spot next to the chair Dan always sat in, Kyle looked around the room and waited. He probably had ten minutes before anyone else arrived and he spent it going through the resident’s artwork on the walls. 

“Are you making this a habit?” Lew smiled at him as he entered the room. He was dressed in his usual business trousers and button up shirt. His hair was a bit of a mess, the tight curls not held as tight that morning. 

Kyle had a flashback to his father leaving for work in the morning and his face must have shown it because Lew stopped walking toward him. 

“You alright?” Lew seemed genuinely concerned and Kyle almost answered him truthfully. 

Shaking his head to clear his thoughts, Kyle told him he was fine and was grateful that others started arriving. 

“Is Dan excused from group again?” Chris asked as he walked in the door. “He needs to go to group as part of treatment. Residents will not be forced to talk during group sessions; however, they are required to attend all group sessions. It is rule number four.” 

“Good morning, Chris.” Lew smiled toward Chris and he sat in his usual chair. “I admire your ability to recite the rules I created back to me. Dan will be in group today, yes.” 

“Good morning, Lew.” Chris nodded his head as if he remembered something. Afterward, his attention seemed to wander. 

Kyle looked toward the door and told himself to relax. Dan was going to be in the group, but he was always late. And it was still early. 

“Jen is gone.” Will sat in his chair and looked toward Kyle. “You sitting there now?” 

“Yes.” Kyle nodded his head and moved his hands underneath his thighs so he was sitting on them. Hopefully he did not break some unwritten rule about changing spots during group. However, if he did, Chris would have likely pointed it out to him right away. “I like to change things up.” 

“Do whatever you want.” Will looked around the room and then returned his attention to Kyle. “You going to talk today? We need to fill the silence that Jen’s absence will create.” 

“What do I talk about?” Kyle asked, starting to feel more nervous as the time clicked closer to the start of the session. He had made a few comments throughout the sessions, but he was not prepared to say anything meaningful. 

“I dunno. Make it interesting.” Will shrugged one shoulder and then gave a small wave to Frank. Frank let out a dramatic sigh that only a French person could make and sat in his chair. Kyle was sure that Will was messing with Frank just to upset him. 

“You sitting there now?” Frank’s disgust with the world was added in his tone. 

“Yes.” Kyle answered and leaned forward in his chair. Maybe Chris wasn’t the only one obsessed with following the norms. “That a problem?” 

“Do whatever the fuck you want.” Frank turned away and toward Chris to cut Chris off before he could speak. “I don’t care, Chris. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuc-” 

“Enough.” Lew laughed as raised his hands to settle everyone. “Frank, please. Language. Chris, his points will be reflected. Everyone else, welcome. You made it to another morning. Congratulations. We will start. I’m sure Dan will be here soon.” 

Kyle looked toward the door at the mention of Dan’s name but he was not there. 

Sally started the group off by talking about her sadness that Jen had left. She said that Jen was the only other female resident there, and while they had nothing in common with each other, she didn’t like being the only female left. 

Lew was in the process of explaining the different forms of grief and processing change when Kyle saw something out of the corner of his eye. 

A blur of black sat next to him and Kyle smirked in his direction. 

Dan had his hood over his head and his eyes cast down, but for one brief moment, Dan’s eyes had been on his and he smiled at Kyle. 

It wasn’t as nice as having Dan’s feet cradle his foot or them playing piano together, but it was nice all the same. A moment for only them. 

Kyle felt that warmth spreading across his chest and he focused his attention back on the group. And off the boy sat next to him. 

Dan did not speak during group and left with a quick smile in Kyle’s direction. 

Kyle found himself outside playing football with Chris until their mid-day meal. Unfortunately, Dan did not attend the meal. 

Afterward, he had his individual session with Lew. 

They went through the small talk and how Kyle was settling into being there. Kyle said the typical answers and waited for the hour to be up. 

“Kathy said that you and Dan have been getting closer.” Lew said as he set down his coffee mug. “That you are joining him in the music room after hours.” 

Kyle’s neck snapped up and he looked at Lew with dread. Was he going to be reported? Kicked out? He would have given anything to leave yesterday, but he didn’t want to go now. 

Not when Dan was talking to him and giving him smiles. 

And holding his fucking foot. 

Who does that? 

“You are not in trouble.” Lew added, likely seeing the reaction on Kyle’s face. And the tension in his posture. “Dan is allowed to leave his room at night. Music is great for the soul. He will not play around anyone else. Kathy said you play?” 

Kyle nodded his head and swallowed his words. Lew didn’t need to know the whole story. Or, maybe he already did. What else had Kathy told him? 

Did she tell him that Dan had walked Kyle to his door last night? 

That Kyle had jokingly asked Dan into his room? 

Or that Dan had left with haste to his own room in response? 

“We like that you are making friends. That Dan is making friends.” Lew continued, appearing to try and calm Kyle more. “However, the other residents do not know Dan’s special arrangement. Please don’t mention it to them.” 

“Does that mean I can still join him?” Kyle blurted out and hugged his stomach, feeling it swirl around. “Since I won’t say anything. My playoff is being able to have the same arrangement?” 

“That sounds a bit dishonest, but yes.” Lew nodded his head and took another drink of his coffee. Kyle couldn’t look at him and moved his eyes to the floor. “Again, we like that you two are making friends.” 

“Okay.” Kyle told himself to breathe and stop the urge to stand to leave. “Thank you.” 

“You are welcome.” Lew answered with a kind tone. 

The silence lingered in the room and Kyle wondered if there was something else he was meant to be doing. They had a few more minutes left, but Kyle was not offering a topic. 

Kyle kept his eyes on the floor and off Lew’s face. 

“You look like my father.” Kyle found himself speaking before he could stop himself. He wasn’t prepared to speak, but obviously some part of his brain needed to get it out in the open. “It is unsettling.” 

“I did not know that.” Lew’s tone remained the same, genuine and caring. “I would imagine it would be very unsettling to have a reminder of him. You want to talk about him? Them?” 

Kyle shook his head slowly. Nope. 

He didn’t talk about them. 

Ever. 

Because Kyle knew if he did, his heart would shatter and there would be no coming back from that. 

Kyle buried his emotions about them with their bodies. 

Their funerals were held together a few weeks after the accident. 

They had been postponed until after Kyle’s operation and recovery. 

His new foster family attended the funerals and then Kyle had a new life. 

“That is fine.” Lew shifted in his chair, likely leaning forward. Counsellers like to do that with difficult topics. “If you do, that is why I am here. We need to go through difficult emotions to get to the other side. But, there is no universal timeline for going through it.” 

Kyle let the silence be his answer and Lew said the session was over after a few more minutes of sitting there. 

Kyle walked around the inside of the building and was not able to find Dan, so he went to the music room on his own. 

Kyle played until dinner. 

Kyle felt relief when he saw Dan in the dining hall and sat across from him as he had done at breakfast. 

Kyle didn’t waste time asking him questions or attempting to get him to speak. Instead, he moved his feet closer to Dan’s and copied him. Holding Dan’s foot in place and allowing himself to release more tension from the day. 

Kyle smiled when Dan gave him a quick glance and then started eating the meal. Dan’s attention went back to his dinner and they ate in silence. 

Dan only moved his foot as they were standing to clear the table. 

Kyle tuned out the second group, taking advantage of the rule that while he was required to attend, he did not have to speak if he did not choose to speak. 

Dan was on time to the group and received praise from Lew. 

Chris pointed out that it was the first time that Dan had arrived without his points needing to be reflected. 

Sally then went into some story and before Kyle knew it, he was in his room and staring at the clock. 

Time slowed down and the minutes wouldn't move. 

It wasn’t even time for ‘lights out’ and Kyle was itching to get back to the music room. 

To share time with Dan. 

To play music and forget the rest of it. 

To hold feet. 

And to have Dan talk to him again. 

He missed his voice. 

Kyle had a million questions for him. 

After what felt like forever, Kyle decided enough time had passed between ‘lights out’ and an accepted time to leave his room. 

Kyle rushed down the hallway and opened the music room door. 

If Kyle had been paying attention and not rushing into the room, he would have heard that there was no music coming from it. 

Kyle ran his hand through his hair and ignored the raised line of skin on the back of his head. 

The scar that would never heal. 

Kyle’s reward for not wearing a safety belt. 

He had been thrown from the vehicle because he had been careless. 

And yet it was that careless move that saved his life. 

Kyle looked around the room, foolishly thinking that maybe Dan was there but out of view. 

Sitting at the piano bench and feeling like it was much larger than he remembered, Kyle raised his hands back to the keys. 

He was telling himself that it was only his imagination that he could smell the smoke. 

And the crackle of the flames as parts of the vehicle burst. 

He was barely conscious before the angel with the blue lights found him. There was no way he could remember the details. 

Hitting the wrong note, Kyle took his hands away from the keys and pressed them together. 

“That isn’t right.” Kyle heard from behind him. “You need me to show you how?” 

Kyle pushed away all thoughts of smoke and grief and sadness. 

“You are late. Your points will be reflected.” Kyle smirked as he turned and found Dan standing directly behind him. From this angle, it hurt Kyle’s neck to look at him. 

“Literally, fuck off with that.” Dan made his way around the bench and sat down. 

Brushing back the hood off his head, Kyle was rewarded with the wonderful mess that was Dan’s hair. It defied all laws of physics as it stood straight up in multiple directions yet still looked soft. 

Dan pushed back his glasses and then started in on the song Kyle was attempting to play. “See, it is better when you actually use the right notes.” 

“Where is your notebook?” Kyle ignored his comment and moved on. It was odd to see Dan without his hood covering his head. It was even odder to see Dan in the music room without the protected notebook. “Don’t tell me you put it in your hair for safe keeping.” 

Dan’s jaw dropped and he removed his hands from the piano. He gave him a silent stare at first and then started laughing. “Okay, that was funny.” 

Kyle laughed with him and found the memories from the past leaving him. 

Dan’s foot moved over and rested along Kyle’s. He wasn’t holding it like this morning, but it was nice. 

“Why don’t you talk during the day?” Kyle was too curious not to ask. “Like, is there a reason?” 

“I don’t like talking.” Dan shrugged his shoulder and went back to playing. He switched to something that Kyle did not recognize. “And I’m rubbish at it.” 

Kyle pushed his foot against Dan’s more, afraid that he was going to move it away. “But you talk to me. Right now, you are talking to me just fine.” 

“I dunno. You are different.” Dan said without any added emotion. He made a mistake and scrunched up the side of his face. 

Kyle felt that warmth return to his chest and he acted without thinking. Leaning forward, he kissed the spot where Dan had a wrinkle on his cheek. 

“Fuck. I’m sorry.” Kyle moved away from him and took his foot back from Dan’s. Covering his face with his hands, Kyle told himself to not do something stupid like run out of the room. “I didn’t mean that. Fuck. Damn.” 

“Your points will be reflected.” Dan said after a long pause. Kyle moved two of his fingers away so he could peek at Dan. Dan’s face broke into a smile as he giggled. “No cursing allowed. Rule number eight.” 

Kyle found himself laughing with him. Lowering his hands from his face, he waited until he had Dan’s eyes on him again. “We shouldn’t be mean. Chris is a nice bloke.” 

“True.” Dan nodded and broke eye contact. “You need to practice more with him. You are terrible.” 

“What?” Kyle straightened his back and watched as Dan’s fingers went back to the keys. He didn’t play anything, but they moved without pressing down. “Have you been spying on me?” 

“I wouldn’t call watching you in an open field spying, but okay paranoid.” Dan looked at him briefly and then started playing a new song. It was a classical one and Kyle smiled. “I have to find something to do to pass the time here. I have already been here three times. The piano is the only thing that gets me through this.” 

“And, apparently, watching me play footie?” Kyle teased and wondered how he got so brave to openly flirt with him. Maybe it was because Dan’s foot had found his way back to Kyle’s foot. 

“Actually, yes.” Dan hugged his chest and turned toward Kyle, but kept his head down. All Kyle could see was a mess of hair and he was tempted to go through it and see if there were any hidden treasures in there. “You are helping as well.” 

Kyle almost made a fool of himself and let out a loud sound, but instead moved his hand over and rested it on Dan’s thigh. 

Dan unwrapped his arms and put his hand over Kyle’s hand. It stayed there for a full five seconds and then it left him. Going back to the piano. 

“Do you want to learn a new song?” Dan’s voice sounded deeper. 

Kyle agreed and for the next hour they went through the different notes. Dan admitted that he wrote the song but he wouldn’t give Kyle the title of it. 

Kyle teased that there were likely lyrics as well and he bet that they were written in the notebook. 

Dan did not confirm it, but he also did not deny it. 

Like the night before, Dan walked Kyle to his room door and they said their good nights. 

Kyle wanted to kiss Dan’s cheek. The spot he had kissed before, but that felt too bold. 

Before he could make a joke about it, he had Dan resting his forehead against the side of Kyle’s head. Kyle's bet was right, Dan's hair was soft. Then Dan was leaving him. 

Walking down the hallway toward his own room. 

Kyle hugged the plush rabbit close to his chest as he fell asleep. 

Only in his mind, the soft fur of the rabbit was Dan’s hair.


	5. Day Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Major trigger warnings for this chapter.

Kyle woke up with a smile on his face. 

An actual fucking smile. 

Kyle wasn’t sure the last time that happened, but he knew for a fact that it was prior to the accident. 

The smile stayed on his face throughout his morning routine, making brushing his teeth a bit more difficult because of the shape of his mouth. 

Dan had walked him to his door again last night. 

Halfway to his room, Kyle took Dan’s hand and Dan allowed him to hold it. 

Dan gave him the shyest of smiles; his eyes glued to their feet as they stopped and turned toward one another near Kyle’s door. 

Kyle almost leaned forward to kiss his cheek or his forehead or something, but before he could get the courage, Dan stepped in closer and gave him a short hug. 

Dan’s arm wrapped around Kyle’s back and then he was gone. Kyle didn’t even have time to react to the touch. 

As Kyle walked into the eating area, he found the room somber and there were extra people in the room. 

And certain people missing. 

“Good morning, Kyle.” A darked haired woman said as she saw him approach the room. She was younger than Lew and appeared Indian. Kyle had yet to meet her, but he was certain she was Kathy. The woman that knew Kyle and Dan were meeting in the music room at night. “I’m Kathy. It is nice to finally meet you. Please have a seat. There is something we need to discuss as a group.” 

“Dan is late.” Chris said from his spot. He was rocking slightly back and forth in his chair, his fingers digging into his wrist. “Sally is late.” 

Kyle took the empty chair in between Frank and Will. Chris sat on the other side of Will. 

Kathy and Lew sat in front of them. Jerry was near the window. Janette stood behind Kathy and Lew. 

Joe was not there. 

“We need to discuss some events that occurred early this morning and late last night.” Lew began. His tone was low and he was speaking slower than usual. Kyle had been given bad news before and he knew whatever Lew was about to say was going to be bad. 

“Dan is late. Dan is not here.” Chris dug more into his wrist and appeared frustrated with the confirmation that this was going to be a serious talk. “Sally is late. Sally is not here.” 

“That is correct.” Kathy nodded her head; she was keeping a close eye on Chris. “Chris, I need you to remember your skills right now. What replacement behaviour could you use right now?”

“Holding my hands together.” Chris answered and then did it. He continued to rock in his chair but a bit more aggressively. “My wrist hurts less when I do this.” 

“Excellent response, Chris.” Kathy gave him a smile despite Chris’ eyes being on the ground. “As Lew was saying, we have something we need to discuss. There are two residents that are not here this morning.” 

Kyle felt his heart drop in his chest and he looked between Lew and Kathy. Dan was always late and he figured that he would be coming in at any moment. 

Kyle did not have a relationship with Sally and he did not care that she was not in the room. 

“As everyone is aware in this room, emotions are powerful. At times, they can overwhelm us and our brains struggle to manage the distress.” Lew’s tone was too soft for the words he was saying and Kyle felt his stomach drop with his heart. 

“Are they dead?” Will asked with little emotion. His arms were crossed on his chest and his legs crossed in front of him. “Is that the reason for this meeting? And your voices?” 

“Are they dead?” Chris echoed and rocked harder in his chair. “Dan and Sally are late. They are not here.” 

“Sally decided that she needed more intense treatment. We coordinated with another clinic and she left this morning. She said she wanted to say ‘goodbye’ to everyone and she was upset that the transport arrived so early.” Kathy looked around the room and waited for everyone to process the information. “She will not return to us.” 

“So is Dan dead?” Chris asked, pausing his movements as he listened. 

“Stop saying that!” Frank leaned forward and shouted past Kyle in Chris’ direction. “Let them speak! We could have known by now if you shut your face and let them talk!” 

“Frank, please. That is not helpful.” Lew’s tone was soft again and Kyle knew it was true because no one was denying it. 

Dan was dead. 

A wave of nausea moved through him and he fought to keep himself contained. 

He would never see that smile again. 

He never would be able to kiss him. Properly kiss him. 

Kyle knew it was stupid for fall for someone. 

People only leave you. 

“Dan was taken to hospital late last night.” Kathy spoke and interrupted the armageddon in Kyle’s head. “He was found in his room with a knife and he required medical attention. He will return to us once he has been cleared to resume treatment here.” 

“Dan tried to kill himself?” Chris asked as he started rocking again. “Did he cut himself? I cut my wrist and I went to hospital.” 

Kyle sat up straighter and found it was getting harder to breathe in the room. 

Dan had been quiet the day before, but that was typical. He went to groups and remained quiet. He ate his meals with Kyle. 

He was waiting in the music room for Kyle and they played a few songs together. 

Dan shared another song with Kyle. 

Their feet and legs had been pressed together. 

Kyle had made Dan laugh. 

Kyle had laughed with him. 

Dan walked him to his room. 

He fucking held his hand and hugged him. 

Then he goes to his room and tries to kill himself? 

What the fuck was that? 

“Yes, Chris. We believe that Dan was deliberate with his injury.” Kathy spoke to the group. “This is a treatment facility and it is important that we remain vigilant of one another here. Dan was not allowed to have the knife in his room. We believe he took it from the kitchen a few nights ago and it was not reported missing. We have someone coming to change the locks on the doors. Additionally, Joe is no longer employed here because he failed to report his keys went missing a few days ago.” 

A few days ago? 

Dan had the knife in his room the whole time he had been flirting with Kyle? 

Dan had been encouraging Kyle to fall for him and he planned on killing himself all along? 

Kyle squeezed his arms tight around himself and turned his head down to his feet. 

The prat had held his foot. 

“We understand how upsetting this is and recognize that this might trigger some intense emotions.” Lew said to the group. “Kathy and I will be available throughout the day if you would like to process this outside of group and individual sessions.” 

“Dan is not dead?” Chris asked and then started screaming as Frank stood up from his chair and lunged toward him. 

Will bear-hugged Frank from behind, holding his arms to his sides as Chris stood and ran from the room. 

The echoes of Chris’ voice screaming “Violation” could be heard in his wake. Janette told the group that she would process with Chris. 

“Frank, please come to my office.” Lew stood and nodded toward Will. “Will, thank you. That is enough. Kindly remove yourself from him.” 

“Whatever.” Will placed Frank back on the ground and stood back when Frank attempted to elbow him. “Easy there, I will end you.” 

“Will.” Kathy said as she stood in between Will and Frank. Frank, to his credit, followed Lew in the direction of his office. 

Will raised his hands up and gave an innocent look. “You are welcome.” 

“Will, come with me.” Jerry moved from his spot near the window and nodded his head in the direction of the door leading outside. “Let’s get some fresh air and remind ourselves that words have meaning.” 

Soon, Kyle was left in the room with Kathy. 

If Kathy thought Kyle was going to talk to her about this, she was wrong. 

The thing with Dan was done. 

He didn’t even like him that much. 

Just a distraction to help get through these days. 

Kyle could play the piano on his own. 

He didn’t need Dan. 

“You and Dan were becoming close.” Kathy interrupted Kyle’s thoughts and Kyle shrugged his shoulder in response. The nausea he had felt earlier was still there but Kyle was fairly certain he would not be sick. “It must be hard to hear he is not doing well.” 

“He didn’t tell me anything. Like, tell me he was going to do that.” Kyle shifted in his chair and went back through all his interactions with Dan. Dan was odd, but Kyle had not gotten the vibe from Dan that he was a danger to himself. “Or that he had the knife. I don’t do that.” 

“Okay. I believe you.” Kathy’s tone changed to a neutral one. The therapeutic one was gone and Kyle was thankful for the change. “I read your file. You have been dealt a difficult hand, but I did not see concern for suicide.” 

“Congratulations.” Kyle heard himself make the rude comments but he didn’t care. “Chuffed to know you are able to read. Lew doesn’t know how.” 

Kyle looked up after he did not get a response and he found Kathy’s warm eyes watching him. She looked like she thought she had Kyle figured out and Kyle wanted to prove her wrong. 

“Don’t believe everything you read.” Kyle knew it was lame, but his brain was not firing at full capacity at the moment. “You don’t know me just because you know a few things that happened to me.” 

“You are right.” Kathy nodded her head and remained calm. She did the counsellor move and leaned forward as she spoke, “But I would be honoured to hear more from you. In your own words.” 

“What you searching for?” Kyle felt the nausea turn to anger and he spoke without thinking. “You want to know how fucked up foster care parents are? How I was beaten with a belt three times before I was removed from that bitch? Or how one foster sibling locked me in the basement for a day before anyone realized I was missing? Or maybe you want to know about the lads at one of the multiple schools I was sent to that fucking taunted me with photos of the accident? I could go on, what do you want to know? What will get you off? Dan trying to top himself must not have been enough for you, eh?” 

Kyle felt the tears in his eyes and he stood before she could say anything in response. 

Fuck her. 

And fuck Dan. 

This was why Kyle didn’t get attached to people. 

Fucking Dan and his damn smile. 

His giggle and blue eyes.

His wild hair and that stupid black hoody. 

The beautiful bastard that Kyle just realized had whispered 'goodbye' and not 'goodnight' before walking away from him the night before.

He did it on purpose. He knew what he was doing.

Kyle reached for the plush rabbit as soon as he entered his room. Burying his head in the soft fur, Kyle sat with his back against the door and dug his feet into the floor.

The rabbit held many of Kyle's tears over the years and it collected more as Kyle allowed himself to feel a bit of the pain. 

Soon, Kyle found that safe spot inside his head where he went when everything was too much. 

Lowering his head to his knees, Kyle pressed his face into the plush animal and allowed himself to drift. 


	6. Day Five and Part of Six

Johnny arrived much in the same way that Kyle arrived. Later in the evening and through a custody mandate. 

His introduction to the other residents was during the second group. 

Johnny proudly introduced himself as an androgynous transgender aromantic asexual and stated that he would educate anyone that had questions about what that meant. 

Kyle was fascinated by him. 

Other than maybe Will, Johnny was the most self-assured person that Kyle had ever met. 

Unlike Dan and his habit of hiding within the black hoody, Johnny’s clothes were bright and brilliant. ‘Bright and brilliant while still on a budget’ as Johnny declared sitting on his chair as if he were the King of England himself. 

Chris had no idea what to make of the new person with a loud voice that sat in Dan’s spot without regard for the seat he filled. Chris attempted to point it out to Johnny, but Johnny shot him down with a mere look and the statement that he was bound by no rule dictating where he was allowed or not allowed to rest his arse. 

Chris pressed his hands tighter together and rocked in his chair as he turned his body completely away from the new resident. 

“I like him.” Will stated to no one in particular. 

Frank appeared visually upset. However, that was his general state so it was difficult to determine his read on Johnny. Now, if Frank stood up and lunged at Johnny as he did Chris the other day, then maybe it would make his true feelings known. 

Kyle kept his eyes on the shiny black pants Johnny wore throughout the rest of the group. 

They were talking about something that Kyle couldn’t be bothered to listen to. Ever since Dan left him here, Kyle ceased to care about what was going on around him. 

He sat through two individual sessions in complete silence with Lew and he refused to speak with Kathy during last night’s shift. 

Kyle did not sneak out of his room to go to the music room and Kathy knocked on his door. She did nightly checks with all the residents throughout the night. Typically the resident was sleeping during the random checks. 

Kathy had been the one that found Dan and rang for emergency services. 

The rumour was that Sally witnessed Dan unconscious and bloody being removed from his room. Sally’s room was across from Dan’s. After seeing Dan like that, she demanded to be moved to another facility. 

Kyle believed it as Sally seemed very fragile. 

Kathy attempted to share her emotions with Kyle about what she witnessed but Kyle tuned her out. After a few minutes of awkward silence while Kathy stood at his door, Kathy turned to leave and Kyle took out his plush rabbit that he hid behind his back. 

Hugging the rabbit to his chest, Kyle stayed awake yet continued to drift throughout the night. 

“When will Dan come back?” Chris asked, his back still turned toward Johnny. “I would like him to come back. He was quiet. I liked that.” 

“Bitch, please.” Johnny laughed and Chris rocked a bit harder in his chair. “I’m not moving from this chair. I don’t care who was here first.” 

“Rule number eight.” Chris whispered to himself but did not add his bit about the points. 

“Johnny, please refrain from such language during group sessions. While you are free to express yourself, we require that all members of this group are treated with respect and dignity.” Lew pushed his glasses up and then addressed the rest of the group. “Dan will return tomorrow. We received word that he is doing well and wishes to return as soon as the physicians allow him. We are not clear on what time tomorrow, but we look forward to his return. Please continue to speak up about the incident and process it with staff. There is always someone here that is willing to listen to your concerns.” 

“Dan didn’t seem to think so.” Frank said under his breath but loud enough that Kyle heard it. 

Kyle stood to leave. He was halfway to the door when he heard Lew call out his name. Kyle turned and gave him a pointed look, but he did not respond. Kyle had not spoken since yesterday and he did not plan on speaking anytime soon. 

If it was good for Dan, it would be good for him as well. 

“Group has not ended. Please return to your seat.” Lew said with a neutral tone that made Kyle want to punch a wall with all the unease he had been dealing with. 

Kyle simply turned and left the room. He ignored Chris calling out the rule numbers he was breaking. It didn’t matter. 

Fourteen days was fourteen days. 

They would go by whether he participated in the programme or whether he did not participate in the programme. 

Kyle was running after this anyway so it wouldn’t matter for his court involvement. 

Maybe he would even leave tonight. 

The plan to escape out Lew’s office window was still an option. 

Leave right before Dan came back. 

Not that Dan cared about Kyle in any way given what Dan did. 

Kyle passed by his room and continued to the music room. 

He didn’t need Dan to go in there. No one else in the building seemed to care that the music room was there so Kyle would have it to himself. 

Kyle allowed the door to shut behind him and he took in the room. 

Dan was not here to greet him. 

Dan was not coming in later. 

Sitting on the bench that fit them both well but made Kyle feel small sitting on it alone, Kyle raised his hands and started to play. 

Fuck Dan. 

Fuck everything. 

“You are good.” Kyle heard from behind him and he almost believed it was Dan’s voice at first. But then he knew better because Dan was not here. Dan did not care about him. 

No one did. 

“Seriously.” Johnny’s voice filled the room and Kyle wanted to tell him to leave. 

That he was not allowed in the room that Dan first talked to him in. That he was not allowed in the room that Dan smiled at him in and laughed with him. That Kyle had kissed Dan on the cheek in. 

“Okay, you are the quiet one.” Johnny let out a short laugh and actually seemed nervous. “Do you mind if I stay? I am not quite sure about this place. First time here. Anywhere like this, I mean. What are you in for?” 

Kyle had yet to turn around and acknowledge Johnny’s existence and he ignored him by continuing to play the song he was playing before he was interrupted. 

Kyle only knew the song because Dan taught it to him. And no one else knew that Dan wrote it. So he could play it and not be a hypocrite. 

Kyle wasn’t sure if Johnny had left or not until he sat on the bench next to Kyle. Kyle immediately stopped playing and stared at him. 

To mimic Chris, that was Dan’s spot and he was not allowed to sit there. 

“You talk?” Johnny smiled and appeared to be attempting to make friends with Kyle. “I met someone before that didn’t speak. They wrote down their words. Is that what you do?” 

Kyle felt himself being pulled back into the memory of asking the same question to Dan and he felt his whole being sink. 

He missed him. 

He barely knew him and he missed him. 

Before he could stop himself, Kyle felt the tears taking over his eyes and the room become blurry. His breathing was becoming quicker and he felt it all swirling around him. 

“Fuck, sorry.” Johnny sounded sincere and reached out his arms in an open offer. “Care for a hug?” 

Kyle didn’t know what made him do it, but he latched on tight to Johnny and wrapped both of his arms behind his back. Burying his head in his shoulder and feeling Johnny’s arms holding him just as tight, Kyle felt the tears completely take him over. 

Kyle was not sure how long they stayed like that, but he felt completely exhausted when he pulled back and pressed the palms of his hands into his face. 

“I love a good cry.” Johnny spoke and Kyle found he could hear him much better than before; his brain processing the words clearer now. “Gets out all those toxins and impurities.” 

Kyle lowered his hands and found Johnny had Dan’s eyes. 

Before he knew what he was doing, he had his lips pressed against Johnny’s and he felt Johnny pushing him away. 

“No, thank you.” Johnny smiled at him and stood from the bench. “I’m not looking for that right now.” 

Kyle felt his face react and he wanted to literally fall into a hole to get away from the embarrassment. 

It wasn’t Johnny that Kyle wanted to kiss but he was the one that was there offering him comfort. 

“You alright?” Johnny had his hands on his hips, completely unbothered by Kyle’s actions. “I don’t want to snog you, but I’m still worried about you.” 

Kyle hugged his stomach and gave a slight nod of his head. 

“I’m not convinced but who the fuck am I to decide how you should feel?” Johnny turned and left Kyle in the room. “I hope your evening gets better.” 

Kyle let out a snotty laugh and felt the rest of the energy drain from his body. Curling himself into the smallest ball, Kyle laid his body on the bench and willed everything to stop enough to sleep. 

Kathy woke him up much later that night and did not press him to speak. She said she was concerned that Kyle would fall off the bench and please return to his room to use the bed. 

Kyle followed her without word to his room and hugged the rabbit tight as he allowed his body to sleep. 

Dan was not there at breakfast and Kyle was not sure how he felt about it. 

At first, he hoped that he could see him first thing in the morning. Assure himself that Dan was still alive and sat in front of him. 

After he saw he was not there, Kyle felt a bit of relief. He had no idea what he wanted to say to him. 

Johnny smiled at him as he sat down at Kyle’s table. “Apparently, this Dan fellow is coming after first group. Chris will not shut up about it.” 

Kyle nodded his head and took a drink of his juice. He had grabbed food, but he was not sure if he wanted to eat it yet. 

“Frank always like that? Or did I do something to upset him?” Johnny asked as his eyes followed Frank walking past them and sat in a corner by himself. “He is fit but man, what an attitude on that one.” 

Kyle felt himself laugh and it felt good. 

Dan arrived half way through the first group of the day. 

Late as always but also early at the same time. 

The first thing Kyle noticed about him was that he was not wearing his black hoody. Instead, he was wearing a dark purple one in its place. 

Kyle found it unsettling. Dan did not look like himself. 

And his hair was out in full form. 

Johnny was sat in Dan’s chair, so Dan sat next to Lew. It was the spot that Kyle had first sat in and it made Dan directly in line with Kyle. 

Dan gave an awkward wave to the group and Kyle wondered who had returned in Dan’s body. 

Purple hoody. Hair out. And now waving? 

As Dan spoke, Kyle wanted to stand and shout that this Dan was a fake. 

“What did I miss?” Dan said to the group with his eyes on his shoes. They were bright and new as well. “Anything new?” 

This wasn’t Dan. 

The transport people gave them the wrong person. 

“Me.” Johnny declared to the silent group. “Apparently I am sat in your spot. Sorry, but not sorry.” 

Kyle was fairly sure that most people in the room had never heard Dan speak before and were likely feeling similar things to what Kyle was experiencing. Looking around, Kyle found confirmation that the other residents were just as shocked as Kyle was. 

Dan made his introduction to Johnny and Kyle stood as Johnny acknowledged him back. 

“Kyle?” Lew attempted to get his attention but Kyle was already near the door. 

Chris must have been too shook up to say anything because Kyle did not hear what rules he was breaking. 

Not that it mattered because Kyle was leaving for good.


	7. Rest of Day Six

Kyle spent the majority of his day in his room. Because it was mandatory and he did not want someone knocking on his door, he went to his individual session. 

Lew attempted to ask him all sorts of questions but with Kyle not answering them, he took out a deck of cards and they played in silence. 

Kyle was grateful because Lew seemed like he was trying, but Kyle knew it was all bullshit. And he was leaving that night anyway. 

Kyle went to second group and listened to Johnny go on about his journey to self-discovery. He appeared to have made friends with Chris because Chris was looking in his direction and not rocking in his chair. 

Maybe Johnny played football with him? 

Good, Chris needed someone to play with him when Kyle left. 

Frank appeared as interested in being there as Kyle. Over Kyle’s time knowing him, Kyle was beginning to respect the hell out of Frank and his attitude with the world. 

Will interjected throughout Johnny’s story with questions and Kyle found them insightful. Not that Kyle would ever ask them, or talk to these people ever again, but it was nice to hear that Will was taking an interest in someone. 

Maybe Johnny could be the one that warmed Will’s cold heart?

And Dan. 

He had on his purple hoody but had covered his hair with the hood. His eyes moved around the room but kept falling on Kyle. 

Kyle did not give him eye contact back. 

If Dan didn’t care about him enough to not leave him behind, then Kyle could do the same. 

Fuck him. 

The time dragged and Kyle let out a sigh of relief when it was announced the group was concluded for the night. 

Will was still asking Johnny questions but Kyle was done being with them. 

Kyle’s bag was packed. He took his used clothes out of the laundry and put them on the bottom. He would find a way to wash them on his own. 

His sister’s rabbit was on the top, with one ear peeking out the top. 

Kyle sat on the made bed and tried not to stare at the clock. 

He had approximately three hours before it would be safe to leave. 

Dan would go to the music room and Kathy would likely spy on the residents. 

And Kyle would go to Lew’s office for his escape. 

If only the time would go quicker. 

Kyle knew if he could make it back to the city, he would be able to blend into the mass of people. His foster family might search for him for a few days, to keep up appearances with the agency, but they did not care about him. Since he had been at the treatment facility, he had not spoken to them. 

Maybe they were decent people and it was Kyle that was the ass? Kyle never wanted to bond with them. They were a means to an end. Either way, it didn’t matter now. 

Kyle heard the knock on his door and let out a loud sigh as he made his way to give a blank look to Kathy. 

She was probably nice enough. She allowed Dan out of his room to play music even though it was technically breaking the rules. And in turn, she allowed Kyle to break the rules with Dan. But, it didn’t matter, he was not talking with her. 

Opening the door, Kyle saw a flash of purple and went to shut the door. Dan’s foot prevented Kyle from allowing it to close and Dan was pushing against the door. 

Shocked, Kyle stumbled backward and then he had Dan in his room. 

“I don’t know what rule number you are breaking, but you can leave.” Kyle found his footing and pointed toward the door. The door that was now closed. 

“I’m not Chris, but I believe it is rule number two. You know, right after not attempting to kill yourself.” Dan spoke as he rested his back against the door. “Maybe I want to break all the rules this week?” 

“Aren’t you clever.” Kyle crossed one of his arms and held onto the opposite arm. His eyes went to Dan’s bright new shoes and he worked his way upward. Dan was casual leaning against the door and it made Kyle want to hurt him. Reaching his face, he found that stupid shy smile and Kyle’s heart ached. “That was a shitty move. Flirt with me and then try to top yourself.” 

“I was flirting with you?” Dan asked as his eyes went to the floor. The hood was not as big as the black one so it didn’t cover his face. “Were you flirting back?” 

“Hello!” Kyle shouted in a loud whisper to not announce to the world that Dan was in his room. “I kissed you. You walked me to my door. We held hands. Fucking feet! You did not know that was flirting? You some kind of idiot or something?” 

“Oh.” Dan nodded his head and began to pick at the wrist of his hoody. 

Kyle had a morbid thought of what was underneath the sleeve of his new purple clothing. 

“Oh?” Kyle questioned and took a step closer. There was still plenty of distance between them so Kyle took another step in. “So what is it? Do you fancy me? Or am I the idiot?” 

“I dunno.” Dan raised his head and found Kyle closer. His face went a bit pale and Kyle saw the boy he first met looking back at him. Not whatever false version had returned from hospital. “I have never had that before.” 

“I really haven’t either.” Kyle took another step closer because he felt like he knew this Dan. Shy and insecure but so adorable and sweet. Not some flip person that made small talk and waved at people in group. “I kissed Johnny.” 

“You what?” Dan found Kyle’s eyes and held them. His hand stopped picking at the wrist of his sleeve and his arms fell to his sides. Kyle wondered if maybe Dan couldn’t hug himself due to the injuries. The Dan he knew would have had his arms tightly wrapped around himself by now. “Kissed him?” 

“It is a long story but yes.” Kyle raised his hands to his face much as he did after kissing Johnny. “I dunno. I thought that was what I wanted. But I didn’t. I wanted to kiss you. Properly kiss you. Instead, I went and threw away my first kiss on some random person.” 

Dan swallowed and Kyle lowered his hands to see that Dan’s eyes were on the floor. “Your first kiss? You haven’t kissed anyone?” 

“Your cheek and Johnny’s lips.” Kyle let out a nervous laugh. Maybe Dan couldn’t hug himself but Kyle needed the comfort so his arms went around his stomach. “He pushed me away and said ‘no, thank you.’ Can you imagine my mortification? No, thank you.” 

“Did you like it?” Dan’s voice was low and Kyle could almost see the rapid thoughts going through Dan’s head. A small part of Kyle liked it because it showed that maybe Dan did care about him. 

“Did you like trying to kill yourself?” Kyle heard himself say the words but he still couldn’t believe he said them. “Fuck, ignore that. I’m sorry.” 

Dan shook his head. “No. I very much did not enjoy that.” 

Kyle wanted to say something but how do you redeem yourself after asking that question? Kyle felt his stomach drop and he wanted another hole to open up so he could jump inside. 

“I was driving.” Dan’s voice shook and he looked up, likely making sure that Kyle was paying attention to him. “The accident that killed them. I was driving. It wasn’t my fault. Someone ran a light and hit us. They were on the side that had the most impact. It has always been difficult to convince myself that I shouldn’t feel this guilt. Everyone tells me that if my parents had a choice, some say in the matter, that this is what they would have chosen. They would have wanted me to live. But, why do I have to live with this?” 

Kyle felt Dan’s words. They were his life as well. Every day that Kyle was alive was a question as to why he was spared. He had been the only one thrown from the vehicle. The rest of his family trapped in the vehicle as it burned. 

Kyle had been told the same things as well. That if his parents had the choice, or even his siblings, they would have chosen for Kyle to live if there was any choice in the matter. 

“I ask myself that every day.” Kyle took two more steps closer as he spoke. Dan’s eyes followed him as he moved in closer. “If you ever find the answer to that question, please share it with me.” 

“Only if you promise the same.” Dan gave a slight nod and then looked down to his hands. 

Kyle was trying to find something else to say when Dan looked over to his bag. 

“You are leaving?” Dan kept his eyes on the bag. “Tonight?” 

“Maybe.” Kyle didn’t know why he answered that way. The plan was to leave and never look back. But, now, maybe he didn’t want to leave Dan behind. 

“Maybe?” Dan’s eyes switched to Kyle’s face and he pushed himself off the door. Taking two steps closer, he was close enough that they could reach out and touch one another if wanted. “If I tell you to stay, will you stay?” 

“If I tell you not to kill yourself, will you stay?” Kyle counted. 

That seemed to throw Dan off because his eyes went back to their feet. After a very long pause, Dan looked back up and answered, “Yes.” 

“Okay. So that is sorted. You stay alive and I stay here for the rest of my eight days.” Kyle gave him a small smile. “Everyone wins.” 

“Good news. My time starts over again. Apparently, going to hospital with self-inflicted wounds is not demonstrating safe behaviours warranting discharge.” Dan raised one of his hands and held it out with his palm up. “Here is to another fourteen days.” 

Kyle took his hand, whether it was offered to him or not, and raised it to his mouth. Kissing the middle of his palm, Kyle took Dan’s hand in his own and moved in closer. “Maybe I should get in trouble? You know, break the rules? Add some more time to my clock.” 

“Or, you do your eight days and I finish up the rest of my six after you leave and I find you.” Dan gave him a genuine smile and Kyle wished Dan could always look like that. Happy. “We both live in London. The city is not that big.” 

“Oh, not that big?” Kyle returned the smile and felt the stress of the past few days leave him. Dan’s hand in his own was helping with that, as was Dan’s smile. But the best bit was that Dan was stood right in front of him. “Think we would get on, outside of here? Without the intensity of being here?” 

Dan nodded his head and Kyle felt Dan’s eyes move to his lips. Whoa, their flirting had never been this direct before. Kyle liked it.

Wanting to play back, Kyle wettened the middle of his bottom lip and then gave it a slight bite. 

Dan moved in closer and bit at his own lip. Dan’s eyes briefly went to Kyle’s and then time stopped. 

Dan’s lips were soft against his own. His bottom lip was full and pressed against his own, but his top lip was slightly above his own. 

When he kissed Johnny, Kyle had only felt the press of their lips against each other. 

Kissing Dan, he felt it move through his whole body. Down to his toes and right back to his heart. 

Dan moved back and took Kyle’s upper lip for a fraction of a second with him. 

Kyle’s eyes opened and he found Dan looking back at him. Those blue eyes that he had missed more than he cared to acknowledge. 

Kyle could feel his heart pounding in his chest and he wanted to kiss him again. Or touch him. Kiss him and touch him. 

“I should leave your room before Kathy finds us.” Dan’s eyes went around the room a bit frantically, like he finally realized how much they were breaking the rules. “She might take away the music room from us.” 

“Could we go there?” Kyle asked, reaching out his hand to touch some part of him. His hand found Dan’s forearm and Dan winced at the touch. “Fuck, I’m sorry.” 

“I have stitches.” Dan’s eyes went to his arms and he held them palm up. Dan’s arms were covered by the sleeves of the hoody yet he appeared to be showing Kyle something. “I did both sides. Both have stitches. Kathy found me right before it was too late.” 

Kyle wanted to see them and he wanted to put his hands on them. Magically make them go away. And take Dan’s pain with it. 

Kyle couldn't find any words to say so Dan continued as they both stared at Dan’s covered arms. “I don’t believe I can play right now. You can play for me.” 

“Anything you want.” Kyle knew that sounded sappy but he was still recovering from the kiss and he told himself he was allowed to sound lovesick. 

Dan lowered his arms and turned to look at the door. When he turned back, he whispered, “Meet me there in five minutes.” 

Kyle nodded his head and leaned in, kissing Dan’s cheek. “I will be there.” 

Dan held his eyes and then left, the door softly shutting behind him. 

Kyle halved himself and then hugged his knees as he sat down on the floor. He needed a few minutes to process everything and ground himself. 

Counting to three and taking a few deeper breaths, Kyle rose up and moved his bag away from the door. 

Unpacking the rabbit, he hid her underneath his covers and left to find Dan.


	8. Day Seven 00:01

“Kyle.” 

Kyle stopped where he stood and kept his back to the person calling his name. Kyle cursed in his head and told himself to relax. Slowly turning himself around on his foot, he saw Kathy watching him from the other side of the hall. 

She didn’t seem happy, but she didn’t seem upset. Kyle decided to wait it out. 

“As I have said before, I am thrilled that you and Dan are making friends.” Kathy walked closer to him and paused near an empty room. The facility was not at capacity and there were many resident rooms waiting to be filled. “However, you two do not have a free pass to break the rules. I can overlook you two meeting each other in the music room, but I will never see either of you in the other’s room. Am I clear?” 

Kyle gave a slow nod and wondered if now was the time to start speaking again. With the look Kathy was giving him, Kyle figured it was in his best interest to give a verbal response as well. “Clearly noted. We will only break the rules to go to the music room.” 

“And to be crystal clear, I have increased my watch tours with Dan. The worst part of my job is witnessing moments like that. My eyes are on both of you.” Kathy’s tone reflected the seriousness of the conversation. “I will reflect both of your points for Dan being ‘near’ your room. I will not write that I witnessed Dan leaving your room. Because, that can never happen.” 

Kyle heard the implication and he knew they had been caught. Kathy seemed quite intelligent and she likely understood that Dan and Kyle were not merely mates. 

“I understand.” Kyle felt he needed to show some good faith with Kathy so he added. “I think...I know that I need to be careful with him. I care a great deal about him.” 

“I can imagine.” Kathy gave him a nod and then turned to go back in the direction she came. “Be in your rooms, individually, by midnight.”

“Sounds fair.” Kyle gave a nod as well but she had already turned her back to him. However, for all that Kyle knew, she had eyes back there as well. 

Kyle made the rest of the way to the music room and felt his heart sink when he opened the door. 

There, next to Dan, was Johnny. 

Johnny was laughing and he had a hand on Dan’s shoulder. 

Kyle felt the rage run through him and he cleared his throat as the door shut behind him. 

“Kyle, welcome to the party.” Johnny turned on the bench to smile at Kyle. His hand stayed on Dan’s shoulder and Kyle saw red. Kyle felt his hands squeezing into fists. 

It was not some party and, even if it were, Johnny would be the one late to it. Dan and Kyle had already claimed this room. 

Kyle had claimed Dan as his own. 

Kyle felt his mouth go dry and his brain was not allowing him to form words. 

The smile on Johnny’s face quickly fell away and he looked between Kyle and Dan. Dan had yet to turn toward Kyle and sat stiff on the bench. 

Dan’s hood was up and Kyle took petty satisfaction in the fact that Johnny was not allowed to see Dan’s hair. 

Or hear him play. That felt a bit mean given the reason Dan couldn’t play, but if they were keeping score it was Kyle in the lead. 

“Oh.” Johnny rose from his spot and Kyle was glad to see that his fucking hand moved away from Dan’s shoulder. Johnny rested the offending hand on his hip and smiled. “I am so sorry. I didn’t know you two were a thing. I mean, after you…” 

Kyle knew he was referring to the stupid kiss he gave him the night before and he felt better knowing that he had already shared that mistake with Dan. 

And that Dan was in his room and they had another moment together. 

And that Dan and he had kissed. Proper on the mouth and all the feels kissed. 

“Kissed you?” Kyle crossed his arms. He hated feeling like this was some sort of competition and he really wanted Johnny to just leave. Dan and him had a limit on their time together and Johnny was not wanted. “Dan knows. I told him. I shouldn’t have. Kissed you. Not that I shouldn’t have told Dan. I mean, not that you are not a wonderful person, but I don’t fancy you like that. Because, well…” 

“Oh, no worries.” Johnny let out a short laugh and then brushed his hand along Dan’s upper arm. Dan had finally turned to look at Kyle and Kyle felt his unease. “I will leave you to it. Dan, chuffed you have returned.” 

Kyle felt his hands ball up again as Dan told Johnny goodnight, but he was happy his arms were crossed so Johnny couldn’t see them. 

“Goodnight, Kyle.” Johnny copied the same upper arm move with Kyle and smiled at him. “Enjoy.” 

Kyle kept his eyes on Dan’s until the door shut behind Johnny and then he moved to sit on the bench. That was better. 

“He was in here.” Dan seemed to be trying to explain the situation, as if Kyle were upset with him. “I almost left, but he started asking me questions. How was hospital? Was I happy to be back? Do I play? He wasn’t flirting, but curious? Maybe. I don’t know how to read those situations. I mean, I didn’t realize you were into me and…” 

“It’s okay.” Kyle moved his hand to Dan’s thigh and kept it there. “I don’t...you can talk to whomever you please. I didn’t expect him here. And not sat next to you. That is my spot.” 

“You sound like Chris.” Dan gave him a smile and Dan’s whole face lit up. It was a real smile, like the one he gave him in Kyle’s room. “He seems nice. Johnny. I cannot believe you kissed him. I mean, I can. He is fit, but I dunno. Seems weird. You kissing him. And me.” 

“Kissing you was amazing.” Kyle said moving in closer. Kyle’s hand moved down Dan’s thigh and rested near his knee. “I was upset when I kissed him. Scared that you had done that. I thought maybe you, you didn’t like me the same. The same as I did with you.” 

“Did?” Dan tilted his head and his grin spread more, making his eyes seem narrow. “You don’t like me anymore?” 

Kyle returned the grin and narrowed the small gap between them. He miscalculated at first and kissed slightly above Dan’s upper lip. He quickly corrected himself and opened his mouth slightly so their lips were holding each other. 

Breathing in, Kyle moved back and continued the massive smile on his face. Thankfully, Dan appeared just as smitten with him and Kyle didn’t feel like an idiot for reacting the way he did. “That answer your question?” 

Dan nodded his head. “But, I am still not clear on the answer. Can you give it to me again? You see, there were these soft lips on mine and I couldn’t hear anything after that.” 

“I like you.” Kyle leaned his forehead against Dan’s and felt like he might float out of the room if they continued with this. However, Kyle never wanted it to end at the same time. “Do you?” 

“Do I what?” Dan gave him an innocent look and Kyle couldn’t wait anymore to feel his lips again. 

Their noses brushed against each other briefly but then Kyle tilted his head and held his breath as he felt Dan’s tongue brush along his bottom lip. 

Opening his mouth, he followed Dan’s tongue back to his mouth and he felt his body tingle in response. 

Kyle wondered why he wasted so much of his life not kissing Dan. 

If they weren’t all that experienced at kissing it didn’t matter because this felt fantastic. 

Dan’s tongue moved against Kyle’s and he squeezed Dan’s knee in response. Letting out a sound he didn’t know he was capable of, Kyle felt himself wanting more yet not knowing what he wanted all at the same time. 

Dan appeared to be attempting to breathe as he pulled away so Kyle allowed the brief moment of clarity to open his eyes and check in with Dan. 

Was he feeling the same thing? 

Was he panicking? 

Did he want more?

Was Kyle hurting him at all? 

Kyle’s eyes moved to Dan’s arms and he was fully aware that Dan had stitches under the happy purple colour. 

Dan had only recently been released from hospital. 

He had attempted to end his life in a room a few metres from the one they were in. 

Kyle had just promised Kathy that he would be careful with him. 

Maybe Kyle needed to check in with himself?

“What?” Dan’s tone reflected Kyle’s likely worried look. His eyes were scanning Kyle’s face and Kyle saw him start to pull at the end of his sleeve. “Did I do something wrong?” 

Kyle shook his head and took a deeper breath. “I don’t know what I am doing. I don’t want to hurt you. I love kissing you. I never. I don’t know. And your arms.” 

“I have never either.” Dan kept pulling at his sleeve and then Kyle forgot how to breathe because Dan was taking off the hoody. He took care in pulling off both sleeves and then using his arms to push off the material from the inside. His hair stood in multiple directions and Kyle wondered if maybe Dan used the hood to tame his hair rather than hide away in. Or maybe both. He had a top on underneath but Kyle could now see his arms. “You can look.” 

Dan set the hoody on top of the piano and turned his arms up. He had bandages covering the length of his forearms. Near the top, where the bandages ended, Kyle saw faint scars that appeared to be cut marks. 

They were on both sides and ran horizontally up to the inside of Dan’s elbows. 

“I have done it before.” Dan’s eyes were on his arms as well and his tone was dry, without any inflection. “I cut myself but that is not to kill myself. I, this sounds horrible, I used to have nice even marks up my arms. The first time I tried to kill myself, I only did one arm because I didn’t want to mess up the scars. It sounds so stupid, because I would be dead, but I liked the way they looked before. Kathy says that is because it gave me a sense of control.” 

Kyle kept his eyes on Dan’s arms and told himself to breathe through the unease he felt listening to Dan speak. It was eerie that Dan did not seem to be speaking in a voice that Kyle recognized. Flat and without emotion. 

It also confirmed that Dan had a stronger bond to Kathy than he did to Lew. Which also told Kyle that Dan likely had more interactions with Kathy because she worked at night. Dan struggled to sleep. 

Thus the reason why Dan was allowed in the music room at night. 

And Kathy had taken an interest in Kyle’s relationship with Dan. 

“This time, I messed up both arms.” Dan’s eyes finally moved up and he must have seen the look on Kyle’s face because he quickly turned his arms over and moved them closer to his stomach. Again, due to the injury, he couldn't press them against himself. Dan’s tone turned to one of discomfort and worry. “I’m sorry. I shouldn't have said all that. Shown those to you. It is not something to be shared.” 

“I am honoured you showed me.” Kyle tried to find the right words. He wanted to touch him, but he knew he needed to take that cue from Dan first. “I understand wanting to end everything. But, I have never been in a place that I felt like I would go through with it. It must be so frightening. So lonely. I don’t want you to feel alone. I want you to know you can share those thoughts with me. You can show me your scars. I have my own from the accident.” 

“I have those as well.” Dan finally looked up and Kyle felt his heart respond. This was going well. Dan looked like he trusted him and Kyle really did feel honoured. 

“You want to feel one?” Kyle asked before he thought through how awkward that sounded. “You don’t have to, but I thought maybe, you know…” 

“Okay.” Dan answered quickly and Dan seemed to be more at ease with the offer. Kyle figured it would even out the amount of vulnerability Dan was displaying with him. “Only if you want though. Not because you think you have to or something.” 

“I want to.” Kyle opened his hand and waited for Dan to raise his own. “Can I have your hand, please?” 

Dan looked to his arm as he raised it and then back to Kyle’s face. “Don’t, like, pull on it or anything. They are still quite tender. The pain medication wore off ages ago.” 

“I will be gentle.” Kyle answered and stayed true to his word as he took Dan’s hand in his own and raised it to the back of his head. That scar was the easiest to show without removing clothes. 

Kyle guided Dan’s hand to his head and then pressed against Dan’s fingers until they hit the raised skin there. Kyle’s hair was long enough that it covered it, but for about a year the scar was very visible. 

They had shaved part of his head and the hair around it took forever to grow back. And then longer yet to be able to cover it. 

“Feel it?” Kyle asked even though he knew Dan could. Dan’s fingers were rubbing the area and Kyle closed his eyes. Kyle knew the only reason that felt so good because it was Dan’s fingers on him. 

“Yes.” Dan’s fingers moved wider and then it turned into Dan’s fingers moving through his hair. 

Kyle was about ready to open his eyes and leaned forward again when he heard a voice at the door. 

“Gentlemen, it is late.” Kathy’s voice did not sound surprised to find them sat as they were. “Morning will come early if you do not rest now.” 

Dan’s hand moved away from Kyle’s hair and Kyle opened his eyes as he let out a soft sigh. 

Kyle stood while Dan reached for his hoody. 

Kyle had hoped that Dan would walk him to his door. Or that Kyle would walk him to his door. 

Maybe even give each other a goodnight’s kiss. 

However, with Kathy’s watchful eyes on them as they made their way down the hallway, there was no option other than walking to their separate rooms. 

Once Kyle was in his bed and the rabbit was hugged tight to his chest, Kyle went back to Dan’s lips on his own and Dan’s fingers in his hair. 

His brain tried to go to the sight of Dan’s bandaged arms and the obvious truth that he almost lost Dan for good, but Kyle shot it down. 

There was no time now to dwell on that. 

Kyle fell asleep with the feeling of Dan’s lips on his own and the pleasant tingle it brought to his body.


	9. Day Seven

Kyle barely had enough time to cover himself when he heard the door opening behind him. Holding his pants to cover up his most delicate bits, Kyle turned around to see Dan stood frozen by the door to his room. 

Thankfully, Dan had rushed in quickly, likely not wanting to be seen by anyone, and the door naturally shut behind him. 

Dan and Kyle had sat together during breakfast. It was strange because Dan was talking during the day now. Kyle thought at first, since he was talking, that they didn’t need to do the secret foot touching thing, but Dan took hold of Kyle’s foot as he started on a story about Frank. 

Apparently Frank had a massive crush on Will and Chris discovered a mark on Will’s neck when they were getting their breakfast. Chris, being Chris, started asking Will a million questions about the mark and it was discovered that Frank gave it to him. 

“Shut up!” Kyle swallowed the food in his mouth and looked around the room. They were the only one there, which was also odd because everyone had the same breakfast time. “I mean, tell me more, but O-M-G!” 

“I know!” Dan grinned and moved his foot impossibly closer to Kyle’s foot. Dan’s eyes stayed on Kyle’s and Kyle grinned back. “Lew is going to have a talk with us at group. About boundaries and rules. I’m sure Chris is going to recite the rule book to us.” 

“Does this mean...I mean, do we...like, need to be careful?” The thought hit Kyle and he felt panic rise in his throat. Dan and him had only just started this, whatever it was, and he was not willing to end it because of some stupid rules. He was not waiting to leave this place to kiss Dan again. End of. Full stop. “I cannot go days without…” 

“Without what?” Dan’s voice went down an octave and Kyle moved his other foot in closer, holding Dan’s in place. 

Kyle lowered his voice and leaned in closer across the table. “Kissing you.” 

Dan’s whole face went red and he broke his eye contact as he looked down to his food. It took him a minute, but Dan said to his food. “Same.” 

The rest of their breakfast was ate in silence, something that felt more familiar for Kyle. 

Soon Johnny and Chris entered the room. Both broke the norms and sat at Dan and Kyle’s table. 

“Kyle.” Chris set down his tray and brushed back his hair. “I leave tomorrow morning. I would like to play football with you today. You are terrible, but I like playing with you. Will you play with me today? After first group?” 

Kyle grinned at Chris’ question and nodded his head. “Yes, Chris. Thank you for asking me. We can play after group and you can teach me how to kick the ball without tripping over my feet.” 

That made Chris laugh and he said he would. He turned his attention to Johnny after that. “Johnny, do you play football?” 

“Hunny, I’m more of a spectator of sports rather than a participant.” Johnny smiled at Chris as well. “Mind if I watch from a distance?” 

“I don’t mind.” Chris nodded his head and then turned toward Dan. “Dan, since you talk now, do you want to play football with me?” 

“I am likely the worst footballer in the world.” Dan set down his cereal spoon and looked between everyone at the table. “If you promise not to laugh too much at me, yes, I would like to play with you and Kyle.” 

“It is okay. Kyle is terrible. You cannot be much worse.” Chris laughed at his joke and then started eating his food. 

Johnny took the time to fill the group in on the random ins and outs of his life for the rest of breakfast. 

First group was spent just as Dan had predicted. Lew went through boundaries and the reasons for strict relationship guidelines at treatment facilities. Chris went through each rule that Will and Frank broke. 

Will, to his credit, remained quiet about the subject. Frank raised issue with the fact that he was not a prisoner there and he did not feel like Lew or anyone else at the facility could dictate what he was allowed to with his body. 

Lew praised Frank’s ability to be a self-advocate but also identified that the goal of the treatment facility was to focus on themselves and work on their own issues. Relationships cloud that and make the focus about the other person. 

Kyle wanted to say many things on the matter, but he also did not want to out Dan and himself. Kyle did not want to risk more eyes on them then there already were. It was enough that Kathy seemed to be monitoring Dan’s every move during the night. 

Dan picked at the sleeves of his hoody throughout group and did not offer much. 

As expected, Kyle was terrible at football. Dan was worse though and it took some of the attention off him. 

Dan had to stop after the first few minutes because he was in pain and he went to join Johnny on the sidelines as Kyle and Chris played one-on-one. 

Chris, in his dry humour, said that they already were playing one-on-one because Kyle and Dan together barely equaled one average footballer. 

Kyle was sweaty afterward and went to his room to change before their second meal. After lunch, Dan and Kyle were going to use the music room. Dan had wanted to play the song he taught Kyle. 

Apparently, Dan grew tired of waiting for Kyle to change and rushed into his room. 

If Dan was red this morning during his confession that he couldn’t wait days to kiss Kyle again, then his face now was a whole separate colour that Kyle had not witnessed before. 

“I am sorry.” Dan appeared to find his words after blanking out. His eyes left Kyle’s body and he quickly turned around to face the door. “I should have knocked but I didn’t want anyone to know I was here. And I didn’t think...I didn’t think that you would be...like that.” 

“It is okay.” Kyle felt his heart beating faster, likely both from the surprise of having someone rush through his door and the fact that Dan’s eyes had stayed on him for what felt like forever. “Let me dress and we can go to eat.” 

Kyle recovered from the shock and put on his pants and jeans. He reached for his top, but then decided to keep it off for a few more minutes. 

Walking toward the door with his top in his hand, Kyle found that Dan had taken to resting his head against the wood. His hood had been down when he entered, but now it was covering his hair. 

“You can turn ‘round now.” Kyle bit at the side of his bottom lip and took in a longer breath as Dan thought over the words he said. 

Dan’s face was still red when he turned to face him and Kyle instantly saw the realization that Dan noticed he was without his top. 

Dan’s eyes moved down to his chest and then his stomach. The majority of Kyle’s scars were on his back, but there was one near the waist of his jeans. Dan’s eyes stayed there and then rose back to his chest area. 

“Is this okay?” Kyle swallowed and felt his heart increasing again. He liked Dan’s eyes on him. Kyle didn’t get a response so he took a few more steps closer. That way, Dan would be able to see more. “I can put on my top. If you would like?”

Dan reached out his hand and slowly moved the tip of his finger down Kyle’s stomach. He didn’t put much pressure on his skin and Kyle wondered if it was because his arm hurt or he thought he needed to be that gentle with Kyle. 

Dan’s finger went to the scar and he raised his eyes to ask Kyle. 

“That one was nothing. Surgeons needed to remove something that wasn’t working anymore.” Kyle took another step in closer because he was too far away. “You saw the ones on my back. That was the worst of it. The discs in my back were messed up. They fixed them, but when it rains, it hurts.” 

“Kyle.” Dan said his name breathlessly and Kyle realized he had never heard Dan say his name before.

He was quite keen on it. 

But, he would go back to that later. 

“Yes.” Kyle felt Dan’s finger leave his skin and he wanted it back. Dan’s eyes were on his lips and he knew what Dan wanted. He wanted to hear him say it though. “You okay?” 

“Can you come closer?” Dan’s voice went down that octave like it had either and Kyle was willing to give him anything Dan wanted. 

Stepping in so that Dan’s back was against the door and Kyle could feel the soft fabric of Dan’s hoody against his chest, Kyle took little pause before pressing his lips against Dan’s. 

Dan let out the most wonderful sound and Kyle opened his mouth as he adjusted his lips. Feeling Dan’s tongue move against his own, Kyle let out his own sound and pressed Dan back against the door more. Kyle’s top fell from his hand and to the floor. 

If anyone were to come looking for them, at least the door moving would give them enough time to step away from one another. 

Kyle briefly felt Dan’s hand at his waist and then it was gone. Kyle couldn’t think at the moment so he used his own hands to take hold of the sides of Dan’s hoody. Dan’s opened his mouth more and Kyle licked inside it, feeling his knees get weaker. 

Everything felt good. 

There was no way he was going to deprive himself of this due to some stupid rules. 

Dan bit at Kyle’s lower lip and Kyle let out a moan of encouragement. 

Dan’s lips moved to his cheek and he rested his forehead against Kyle’s as he breathed. 

Using the time to take a few breaths, Kyle kissed his way to Dan’s ear and then down to his neck. Wonderful Dan tilted his head to the side to give Kyle better access.

Kyle pushed away the side of the hood so he could touch Dan’s skin, using one hand to hold the fabric back. 

Kyle never understood why people would kiss necks and leave marks, like Frank did on Will, but now he knew. 

It allowed the person to breathe better and it felt fucking wicked. 

Dan’s skin was warm and he tasted amazing. 

Kyle sucked on the spot he kissed and he heard Dan moan out his name and press back against the door. 

That only encouraged Kyle more and he increased the suction on Dan’s sweet skin. His other hand moved to Dan’s back and he held Dan tight to him. Dan had moved too far away by pressing himself against the door and Kyle wanted him back closer to him. 

He was going to leave a mark, but Dan could hide it by keeping his hood up. At least Kyle’s hormone soaked brain told him that was logical. 

“Stop.” Kyle heard the words but they didn’t make any sense. When his brain finally put the word to an action, Kyle gave the spot he had been working on a quick kiss and reluctantly moved his head back so he could see Dan’s face. 

Dan looked wrecked and Kyle realized they both were breathing hard. 

“You okay?” Kyle found the ability to speak and he moved his hand away from holding Dan’s hood out of the way. His hand hurt from gripping on to the material so tight. He knew he should move back and allow them space to breathe, but that wasn’t happening unless Dan asked him to move. 

Dan nodded his head and smiled, making something inside Kyle relax. For a split second, Kyle thought Dan was going to tell him that he didn’t want this. That Kyle needed to stop because Dan did not want Kyle so close to him. 

“We need to go before someone comes looking for us.” Dan kissed the side of Kyle’s head and spoke against his skin. “I don’t want second group to be focused on us. On this.” 

Kyle took another breath and then moved back away from Dan. He was instantly cold and he reached for his top. Kyle knew the reason he was cold wasn’t because he was not wearing a shirt, but it seemed appropriate to put it on now. 

“What is this?” Kyle asked once he was dressed and he could think clear because the rush of hormones did not seem as intense. “Are we together? Like, are you my boyfriend?” 

“Boyfriend?” Dan asked, shifting his feet. “I dunno. I like kissing you. I don’t want to kiss anyone else. Does that make us boyfriends?” 

Kyle nodded his head and told himself to not move in close to Dan again. That would only lead to more kissing and Kyle didn’t know if he could move himself away again. “I want you to be my boyfriend. I want to be your boyfriend.” 

“Then, yes.” Dan smiled and Kyle felt his heart swell. That smile was everything. 

Dan slowly raised up his hand and pushed his glasses back. It was quick, but Kyle saw the pain flash across his face. 

“Your arms alright?” Kyle stepped in closer and reached for Dan’s arms. Holding them so Dan’s palms faced up, Kyle looked them over. Dan was wearing a thick hoody and there was no reason he would be able to see anything underneath it, but Kyle felt like he was doing something by looking. “Did I hurt you?” 

“No. I hurt myself.” Dan looked to his arms as well, but appeared to be focusing on the gentle way Kyle’s hands held Dan’s forearms. “It sucks because I want to touch you, but it hurts to put any pressure on them. The physician said it would heal. I simply need to use caution and allow them time.” 

Kyle lowered his head and gave a light kiss to each of Dan’s forearms, with lips barely touching the fabric. 

“There. Now they will heal faster.” Kyle grinned as he raised his head. Kyle meant it to be a sweet gesture, but Dan’s eyes were intense as they watched him. 

“Thank you.” Dan said after some time. Lowering his arms from Kyle’s hold, Dan looked away and went to open the door. With his hand on the doorknob, Dan looked up to Kyle. “Kyle?” 

Kyle felt his chest warm at the sound of his name on Dan’s lips. “Yes?” 

“I really like you.” Dan confessed and then left without giving Kyle the opportunity to say it back. 

Kyle pressed the palms of his hands against his face and let out a short happy noise. 

It was worth it to break every rule if he was able to do that with Dan. 

The boy that was meant to be a distraction and was turning into the only thing he could think about anymore. 

Righting his clothes and breathing through his thoughts, Kyle grinned to himself and attempted to sort out how he was going to make it through the meal, and the rest of the day, without his lips permanently attached to Dan in some way.


	10. Day Seven 13:55

After lunch and before their individual sessions, Kyle and Dan went to the music room. 

Thankfully, no one else followed them. 

Dan had his notebook in his hand and appeared to be upset. What exactly he was upset about, Kyle did not know. 

Kyle started in on the song that Dan had taught him and Dan opened the notebook to rest on the music rack. 

“Do I get to see inside the magical notebook?” Kyle teased as he paused his fingers and looked closer at the pages. “Where are the notes?” 

“I don’t do that.” Dan shook his head and rested his arms on his lap, both of them turned upward. Kyle wondered if they were hurting him still. And if he needed to give them another kiss. “I write the words. The notes are only in my head.” 

“Okay.” Kyle leaned forward and saw a whole world of words and phrases written on the page. A few doodles here and there. “This makes sense to you?” 

“Yes.” Dan nodded his head out of the corner of Kyle’s eye. As he spoke, the pauses between his sentences became longer. “They are conversations mainly. Thoughts about what people would say to each other. I, I suck at talking so I have these conversations that I imagine in my head. Stories, I guess. I don’t try to think of them; they simply come to my head whether I want them to or not. Sometimes they won’t leave unless I write them down.” 

“That is kinda amazing. I barely have conscious thoughts, yet alone unconscious ones.” Kyle went to turn the page and then paused, looking toward Dan. His eyes were on his arms and Kyle could see the reflection of the notebook and the piano in his glasses. “You okay there?” 

Dan let out a sigh and raised his arms up slightly to emphasize his words. His eyes moved from his arms and then the notebook. “I cannot write anything. I tried, but it hurts too much. I wasn’t supposed to be alive so I didn’t think through the long-term effects of butchering up my arms.”

“I could write for you. I mean, that isn’t weird, is it?” Kyle wanted to touch him but he didn’t want to hurt him. Moving his hand to Dan’s thigh, Kyle waited for Dan to look at him. “You tell me what to write and I will put it down. Word for word. Or random thought to random thought.” 

“I…” Dan’s eyes left Kyle’s quickly and he focused on something in the opposite direction of Kyle. “I kind of sing them when I write and...yeah.” 

“Okay. So you sing them for me and I write them down.” Kyle smiled to himself because Dan was freaking out about nothing. There was an easy solution to this problem. Probably one of the easiest solutions Kyle thought about in forever. “It will be fun. I can act like I am writing the song with you and you can get the conversations out of your head.” 

“But, then I would have to sing.” Dan bit his lip and Kyle was distracted for a moment because that is what they did before they kissed. Kyle was fairly certain they were not going to be kissing. Although, if that was an option, Kyle would gladly choose it. “I don’t do that.” 

Kyle’s brain finally caught up with his ears and he laughed a bit. “What does that mean? Explain it to me like I’m an idiot because you are biting your lip and that is taking up most of my brain energy right now.” 

Kyle cursed himself because Dan immediately stopped biting his lip. But, he was able to get Dan’s eyes back on him, so he removed the curse. 

“I don’t sing in front of people.” Dan said it like Kyle was an idiot, which was fair because Kyle had literally told him to explain it to him like he was an idiot. 

“I’m not people.” Kyle tried to joke with him. “I am person. Singular.” 

Kyle felt proud because he got a slight smile in return so he decided to continue. “And, anyway, I know what the inside of your mouth tastes like and you saw my naked bum, so are we really going to be shy about opening your mouth and talking fancy?” 

“I did not see your naked bum.” Dan instantly denied it and his face blushed, indicating he had seen it and he lied about it. “At least not, like, the whole thing. It was a tiny peek. And then I panicked because, you know, naked person. I didn’t like stare or anything.” 

“Hogwash.” Kyle teased moving in closer so Dan couldn’t avoid his eyes. “You stared and you liked it. And then you stared at my naked chest. And you touched my stomach. And I felt like my whole body was humming or something because your eyes were on me and I liked that feeling. Then you kissed me, and that was even better.” 

Dan raised his eyes fully and they were close enough that if either of them moved just a bit, they would be kissing. Kyle could feel Dan breathing against his lips and he wanted to add that in as well, but his brain wasn’t working right. 

Kyle was three seconds from moving in and allowing himself a taste of the wonderfulness that was Dan’s mouth, but the door opened and both of them jumped away from one another. 

“I don’t hear any music coming from the music room. For shame lads.” Janette smiled at them as she walked in. She had a med cup in one hand and a clipboard in another. “I know for a fact that both of you play, so I expected something to wow me. I guess I will have to wait for the grand crescendo or another music term that I will pretend I know what it means. Don’t tell my nan, but I cheated my way through my music course.” 

“How do you cheat a music course?” Dan asked with a confused look on his face. 

There was enough space between Kyle and Dan now that both of them sat on the edge of the bench as they turned to face the woman that interrupted them. 

“I love to hear you speak. I am happy you found your voice.” Janette smiled avoiding the question. She also handed Dan his med cup. “Time for your daily dose of pain relief and happiness.” 

“You mean, my second dose?” Dan took the cup and downed them quickly. Before Janette could ask, he opened his mouth and raised his tongue. After handing the cup back, Dan continued. “Still waiting for that relief. And happiness.” 

“Maybe your nighttime meds will help with that.” Janette gave him a smile and turned his attention to Kyle. “And you, you are going to be late to your individual session if you don’t hurry.” 

“That isn’t until two.” Kyle said as he told himself to keep his eyes on Janette and not Dan sitting next to him. There were several tablets in that cup and Dan took them without water. “I have time.” 

“Kyle, it is five minutes to two.” Janette turned her wrist out to show Kyle the time. “Time flies when you are having fun.” 

“Fuck.” Kyle stood and started walking backward to the door. He had so many questions for Dan now but he needed to make it to his individual session. Now that he was playing nice again with the programme, he didn’t want to be written up. “Sorry, language. Dan, I want to help you with that when I’m done. Or when you are done. You go right after me today, right?” 

Dan nodded and Kyle ran into the door before opening it and running down the hallway to Lew’s office. 

He slid into the door there as well and then stood up straight before entering in a less rushed manner. 

Lew reviewed the group topic from earlier in the day and then took off his glasses and set down with his notepad. Sitting back in his chair, he crossed his leg over his knee and rested his hands on his thighs. “So, anything you want to add to that conversation?” 

“Nope.” Kyle shook his head and crossed his arms tighter around his stomach. “You did a fine job covering it. And Chris, what are we going to do without our little boy genius to recite the rules to us?” 

“You like to use humour to deflect from the conversation. That likely works well for you. You appear genuine and make the other person laugh. Then, oops, what were we talking about? Subject change.” Lew gave him a nodding smile. “Can we pretend like I have a doctorate degree and can see through that?” 

“I don’t see why we need to pretend. I mean, you have one right?” Kyle felt his mouth moving and he really was starting to wonder if maybe he did not have control of his mouth. It said things without him thinking and it moved toward Dan’s mouth without Kyle’s consent as well. “Isn’t that what that large paper is on the wall? Nice frame. I would have gone with a silver finish, but bronze is nice.” 

“You and Dan are close, yes?” Lew ignored Kyle’s attempt to deflect and narrowed down his question. “We can agree on that, right?” 

“Maybe.” Kyle lost the smile on his face. Lew knew something and he was waiting for Kyle to confess it. 

Did he know about Dan in his room either today? 

That Dan had seen him naked? 

That they kissed against the door? 

That they were going to kiss before Janette rudely interrupted them? 

Kyle wasn’t confessing anything until he knew the charges and the evidence to support it. His solicitor had advised him of such during his court proceedings. 

“Okay.” Lew nodded and raised an eyebrow. “So if we bring Frank in here right now and ask him what he saw earlier today, he would say that maybe you and Dan are close?” 

“I really don’t understand why you have a doctorate and believe that I can read people’s minds. Or predict the future.” Kyle’s stomach was starting to react to the direction of the conversation but he had years of smart mouthing to fall back on. “I mean, if that were true, I would be off making money and not stuck in treatment.” 

“Stuck?” Lew asked and lowered his eyebrow. “You agreed to services to reduce your custody obligation. And yet, you have not even started to address those concerns because you are sneaking into other resident’s rooms during the day and the music room at night.” 

“You said that was okay.” Kyle countered and felt the stomach bubbles moving into his chest area. “And my foster parents agreed. I was simply forced to go along with this. Funny, I don’t see them here. Have you even heard from them since they dropped me off? I mean, it is like they don’t really care about me at all.” 

“We can come back to that topic.” Lew was good. Kyle had thrown many people off with that move before. “First, let's talk about the nature of your relationship with Dan. And, whether it is appropriate that you two are allowed so much time together.” 

That one hit him and Kyle felt his chest start to burn. Lew was only throwing around his power. He wouldn’t take Dan away from him. Or him from Dan. He needed to write down Dan’s lyrics and stories for him. 

“I don’t want to separate you two. However, it is our obligation and responsibility to keep you safe while you are here. We already had one major incident with Dan since you have been here.” Lew’s voice stayed even despite the horrible words he was saying. “If needed, we might have to put extra restrictions on your time together. Or, enforce the rules that residents are to remain in their room after ‘light out.’” 

“That is cruel.” Kyle felt ill and he clenched his fists together. “Dan and I...I finally found someone I care about and you are going to make us be apart? No. I don’t agree to that. I won’t do that. Dan won’t either. He, he needs me.” 

“And that is the issue, right there.” Lew uncrossed his legs and did the damn leaning forward thing. “You need to learn how to be emotionally secure on your own. To manage yourself on your own in case the other person is not there when you need it.” 

“Fuck that.” Kyle’s fists pressed into his stomach. He felt the rage moving through him and he wanted to hit him. Hurt him even. “I have been on my own since I was twelve years old. I know how to manage myself and to be ‘emotionally secure’ on my own. I deserve to have someone that I care about. Someone that cares about me. Because foster placements, they don’t give a shit about me. The courts don’t give a shit about me. My family did but they are dead now. They are gone and I am here. Alone. So fucking alone all the damn time and I want to have someone to love me. What is wrong with that? Why don’t I deserve that?” 

“You do deserve that, but-” 

“Don’t take him away from me. Please.” Kyle’s fists went numb with the pressure he had on them. “He needs me as well. He deserves to have someone to love him. He is talking now, right? He smiles. He is on time for group. He hasn’t tried to kill himself since he has been back. With me.” 

“Kyle.” Lew pressed his hands together and sat back in his chair. He seemed to be debating with myself on what to say next. 

See, that was only a fucking piece of paper on the wall in an ugly frame. It meant nothing. 

Kyle knew Dan. He knew how he thought. What he felt. Kyle had been in the same place when his family died. Kyle knew what it was like to question everything and why he was spared. To deal with the systems and the fucking looks from everyone when they learn their story. Kyle knew. 

Lew didn’t know. They cannot teach that in some classroom. It doesn’t come when someone gets a job. 

“Dan has shown improvement because the medication he was prescribed before was not the right fit for him. It increased his suicidal thoughts and during his hospitalization, they changed his medications. Dan is showing improvement because a psychiatrist was able to evaluate his medications and determine the changes needed.” Lew paused and allowed Kyle to hear the words he said. “I am sure that Dan appreciates your friendship and care, but it would not be fair to say that Dan is showing improvement simply because you are spending time with him.” 

Kyle let his fists release and he swallowed the painful bubbles down. 

The medication cup with the multiple different colours. 

Kyle was such an idiot. 

“Our time is done.” Kyle stood and felt himself sway a bit as his blood pressure adjusted to standing so quickly. “Great chat today. I feel much better.” 

Kyle ignored Lew calling his name and went to his room. 

Finding the rabbit, Kyle went to his door and sat down in front of it. 

Burying his face in the fur, Kyle took in a deep breath and cursed.

He should have put more in it before he left. 

The powder was almost completely gone.


	11. Day Seven 21:01

“Kyle.” 

The voice was faint and from a distance. 

And it sounded purple. 

Kyle felt the purple and smiled into the taste of kindness. 

Dan tasted like kindness. 

Kyle wondered if Dan knew that. 

He would have to tell him soon. 

Wait, was the purple sound Dan? 

Purple repeated itself and Kyle opened his eyes. 

Strange. The ceiling moved. 

No worries, Kyle would put it back later. 

Kyle turned his head toward the purple noise and his smile grew. 

Dan was purple!

“Don’t worry about the ceiling. It does that.” Kyle kept his eyes on Dan and wondered if Dan knew how he tasted. “You are kindness.” 

“You are acting strange. You hit your head? Did you fall? Is that why you are on the ground in front of the door?” Purple Dan asked him but that didn’t make sense because Kyle was not on the floor. It was the ceiling that moved, not the floor. 

Kyle smiled at the questions because there were too many. And Purple’s mouth was moving again. 

Something about food and group. 

“I don’t like all the food groups.” Kyle closed his eyes because Purple’s mouth was still moving but the sound had stopped. “What the hell kind of food group is popcorn?” 

“You are so weird right now.” Purple giggled and Kyle felt his soul light up at the sound. Maybe Purple was really Blue. 

Blue always made Kyle’s soul feel happiness. 

Like the blue angel that saved him. 

For a long while Kyle had wished the blue angel had never come for him. Because then he would still be with his family and not so alone. 

But, then Kyle met Purple and he wasn’t so alone. 

That was nice. 

“Group will start soon.” Purple was closer to him now and Kyle felt sparks as his breath was close to his face. “Get up and I will give you a kiss.” 

“Kindness.” Kyle opened his eyes and found Purple’s. “You taste like kindness. Did you know? And, popcorn, not a food group.” 

Kyle took a moment to look around him and he found that he was on the floor. Purple, no Dan, he told his brain, was near him on the floor. Ceiling was up. Maybe it hadn’t moved. 

“Aw, what a cute rabbit.” Kyle heard and knew there was a reason that Dan couldn’t touch the plush animal, but he couldn’t remember it. 

“Don’t touch it.” Kyle sat up quickly and almost knocked into Dan. Kyle reached for Dan’s arms to push them away but stopped himself right at the last moment. Kyle knew there was something about Dan’s arms as well, but like the rabbit, he wasn’t quite sure. “You can’t touch it!” 

Dan leaned back and moved himself onto his knees and then stood at Kyle’s tone. “I’m sorry. I won’t touch it.” 

Kyle picked up the rabbit and threw it toward the bed. 

As he stood, he knew that the rabbit had more left in it then Kyle had thought. 

Looking toward Dan, Kyle found there was still a purple haze around him but that was likely because of the hoody. 

Dan was swaying as he stood. Or maybe that was Kyle. That happened with the powder. 

“I’m sorry.” Kyle found his voice and ignored the waves of colours hitting his eyes. He had breathed in the powder throughout this time on the floor but it was leaving him now. Much as it did each morning after he removed the rabbit from his reach. “I didn’t mean to yell. It is my sister’s rabbit. I, I don’t let people touch her.” 

Dan nodded his head and more of the haze left his body with the movement. “I’m sorry. I won’t touch it.” 

Kyle’s brain remembered Dan’s arms and the tablets Dan had taken earlier. Kyle had no idea what Dan was taking, but his drug fever brain knew that whatever it was, it likely did not need to meet with the powder in the rabbit. 

“Did I hurt you?” Kyle felt more steady on his feet as he moved in closer to Dan. Dan was stood with his arms folded in front of him at a slight angle, but he was not touching anything. “Tell me if I did.” 

“No.” Dan shook his head and appeared to be relaxing more. “You scared me. You didn’t go to the music room after your individual session and then you didn’t go to dinner. I thought maybe Lew upset you. He told me what Frank told him. It doesn’t matter. They cannot make us...not be together. You are like the best thing that ever happened to me and I...I don’t care what the rules are.” 

Kyle felt his heart increase at the confession that Kyle was the best thing that ever happened to Dan. Kyle wanted to kiss him, but he also wanted to make sure it was completely out of his system before he touched him. 

“You are far and away the best thing that has ever happened to me.” Kyle smiled and took another step closer to him. “I don’t care about the rules either. I need to be careful though. Me being here is reducing my custody arraignment. If I mess this up, then I will have to go back to custody.” 

“Custody?” Dan looked worried and Kyle wanted to touch him to ease all that unnecessary stress. “What did you do?” 

“It doesn’t matter.” Kyle felt the influence of the drug leave him completely and he leaned in to kiss him. Everything the matter with the world could be settled with Kyle’s lips against Dan’s. At least it seemed so when they were attached like that. 

“We need to go to group.” Dan let out his breath on Kyle’s lips and Kyle fought to keep himself away from him. “And then have a serious chat about what we need to do to keep Frank’s eyes off us. He is just upset because Will might leave soon.” 

“Does a serious chat involve our lips moving together?” Kyle smiled and willed himself away from Dan. They were going to be late and Kyle couldn’t afford to have another issue today with Lew. Running out of his office likely wasn’t the best move he could have made given the topic. 

“I sure the hell hope so.” Dan giggled as he opened the door and Kyle felt the world right itself. 

Group was boring. 

Frank ranted about the rules in the programme and tried to get Will to talk about them as well. Will only shrugged his shoulders and said he really did not care if Frank was allowed to kiss his neck or not. 

The topic was changed quickly to coping skills to manage disappointment and challenges. 

The best part of group was that Dan kept his hood off and Kyle could sit across from him and stare at his hair. 

They immediately went to the music room when released from group and Dan initiated the first kiss before the door was even fully shut. 

Pressing Kyle against the door with his chest, Dan’s tongue found Kyle’s and it was a wonderful, kind blur of everything Kyle didn’t realize happened when you cared about someone like he did Dan. 

Kyle had no reference for it, but he was certain that what was happening between them was special. Rare. And need to be treated with care. 

Kyle moved his hands from Dan’s hips to wrap around his lower back and pull him in closer. As Kyle felt Dan brush against him, he heard a loud cry and he stopped. 

Breathing hard, Kyle took in the sight of Dan to see if he hurt him. Dan was breathing in spurts and appeared to be in pain. 

“Are you alright?” Kyle raised his hands to Dan’s face and cupped it while asking, “Did I hurt you?” 

Dan let out a groan and answered, “Kind of. But in the most embarrassing way.” 

Dan’s eyes lowered to Kyle’s chest and Kyle was confused. What was embarrassing about pain? 

“I don’t understand.” Kyle waited for Dan’s eyes to move back to his face, but Dan did not move them. He was still breathing in short bursts and seemed to be more frustrated. “Please tell me.” 

“I haven’t…” Dan swallowed and pressed his forehead against Kyle’s cheek. “Before, you know, probably because of the depression. The new medication works differently. Or maybe because it is not fully in my system yet. But my arms and the pressure. It doesn’t help that you make my skin want to attach itself to you and I feel it when you kiss me all the way in my toes.” 

Wicked, Dan felt the same thing as Kyle when they kissed like that. 

But Kyle still was not understanding what Dan meant until Dan moved his hips in closer. 

Oh, damn. 

Dan was hard. 

“Oh.” Kyle felt every nerve in his body stand at attention and he wanted to touch him. Was Dan saying it was okay to touch him? Kyle felt himself respond at the idea. “Do you want, want me to help, help you?” 

Kyle felt Dan moved his hips in closer and Kyle knew it was going to be endgame for him soon. 

Kyle pressed back against Dan’s hips and swore he saw stars. Maybe some of the special effects of the rabbit were still in his system. 

“Kyle.” Dan moaned his name and Kyle was thankful that the door was behind him because he needed someone to keep him standing. 

Kyle had thought it was amazing to hear Dan say his name earlier but now it was almost like Dan was touching him with his voice. 

“Touch me.” Dan kissed Kyle's cheek and let his lips linger on his skin. "Please.” 

That was not fair. How did Dan get to put sentences together? 

Once Kyle’s brain processed the fact that Dan was giving him permission, Kyle lowered one of his hands slowly down Dan’s chest to his stomach and then kept going. 

Kyle had done this to himself countless times and it would be just like touching himself. 

That was what he told himself to keep the nerves at bay. Dan’s lips were no longer on his cheek but his breath was and it stopped when Kyle pressed his hand against the hardness underneath Dan’s jeans. 

Dan let out a sound that Kyle felt and he had to close his eyes to not do something stupid and come in his pants from the sound. 

“Kyle.” Dan whined and his lips were underneath Kyle’s ear. Dan was going to leave a mark and Kyle did not have long hair or a hood to cover it up. 

Not that Kyle cared because his hand was fully cupping Dan and he pressed the heel of his palm against him. Which made another wicked sound and Kyle knew he was going to come soon. 

There was no avoiding it. 

“Dan.” Kyle found his voice and breathed out his name as Dan’s mouth stopped moving on his neck but continued to rest there. Dan’s hips were moving against his hand and there were more sounds. “I’m close.” 

Dan nodded his head and then his hips abruptly stopped moving. 

Kyle heard Dan take in a large gulp of air and he knew he had made Dan come. 

Moving his hand to himself, Kyle only needed to press down once and he was leaning his weight against Dan as the ceiling moved again on him. 

“You okay?” Kyle heard Dan ask him and his heart felt light and warm. 

Kyle kissed Dan’s temple and then his lips briefly before nodding his head. “I would say I want every chat I have from now on to be that amazing, but I only want to do that with you. Are you okay? Your arms?” 

“Better.” Dan kissed along Kyle’s jaw and Kyle smiled. “I am a bit mortified that that happened, but I am chuffed it did. It has been hard kissing you and then dealing with that afterward. Punishment from the gods of irony that I finally get myself a boyfriend and my arms hurt too much to get myself off.” 

That image alone had Kyle wanting to do it again. 

“Dan.” Kyle kissed Dan’s forehead and then moved back slightly so he could see his face better. “Before, you said you really like me. I really, really like you.” 

Dan smiled and then moved his head down onto Kyle’s shoulder. 

What a rollercoaster of emotions. 

Kyle knew that the rabbit was going to lose its effect soon, but maybe he didn’t need it as much if he had Dan?


	12. Day Eight

The rest of day seven went by quickly. 

Kathy ushered them both into their individuals rooms around 23:15 due to the anticipated stress of the next day. 

Chris was leaving and four new residents were arriving. 

Kyle was glad for the distraction because Frank had been way too invested in Dan and Kyle’s relationship. If there were more people, and perhaps someone else for Frank to go after besides the limited emotion Will, then hopefully he would ignore the fact that Kyle liked looking at Dan. 

And touching him. 

And “helping” him with his recovery from his unsuccessful attempt at his own life. 

Kyle tried to ignore that last bit. 

If things had not gone the way they did, if Kathy had not found Dan in time, then none of this would be happening. 

The butterflies in Kyle’s stomach when he saw Dan. Or thought about him. 

The ache he felt when he was away from him. 

The want to be around him 24/7. 

And the sweet sound of Dan singing. 

The next morning, before breakfast, Kyle had caught Dan in the music room. 

Dan had him write down lyrics for the song that was in his head before Kathy told them to go to bed. 

Kyle had seen more of the notebook and added fresh new marks to the pages. 

Kyle liked that his handwriting was in Dan’s book. 

Kyle knew that was pathetic and too sweet for words, but he didn’t care. 

Now, standing outside the door to the music room with his ear near where the door met the frame, Kyle’s face hurt from smiling. 

Dan had refused, literally refused, to sing for Kyle last night. 

Kyle tried to trick him by having Dan tell him the melody so Kyle could play it on the piano but Dan smiled at him and shook his head. 

Kyle had no idea why Dan was so shy about his voice. It was wonderful. And not just because Kyle thought the person that owned the voice was wonderful. 

Maybe he was a bit biased, but there was no mistaking that Dan was talented. 

And, he was singing the words that Kyle had written down for Dan. 

“Raté.” Frank said under his breath as he walked past Kyle stood near the door. Frank lip raised and he continued to walk toward the dining hall. 

“Va te faire foutre.” Kyle shouted down the hallway to him in his perfect French accent. Frank turned and gave him a dirty look, but also seemed impressed as well. “That’s right. My French teacher loved me.” 

Kyle startled as the door to the music room opened slowly and Dan was stood looking at him with wide eyes. Leaning his head out and then down the hallway to Frank, Dan shook his head as he turned back to Kyle. “Be nice.” 

“Did you understand that?” Kyle smirked as he took in the sight of Dan in the morning. 

His hair was almost ridiculous and Kyle had the realization that Dan probably couldn’t do his hair with his arms healing. Maybe he could offer to help him. Like he did yesterday, but a bit different. And then he would offer to help him like that again as well. 

“Enough to know that was not nice.” Dan shook his head and then bit his lip as he took in the sight of Kyle. Maybe Dan would let him help him now. “Give him some empathy. New people are here and he hates people. And Will is leaving tomorrow. What would you do if I left?” 

Lose my mind and get high enough that nothing mattered anymore. Run away. Go back to London and make money. Only this time, don’t get caught. 

“You did leave me and I didn’t like it.” Kyle couldn’t say the other things so he settled with that. “I will apologize at breakfast.” 

“Good boy.” Dan nodded his head and allowed the door to shut behind him. “Want to know a random fact about me?” 

“You sing beautifully and will be required to sing for me in person following group?” Kyle gently bumped his hip against Dan’s as they made their way down the hallway. 

Dan stopped and whispered, “Did you hear that?” 

“I did. No more refusing. I know you can sing, just like I knew you could talk. The gig is up!” Kyle sang the last bit in a low baritone and laughed as Dan’s face broke into another smile. Fuck, still the best thing to witness. Dan getting out of his head enough to give a genuine smile. 

“Whatever that fancy French thing you said to Frank, I say to you.” Dan looked both ways down the hallway and then gave Kyle a quick kiss on the cheek. 

“Yes please.” Kyle grinned back and told himself to control himself. They were in the middle of the hallway and anyone could walk in. 

“Maybe not.” Dan blushed a bit and then started back down the hallway. “And because you did not ask, the random fact is that my birthday is July 14th.” 

“Oh, the Storming of the Bastille!” Kyle pronounced the last one with a French accent and raised his hand up. “Bet French teachers loved you as well.” 

Dan laughed and nodded his head. 

After breakfast, the first two new residents joined them for the first group and by lunch, the other two had arrived. 

To say the day turned chaotic after that would be an understatement. 

Apparently, Frank knew one of the new females and they despised each other. 

There was a new boy that was quite young and loud. After one hour of being there, he had Jerry chasing him down the hallway and then right back to the other side. After two full laps around, Jerry stopped chasing him and stood in the middle of the hallway as Ben ran around. 

The other two females were quiet and appeared nervous to be there. 

One had her eyes on Dan and Kyle hated her. 

Johnny was in his glory with new friends to make. 

Will disappeared in his room. 

And Dan and Kyle took advantage of the chaos to hide out in the music room. 

And kiss. 

And kiss. 

And kiss. 

Kyle wondered if anyone had died from kissing too much. Even if it was a side effect of kissing Dan, Kyle would still take that risk. 

Dan took a large step away from him and raised his hands. Unfair because Dan knew Kyle wouldn’t risk hurting him by pressing against the hands and getting closer to him again. 

“Break. I need a break.” Dan’s face was flush and his lips were so used. Kyle almost stepped into Dan’s space again but then found he quite liked having extra oxygen and stayed where he was near the door. 

Kissing by the door was the safest place because it blocked it and they would instantly know if someone was spying on them. 

“You are cute.” Kyle found himself saying and wanted to see the reaction again and again from Dan. Dan grinned and leaned forward but away at the same time, as if to hide away from Kyle.

“Stop. I’m not.” Dan moved toward the piano bench and sat down. Pressing down a key with one finger, he sang the note and then turned to look at Kyle. “Get over here.” 

“You are bossy.” Kyle followed the command and sat down next to him. “I like it.” 

“I was going to sing for you, but you lost it by teasing me.” Dan raised up one lip and made a face at him. “Unless you can change my mind.” 

“I heard you earlier at the door. You sounded amazing.” Kyle leaned in a bit but kept his distance. Some of the colour was leaving Dan’s cheeks and Kyle could see the freckles pop out again. “I thought when I heard you, ‘I cannot believe he doesn’t know how wonderful he is. And how much I like him.’” 

The colour returned and Dan bit at his lower lip. After a few seconds, he responded, “I’m not used to someone saying that. I like that you say that to me. I really, really, really like you.” 

Kyle wondered if maybe they would continue with adding additional ‘reallys’ to the feeling until the other L word was used. 

“Good. Now sing for me monkey.” Kyle raised his hands to the keys and waited. “Go on, show me how it goes monkey boy.” 

“I don’t know if you are being mean or not, but fine.” Dan laughed at Kyle’s dumb attempt at a joke and turned his body toward the piano. “Don’t look at me.” 

“Don’t deprive a man of his one true…” Kyle stopped himself before he used that other L word. He wasn’t quite sure if it was the right thing to say given what was happening between them. He didn’t want to scare Dan away. Or make him do something stupid like not sing for him. “Thing he likes looking at. There are so few things of beauty in this world.” 

“You convinced me.” Dan turned further away and started humming the melody. “It goes like that. Can you follow me?” 

“I would follow you into an old abandoned building in the middle of a horror film.” Kyle grinned at the reaction he got from Dan and he decided he loved his new game of making Dan look like that. “Too strong? Do I need to tone it back?” 

“Maybe a bit?” Dan nodded his head and then started again, this time with a slight giggle in his voice. “You confused me and now I can only think of a monkey running frantically into an abandoned building while suspenseful music builds.” 

“Perfect, go with that.” Kyle laughed at his own joke and then settled into listening for Dan’s cues. 

They stayed in the music room until dinner and then had to deal with all the new people in the dining hall. 

Kyle started the programme with eight residents there, including himself, but for some reason it seemed a lot more crowded tonight with the new residents. 

“I want to hear from Dan.” Frank uncrossed his arms and leaned into the circle. “He comes to group, at least most of the time, but he doesn’t share anything. What is going on inside that head? I mean, he tried to kill himself only a few short days ago and nothing?” 

“Frank, I don’t know if that question came from a genuine place.” Lew looked around the group, especially the new residents. “Individuals are not forced to share information about themselves or their experiences if they do not wish during group. Simply being in the group and listening to others is therapeutic and helpful for many people.” 

“No. I want to share.” Dan said and everyone’s eyes turned to him at once. “But not like that. Jeez, I do speak. I don’t like it. Especially when everyone looks at me like that.” 

“You like it when Kyle looks at you.” Frank said under his breath and uncrossed his arms. As he spoke, his voice continued to raise until he was using a normal speaking volume. “Cannot get enough of that. Sneaking into his room any chance you can get. Anyone else would be kicked out of the programme, but not you. Why is that?” 

“Frank, that sounds like an attack and not a supportive question.” Lew directed his statement to Frank and then turned his attention to Dan. “Not to share Dan’s personal business, but this would be true for all residents that fail to follow the rules. The matter was discussed during individual sessions. Points were reflected and consequences were given.” 

“What about Kyle?” Frank raised his eyebrow, obviously not liking Lew’s answers. “He didn’t have any consequence. He walks around here with a mark on his neck and no one bothers to point that out to him. He has a rabbit in his room-” 

“Enough!” Kyle felt the anger rising in him as Frank spoke and he stood as he shouted toward him. “Not another word.” 

“What?” Frank faked shock, staying sat in his chair. “Not in the mood to share that with the group? I wonder why?” 

Kyle felt something snap inside his brain and he had Frank on the floor. 

Frank was light and he easily went down. Kyle pressed his hands down on Frank’s lower arms, pushing them into the hard floor underneath him as he secured his legs with his thighs. Frank’s smug face was replaced with one of fear and Kyle was enjoying it more than he should. “Qui est le perdant maintenant?” 

“Kyle, remove yourself from him.” Kyle heard Lew say it but it was more entertaining to stay where he was and press his hands down harder into Frank’s skin. 

Frank’s eyes opened wider and Kyle felt the anger take over. He could hurt him. Seriously hurt him and it would feel good. 

“Kyle?” Dan’s voice sounded confused and broken. Worried. Nothing that Kyle had heard before and never wanted to hear again. 

Turning his head to look toward him, Kyle found Dan’s eyes looked like how he sounded when he said his name. That was not something Kyle wished to see ever again either. 

Releasing his hold on Frank, Kyle stood and moved away from him. Raising his hands, Kyle looked around the shocked expressions of the group and then back to Frank still on the floor. “I’m sorry.” 

“That is enough for this evening. Everyone, please go to their rooms.” Lew took in the group and then waved his hand in the direction of the rooms. “A staff member will be around shortly to process this with you. Kyle and Frank, you stay right here.” 

Dan stayed a fraction of a second longer than everyone else and left with a quick look in Kyle’s direction. He seemed mostly worried now, but Kyle still hated it. 

Once everyone had left, Lew asked Frank if he was okay. Kyle sat in a chair the furthest away from Frank and knew he was going to have to explain that. 

“Okay then.” Lew watched as Frank took his seat and then looked between them. “Obviously, this is something that needs sorting out. I will go first and we will get to the bottom of it.” 

Kyle nodded his head in agreement and saw that Frank copied him. 

“We will get to the serious rule violations about going into other’s rooms and engaging in physical conduct with another resident in a minute, only because those are topics that we already discussed.” Lew leaned forward and Kyle felt his throat drop into his chest. “What is the concern with the rabbit?”


	13. Day Nine

“Good morning.” Kyle sat next to Dan in the dining hall and waited for him to look up and acknowledge him. 

Dan was sat with his hood up, now a dark grey and much larger than the purple one. This hoody almost swallowed him up and Kyle was reminded of the Dan he first met in the black hoody. 

Dan did not look up and there was only a muffin on his plate. No juice. 

Kyle waited another minute and then attempted to hold Dan’s foot with his own, but Dan moved it away from him. 

Kyle actually felt his heart breaking. Small pieces of it breaking off and moving into his stomach. He felt ill. 

“Dan, please. Look at me.” Kyle kept his eyes locked on the top of Dan’s head and focused on a small fuzzball that was attached to the material. He wanted Dan to look up and then he could explain himself. Kyle couldn’t explain himself to a fuzzball. He said his name again and hoped Dan heard the anguish in his voice. “Dan.” 

Dan had his arms in his lap and facing up. Kyle wondered if they still hurt. It had been a few days, maybe they were not healing right. 

He would ask him, but apparently he was not allowed Dan’s voice anymore. 

In another attempt at getting his attention, Kyle stood and moved to the other side of the table. Halfway there, Dan stood and moved out of the room. Leaving his whole muffin behind. 

Kyle stayed frozen near the table. One of the new girls was staring at him but he didn’t care. No one else existed if Dan was not talking to him.

Kyle put his head down and abandoned his tray as he left the room. 

He was already on notice and needed to be on his absolute best behaviour, but he was fairly certain he wouldn’t be kicked out over leaving his tray on the table. 

Kyle exited out the door to the yard and found Will in the field that Chris would play football. 

There were no footballs in sight. 

“Is it true? Are you leaving today?” Kyle asked as he pulled his zip up hoody closer to his body. There was a slight chill in the air and there wasn’t much sunlight to warm up the day. “Can I sneak a ride with you?” 

“My parents would notice that there are more people in the vehicle than necessary.” Will said without any hint of sarcasm. “Might be best to wait for your own ride.” 

“I get to stay.” Kyle looked around the open field they were in. The countryside looked so big compared to the city. There were no buildings blocking the view and you could see green forever. “Lew said he wanted me to work on my anger and decided I only just began to work on that here. It would be in my best interest after that episode to stay. Going back to custody wouldn’t teach me anything.” 

“Lovely story.” Will looked in his direction briefly and then back to whatever had caught his eye off in the distance. “Why are you telling me?”

Kyle shrugged his shoulder but Will was not watching so it didn’t matter. 

“Dan is not talking again.” Will said with his eyes off in the distance. “Does talking to me mean that he is not listening either?” 

“Apparently not.” Kyle hugged his arms to his stomach and swallowed. So Dan wasn’t talking at all, not just with him. That was concerning because Kyle did not want him to slip back into old habits. But maybe promising because it wasn’t only Kyle that he wasn’t talking with. 

“Frank told me he loves me.” Will kept his eyes off Kyle. “Said he wants to come and visit me when he is released from here. Wants to be my boyfriend. I have never had one of those before.” 

“Oh.” Kyle nodded his head once and tried to see what had Will’s attention. As far as he could see, there wasn’t anything that special in their sight line. “You love him?” 

“I think so. He makes me hard when he sucks my neck.” Will snickered a bit and looked Kyle’s way briefly. “Tried to get him to suck something else, but he said he is a gentleman and I need to buy him dinner first. Didn’t stop me from sucking him off. I am not a gentleman.” 

Kyle’s eyes grew wide at Will’s confession. Dan and him were getting into trouble because of their activities and they were not nearly as scandalous as Frank and Will. 

Frank. Ugh. 

Kyle was made to apologize last night. Maybe he needed to apologize to Will as well. 

“I’m sorry about yesterday.” Kyle kept his attention on Will but Will’s eyes were back to the spot again. “I shouldn’t have gone at him like that.” 

“No, you shouldn’t have stopped when you did.” Will turned to fully look at Kyle. “Little shit has no right getting into your business because he is upset that I’m leaving before him. You want to be all lovely with Dan and get high off whatever you put on that rabbit, that is your business.” 

Kyle groaned as he looked toward the grass. “You know about that as well?” 

“Frank told me. Apparently he went into your room when you were in the music room.” Will’s flat tone gave no indication that he cared about what he was saying. “He rubbed his nose as he left the room. Frank had a few experiences with substances and put it together. Wicked idea, by the way.” 

“Thanks.” Kyle felt stupid because it was obviously not that great of an idea if Lew knew about it and now Dan was not talking to him. “Does Dan know?” 

“Not quite sure. You know, that not talking thing.” Will laughed and pointed toward the area he had been looking at. “Fire brigade finally arrived.” 

“How long have you been out here?” Kyle teased. 

“I cannot confirm nor deny my whereabouts.” Will kept laughing to himself as he walked away. “Maybe I need to apply for that position. I would be quite quicker in my response.” 

“Especially if you were the one that started the fire.” Kyle said out loud but it was after Will walked far enough away that he likely did not hear him. 

Kyle sat on the grass and lied back, putting his arms up and his hands underneath his head. Finding the raised skin, Kyle absentmindedly rubbed the area and let himself think. 

The powder on the rabbit was to stop his mind from thinking too much. 

Transitions were hard for Kyle. 

He didn’t always use them. In fact, he only started when he found out he was coming to a treatment programme. 

It wasn’t wise to use your products. It cut into your profit margin. 

But, the last run, Kyle was a bit greedy and stupid. He thought he was going to change foster placements and he sold the product without intention to pay the money back to his boss. 

At least most of the product. 

As his luck would have it, Kyle did not change foster placements and his foster parents found the money and the substances in his room. 

They were the ones that turned Kyle in, but in their defense they had to ring the police. If they hadn’t, they would have lost their license and there were other children in their care. 

He managed to keep the powder hidden and he put it on his sister’s rabbit as he was packing for the programme. He was released from custody and his foster parents stopped for his things before driving him to the mental health facility. 

Kyle watched as the clouds moved overhead and thought back to his first foster parents. They had actually been the best, but Kyle was too old for them. They wanted a baby and Kyle was a budding teenager. They were temporary and he was tossed around since then. 

There was a shadow cast on him and Kyle looked toward the source. 

Smiling and sitting up, Kyle opened his mouth to speak but Dan raised his hand. 

Kyle nodded his head and kept his eyes on him as he sat facing him. Dan put his arms on his folded knees and Kyle had the image of Dan meditating in his head. 

Dan still had the hood up but his eyes were looking at Kyle now. Some of the pieces of his heart were floating back to their rightful place but Kyle was cautious. 

“I cut myself last night.” Dan looked toward his left arm and then toward Kyle’s chest. “It was the first time I had wanted to since I tried to kill myself. I didn’t do much, barely opened up one of the stitches.” 

Kyle’s chest hurt and he wanted to tell him he was sorry but Dan looked at his eyes and Kyle knew it wasn’t time for him to speak yet. 

“It didn’t help. Normally, I would get something out of it. But nothing.” Dan paused and let out a slow breath. “Are you leaving me? Are you going to continue to do things that might lead you back to custody? Because I know they can keep you there until you turn 18.”

“Lew will not send me back. He said he wants me to use this time to work more on myself so I don’t do stupid things like that.” Kyle wanted to reach out and touch him, but he found it was enough that Dan was allowing him to talk. And Dan was talking to him. “I have been tripping while I’m here. I put a powder on that rabbit, the one I freaked when you tried to touch it? It makes me see and feel odd things. It helps me sleep. I’m not, like, addicted to it but it helps. Probably like you and your arms.” 

“Is that why you were acting weird when I came to your room?” Dan narrowed his eyes at him. “I thought I offended you and you were high?”

“I’m sorry.” Kyle broke down and rested his hand on Dan’s lower leg. It felt good to touch him after stressing. Dan allowed it and Kyle gave a silent sigh of relief. “I didn’t want you to have a negative reaction, because of your medication.” 

“Thanks?” Dan looked toward Kyle’s hand and sounded unsure. 

“Dan?” Kyle forced his name out and as soon as he had Dan’s eyes, he blurted out the rest. “I love you.” 

Dan’s eyes went wide, likely wider than Kyle’s were when Will overshared with him earlier. 

Kyle felt the panic rising and he attempted to save it. “I mean, you are the best and I haven’t had anyone. My family was amazing. I grew up in a loving family and then, they were all taken away from me. I didn't have family that could have taken me in. I haven’t had anyone care about me in ages and you, I really like you. I know we haven’t known each other long, but this is love right? So I love you, right?” 

“I love you.” Dan smiled and looked around before leaning forward, careful of his arms. Dan’s lips briefly touched Kyle’s lips and Kyle felt his whole heart go back together again. 

Dan sat back down and continued with the smile on his face. It was a lovely sight and Kyle found he lost track of everything he wanted to say. 

“I love you.” Kyle said again like an idiot, but he wanted Dan to know it was genuine and not some question. Kyle knew the answer and Dan did as well. 

“Five more days?” Dan lost that smile and Kyle felt his heart respond. This was how it was going to be now, if Dan was upset, Kyle would feel it. Kyle was sure of it. 

“I go back to my foster parents. We can meet when you are released, right?” Kyle’s hand moved to Dan’s knee and then his thigh. “We can meet in Central London. I am 18 in February. I get my inheritance then and will be on my own.” 

“I have until July.” Dan’s smile returned. “Sorry, you already know that. I live with my auntie. She has my money in a trust. I get mine when I’m 18 as well. We could live together?” 

“Really?” Kyle felt his face beam and he really wanted to kiss Dan. Gently moving Dan's arms out, Kyle leaped in and made Dan fall onto his back. “You alright?” 

“Yes.” Dan nodded and then his eyes were on Kyle’s. Dan moved his legs out straight and moved his head up, sneaking Kyle’s lips. “Kiss me.” 

Kyle smiled into the kiss and felt his whole body respond. 

Happiness was kissing Dan in the middle of a field. A mental health facility in the distance and clouds above them. 

Plans for the future. 

Kyle had never looked forward to adulthood until this moment.


	14. Day Nine 21:53

Dan spoke about his first suicide attempt during second group and everyone listened with respect. Even Frank kept his comments to himself and allowed Dan the space to share what he needed to say. 

Kyle listened with a broken heart at how Dan thought the only way to end his pain was to end his life. 

Maybe because Kyle had been there as well. 

He never took any action on his own, but he put himself into risky situations and had a complete disregard for his safety on numerous occasions. 

For a few years, Kyle was bitter and angry with the world. 

His wonderful life was taken from him and he never thought he would have someone to love him again. 

Never have happiness. 

Never having a future he was looking forward to living. 

But life was surprising and his idiotic mistake to attempt to steal from a drug dealer led to Kyle meeting someone that made him happy to be alive. 

And, from the way Dan kissed him back in the grass and kept whispering he loved him, Kyle felt that he was that person for Dan. 

Dan shared something personal with the group and Kyle had to imagine it was because he was moving on from it. Reliving it to get it out of his system. Process it to get through it. 

After group, they returned to the music room. 

“I have to be in my room at lights out.” Kyle smiled into Dan’s throat and pulled him in closer to him. Dan was shaking a bit and he wanted to keep him close to either share warmth or comfort. Kyle’s arms wrapped completely around Dan’s back and he felt Dan’s fingers resting in his jean pockets. 

Soon, Dan’s arms would be healed enough that he could feel them wrapped around him. 

“Shhh.” Dan tilted his head up and Kyle felt his hair brush against the side of his face. “That doesn’t exist right now. Only me and you. Right now. Okay?” 

“Okay.” Kyle kissed along Dan’s neck and moved them so he was resting against the door. If he was going to be kissing Dan, he needed something to hold them up. “We have an hour.” 

“Correction, we have the rest of our lives.” Dan kissed Kyle’s shoulder and then rested the side of his head against Kyle’s as he moved his hands further into the pockets in the front of Kyle’s jeans. Dan was getting close to touching him and Kyle knew that Dan did not realize how nice it was to have Dan’s hands so close to him. 

“This okay?” Dan licked against his throat and Kyle scolded himself for thinking that Dan was that innocent. 

“You have permission to touch me anywhere and do whatever you want with me.” Kyle let out a short breath as Dan’s fingers moved in more and brushed against his thighs. “That is how okay I am right now.” 

“I wish I could touch you. Properly touch you.” Dan sounded sad and Kyle moved his head to take Dan’s lips because there was no reason for sadness right now. 

Dan kissed him back and Kyle felt him smiling against his lips, which made Kyle smile back. Fuck, he was turning into one of those teenagers. Those lovesick ones that couldn’t stop smiling because they were near the one they love. 

Kyle loved Dan. He truthfully did and the best part, Dan loved him back. 

“Being this close to you and…” Kyle gave him two lingering kisses on his mouth, the last one sucking his bottom lip a bit before pulling back. “Is more than enough for me. And when your arms don’t hurt anymore, we can do more.” 

“Are you real?” Dan giggled as Kyle tickled Dan’s earlobe with his teeth. Dan moved one of his hands out of Kyle’s pocket and moved it up to wipe off the wetness Kyle left behind. “Like, I’m not imagining you, right? Are you some amazing side effect from my medication?” 

“I could say the same about you.” Kyle smiled at Dan and lightly pressed his cheek into Dan’s hand. Dan was lightly brushing the back of his hand against Kyle’s cheek and Kyle wasn’t sure the last time he had been touched so sweetly. “Except mine was an illegal substance and yours is regulated by the government.”

“What happened to your sister’s rabbit?” Dan smiled and kissed Kyle’s cheek before moving his hand back down. He didn’t put it in Kyle’s pocket, but it rested along his side. “Lew didn’t take it from you?” 

“He did but he said he would give it back after it went through the washing.” Kyle tried to keep his hips still but Dan’s hand, the one not in his pocket, brushed along his front and Kyle couldn’t help himself. Dan winced and moved his hand away. “Fuck, sorry. I tried but my body doesn’t listen to me.” 

“It’s fine.” Dan looked down and pressed his front against Kyle. Dan’s hand moved out of his pocket, likely to avoid the pressure and Kyle felt himself respond. “Kyle, I really do love you.” 

“I know.” Kyle moved his hands down lower on Dan’s back and cupped his bum, pulling him in closer to him. Kyle could feel Dan’s heart beating in his chest and he knew Dan could feel his heart going fast as well. Dan let out a little sound as they pressed themselves against one another and Kyle had to close his eyes to keep himself from embarrassing himself. “I really love you.” 

“Kyle.” Dan’s voice sounded strained and Kyle could only press his hands harder into Dan’s bum, the rough texture of their jeans making it even more intense. “Are you close? I’m close. I want to do it at the same time.” 

“I’m close.” Kyle wanted to kiss Dan but his brain wasn’t working well. After a delay, he was able to find Dan’s mouth and he moaned out his response. 

Thankfully, Dan appeared to understand what that meant and they both pressed into each other and stayed there. 

Dan was better than any drug Kyle had ever tried. Kyle hadn’t tried that many drugs but he was fully in support of his thesis statement. 

Kyle felt himself come back from the feeling of absolute bliss and he felt the stickiness in his pants. Dan was worth walking back to his room with his pants sticking to him. 

Dan was worth everything. 

“I love you.” Kyle found himself saying again. He felt like his heart could burst from all the love he felt for Dan. 

“I love you.” Dan said right back and Kyle reluctantly moved himself away from him. Only a bit. 

“I should go, before Kathy comes around and she knows.” Kyle hated the words he needed to say. “I can handle having to be in my room at night, but I couldn’t handle if they take you away from me completely.” 

“Never going to happen.” Dan smiled at him and the world was right again. That angst Kyle felt from the current situation leaving him with Dan’s words. “Because, we know this is only temporary. Remember, studio flat overlooking a lovely view of a brick wall? Maybe a few metres of space for ourselves and the dog?” 

“And a little balcony that Ginni would be afraid to go out on at first, but then she will love it.” Kyle returned Dan’s smile as they went through the plans they had created this afternoon. “Because she would want to be with us and we would protect her. Only, she would love me more because I give her secret treats when you are not looking.” 

“You cannot play favourites with our future dog!” Dan faked pouted and then started giggling at his own joke. “Doesn’t matter, she could never love you as much as I could. Sneak her all the treats you want, I will have you.” 

“Goodnight, Dan.” Kyle put his hand on the door but he couldn’t make himself open it yet. “In our future, we sleep in the same bed every night. The dog can sleep at our feet, but you need to be next to me.” 

“I will go to sleep tonight hugging my pillow like it is you.” Dan said it and then must have realized what he said because his eyes fell to their feet. All Kyle could see now was his ridiculous hair standing up in different directions. 

“You do that as well?” Kyle leaned in and kissed the side of Dan’s head. “I do that every night with the rabbit. Only I will use a pillow tonight.” 

Kyle watched as Dan looked up and smiled at him, his eyes mirroring the love Kyle hoped Dan felt when he looked at him. “Goodnight, Kyle.” 

Kyle took a few more seconds and then opened the door. Looking down the hallway, Kyle found no one around and knew it was the perfect time to get to his room without being seen. 

“Until we meet again.” Kyle turned and walked out backwards through the door, keeping his eyes on Dan until the door shut and blocked his view.

Kyle all but skipped down the hallway and made a mad dash to his room. 

Frank couldn’t see Kyle with a grin plastered on his face and his pants plastered to his skin. He knew Frank was going to be sour tomorrow with Will leaving and there was no way he was going to volunteer to be his punching bag. 

Kyle changed quickly and went to his bag. It was empty beside the book at the bottom. Kyle’s clothes were either in the wardrobe or the wash since he had been here for a few days now. 

Opening the book, Kyle found the photo and took it with him to his bed. 

Kyle laid on his side and hugged one of his pillows tight. He had the photo in front of his face and allowed the sadness to wash over him. At times, looking at the photo was unbearable. 

Only, this time, it didn’t last because he started talking. 

“Hello, Mum. Hello, Dad.” Kyle brushed away the tears with the back of his hand. Once his eyes could focus, he continued. “I met someone. He is wonderful. I love him. I know, I know. I’m young. But, he really is wonderful. He loves me. Shut up, Kiera.” 

Kyle laughed at his sister’s teasing laughter in his head. She would have teased him for liking someone. She was that age. 

“We are going to live together. I am going to use the money you left me to go to university. Dan is going to university as well. Yes, Kilian, he has his own money. Similar story. We are going to build a life together.”

Kyle’s brother would be worried that Dan would be taking advantage of him. He was a protective brother and always wanted the best for his family. 

“I miss you terribly.” Kyle brushed away another tear and allowed himself a deeper breath. “Dan will never replace you, but I am so chuffed I found him. I was so lonely. Maybe you know that. Anyways, I wanted to let you know, I’m going to be fine now. Don’t worry about me. I love you. Goodnight.” 

Kyle reached out his arm and propped the photo against the base of the lamp on the night table. 

Kyle settled back into the bed, holding the pillow close to his chest. 

It would be the first night he slept without the effects of the drug helping him. He kept the light on and felt better knowing that his family was watching him. 

Kyle imagined Dan’s smell and smiled as he closed his eyes. 

He was going to make it through this. He was sure of it.


	15. Day Fourteen

For the past few days, Kyle and Dan had been on their best behaviour. 

The morning of day ten, Dan knocked on Kyle’s door with a sheepish smile and his hands behind his back. 

Kyle gave him a proper smile back and asked him what he was hiding. He was trying not to stare too much at Dan’s wild hair and crystal blue eyes as Dan revealed the pillow from behind his back. But then again he was seventeen-years-old and who could blame him? Dan was gorgeous and his to love. 

Dan’s eyes went to their feet as he offered out a pillow to Kyle. He told Kyle that he slept all night with it close to him and he wanted to switch. His pillow for Kyle’s pillow. And that they could continue to switch until Kyle left. 

Kyle felt that tingly spark move through his body and he fell even more in love with the bashful boy in front of him. 

Quickly taking the pillow and running to his bed and back for the exchange, Kyle smiled handing it over. 

Dan’s eyes found Kyle’s as he hugged the pillow close to him and then he disappeared toward his room. Likely to avoid anyone seeing them be so ridiculous with each other. 

Kyle shared about his family during the first group and then continued the discussion through his individual session. Lew praised him for being so open and trusting of the group. And for Kyle to trust himself enough to share during his individual session. Kyle wasn't sure why, but he liked the praise. 

Kyle reluctantly broke away from the kiss with Dan at 21:29 and ran to his room. Hugging Dan’s pillow tight to sleep helped to ease the ache a bit. It smelled like Dan and he imagined it was Dan in his bed helping him fall asleep. 

The next few days after that went the same. 

Kissing in the music room. At times actually playing music. 

Groups were spent listening and commenting on each other. The new members of the group helped pass the time because they loved talking about themselves. 

Frank was released and Kyle just knew that he was off to track down Will and make them have babies together. 

Johnny reminded Dan and Kyle each morning of how much he “hated” them because they were so cute together. 

For being in a treatment facility, it was a good time. 

Until day thirteen hit. 

Literally hit him in the chest as he made his way to the music room following the second group. He wouldn’t be here at the same time the next day.

Kyle’s foster parents were picking him up right before dinner. 

Kyle had been fine throughout the day as it was like any other day. 

Tomorrow would be different. 

Kyle hated this place when he was dropped off and now he wasn’t sure if he would be able to leave. 

“You alright?” Dan’s smile dropped as they walked into the music room and likely saw Kyle’s despondent face. 

Dan used his right hand and pulled him in close to him. Dan could do that now. Dan explained that the right arm healed quicker because it didn’t have as much damage to it. He could put a bit of force on it without it hurting too much. 

Which he demonstrated earlier that morning when he traced a heart on Kyle’s cheek with his finger and then moved his hand down Kyle’s throat to his arm. His finger followed Kyle’s arm down until he was able to take Kyle’s hand. Dan gripped it with an even pressure and moved it up to his mouth to kiss. Dan’s eyes stayed on him as he squeezed Kyle’s hand and pressed his lips to the back of Kyle’s hand. 

Kyle felt himself blush under the adoring attention Dan was giving him. Dan made it worse by whispering he loved him and that he had been waiting ages to hold his hand again. 

They had been regularly pressing against one another to get off, but Dan holding his hand and kissing it felt like the most intimate action they had had together. 

Kyle whispered it back and pulled Dan in close to him, not allowing their hands to drop from one another. 

They held each other against the door until it was time for Dan’s individual session. 

Kyle stayed in the music room and played songs until it was his turn. 

Dinner was shared with Johnny and one of the new girls named Jennifer. Ironically, not Jen. 

Second group focused on getting Ben to sit still long enough to share and then it went to Jennifer. 

Now, in the music room where Kyle first got to know Dan and hear him speak, Kyle felt like his world was falling in on him. 

“I don’t want to go.” Kyle pressed his forehead against Dan’s as he pressed Dan further against the door. 

The door that protected their secret. 

That heard their whispering to one another. 

And the sounds of pleasure from one another. 

He wouldn’t be here this time tomorrow to be this close to Dan. 

Dan would be alone in the room. 

For more days then Kyle could stomach. 

“Come with me.” Kyle pleaded as he moved his hand lower on Dan’s back and felt Dan’s right hand to the same on him. Kyle only was just able to feel Dan holding him close, he couldn’t leave without him. He knew it was mad, but he needed Dan with him. “I don’t want to go without you.” 

“It will only be a few days. Let’s sort it now.” Dan’s hand moved in small circles on Kyle’s lower back as he kept his forehead and eyes on Kyle’s. “We will meet in central London. Pick a spot off the Tube. And a time.” 

“You can sneak into the boot of the vehicle. My foster parents are dense. They will not notice.” Kyle pressed the tips of his fingers into Dan’s back as he tried to make his case. “Please.” 

“My auntie would have my head and I’m sure they could use it against you.” Dan shook his head against Kyle’s head and moved his hand up to hold onto the back of Kyle’s neck. Moving Kyle’s head back so they could properly look at one another. “We take no chances with this. I need to stay my extra days and then we meet. Central London.” 

“Six days after tomorrow you leave. The day after that.” Kyle nodded his head as his brain processed everything. He especially liked Dan’s hand holding the back of his head. Grounding him to the moment and assuring him that they were okay. “Trafalgar Square. By the fountain. At 10:30.”

“Right after first group?” Dan giggled and gave Kyle a quick kiss. “I will be there.” 

“What if-” Kyle felt the panic rise in his chest. There were so many what ifs that could happen between now and then. Dan might have to stay longer. Kyle might get himself into trouble and go back to custody. Dan could...Kyle did not want to finish that thought because it was unbearable. 

“No.” Dan kissed him again and this time kept his lips on Kyle’s. Dan’s hand moved up into Kyle’s hair and Kyle felt himself melt into Dan. 

Their tongues met and nothing else mattered. 

At least until it was lights out and Kyle needed to go to his room. 

They had exchanged pillows again that morning and Kyle was looking forward to hugging it close for the last night. Dan's scent was calming. 

They had plans to switch tops tomorrow. Kyle would give Dan the shirt he slept in and Dan would do the same. 

Kyle found it harder to sleep knowing that he would not be in the same place as Dan the next night. 

Even with the pillow held close to his chest and the knowledge that he would have Dan’s top to leave with tomorrow, sleep did not find him. 

Kyle half wanted to leave his room and beg Kathy to let him stay with Dan for the night. 

They could stay in the music room. She could be with them the whole time. 

Kyle needed to be near Dan. 

Kyle had his hand on the door when he realized how insane his idea sounded in his head. Let alone out loud as he asked Kathy to break all the rules for him. 

For the first time in a few nights, Kyle wished he had the powder to help him sleep. 

His sister’s rabbit was returned to him after a thorough wash and there was nothing left of the hallucinogenics that allowed him to lose his mind enough to pass out. 

Kyle paced the floor in front of his door for a few minutes and then went back to his bed. 

Tracing the heart pattern on his cheek that Dan had permanently made on his skin with his gentle touch, Kyle willed himself to relax enough to sleep. 

After what felt like forever, Kyle drifted off into a restless sleep. 

Dan arrived earlier the next morning with his shirt offering. Kyle felt knackered and irritable. Taking the folded top and putting it near the bottom of his bag for safe keeping, right near the book that held the photo of his family, helped a bit. And the smile Dan gave him as he took Kyle's top and hugged it close to his chest. 

Johnny tried to make breakfast and their first group go well for Kyle, but then he must have realized that Kyle was going to be a grump no matter how much he tried to make him laugh. During lunch, Johnny stayed quiet and allowed Kyle to move the food around on his plate without comment. 

Dan went quiet as well. Both of their feet held on tight to one another under the table. And because Johnny sat next to them and blocked the view, Kyle took Dan’s right hand and held it on the table as well. 

Dan plastered himself to Kyle once they were both back in the music room after their individual sessions. 

It was merely a hour now and both of them were feeling it. 

“I will miss you.” Kyle kissed the top of Dan’s head, holding down his hair with one hand and holding on tight to his back with the other. “Do well and don’t try to kill yourself.” 

“I won’t. Promise.” Dan kissed Kyle’s throat and moved his hand underneath the back of Kyle’s shirt. His hand stayed there and it felt warm against Kyle’s skin. “You make me not want to do that. I want to have our future together. I never knew to want that before.” 

“Same.” Kyle felt the tears in his eyes and he wanted to push them away but he also had learned here that regressed emotions only eat away at you. “I want our future so much. We will have a place to ourselves and I can cuddle you anytime I want. And we will sleep in the same bed. Go to the same uni. We will be so fucking sick of each other. It will be amazing.” 

“I could never be sick of you.” Dan smiled into Kyle’s throat and Kyle had to giggle at that. 

“You say that now, wait until I attach myself to you and won’t let go.” Kyle had to laugh more at his own words because he was literally doing that right now. “More than this. I will follow you everywhere.” 

“A bit needy, but I don’t mind. I want you attached to me.” Dan moved back his head and waited for Kyle to look at him before he continued. “We might only have to pay one tuition if we stay attached. Think they will notice we are two people?” 

“I love you.” Kyle ignored Dan’s silly question because this was important. “Say you love me.” 

“You love me.” Dan grinned at Kyle and Kyle felt that warmth spread around him, replacing some of the ill feeling that was taking him over. “Sorry. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love-” 

Kyle shut him up with a kiss because he wanted to and because Dan was being obnoxious. 

Kyle stepped in closer and pushed Dan against the door. Dan opened his mouth more and Kyle deepened their kiss. He wanted Dan to know how much he loved him. How much Dan changed him and allowed him to grow. How much Dan’s love meant to him. 

But there were not enough words in the English language to say everything that Kyle wished to say. Some things could only be felt and Kyle wanted to make sure Dan felt them. 

Feeling the wetness behind his closed eyes, Kyle tried to keep kissing him but he couldn’t. Letting out a sob, he buried his head in Dan’s neck and wrapped his arms tighter around him. 

Dan used his right arm to hold him back and kiss the back of his head. Kyle was crying hard but it sounded like Dan was talking to him. 

After a few minutes, Kyle calmed down enough to hear that Dan was slowly singing to him. 

Kyle’s foster parents asked him if he learned anything during his treatment as they drove him to their house. 

Kyle nodded his head but he was not ready to talk. 

At least not without starting to cry again. 

Thankfully, his foster parents dropped the topic and the rest of the ride was in silence. 

Kyle bit at his lip and told himself to keep it together. 

Seven more days and he would see Dan again. 

Only seven more days.


	16. The Beginning

Seven days felt like forever. Literally forever. 

He failed to sleep on his first night back in his bed. He wanted to use Dan’s shirt and bury his head into the scent, but he also wanted to keep it smelling like Dan. 

After a few deep inhales, Kyle put the shirt into a sealed plastic bag and put it underneath his pillow for safe keeping. 

Kyle imagined Dan sleeping in his bed at the treatment facility and he wished that at least Dan be able to sleep if Kyle could not. 

He was irritable the next morning and decided to go for a run. He needed to get out the irritable energy and maybe exhaust himself enough to sleep. 

He pushed himself hard and was breathing hard when he finished the long run. Quickly showering, Kyle took just enough time to squeeze himself while thinking about Dan to come leaning against the shower wall. He was young, but that was embarrassingly quick. 

Rushing to his bed, Kyle opened the bag and put his face into the cloth. Kyle had a flashback to using the rabbit, but this was safer.

The scent of Dan made him lose his mind in a different way. It calmed him and gave him hope that he would see him again. 

Kyle was used to saying good-bye now and he didn’t ever want to have to say good-bye to Dan. 

Whatever combination of being exhausted, running, coming in the shower, and taking in the scent of Dan worked and Kyle crashed hard. 

That night, during dinner, his foster parents asked him if he was alright and Kyle actually answered them. 

Before Kyle knew what he was doing, he was telling them about his time there and the people he met. He didn’t say Dan’s name, but the smile on his face must have alerted them that Kyle had met someone special. 

His foster father, Richard, told him that if this person lived near them, they could come and visit anytime they wanted. 

Kyle blushed and buried his head in his hands. His foster mother, Sophie, thought he was upset and asked him what was the matter. 

After a few seconds, Kyle raised his head and told them that Dan lived somewhere in London and that Kyle would very much like to have Dan over as often as he could. 

Both Richard and Sophie gave him a smile and said they looked forward to meeting the person that appeared to make Kyle so happy. 

After that small exchange, Kyle found his relationship with his foster parents changed for the better. 

Maybe it was Kyle that had put up the barriers in their relationship with him. Lew and Kyle had discussed how it seems safer to keep people away rather than open up and potentially be hurt by them. But that only makes people feel more alone. 

Fucking Lew and his doctorate degree. Maybe Lew did know something. 

Kyle’s foster brother, Richard and Sophie’s biological son, was older and worked at an office building. Coop asked if Kyle wanted to make some spare money and help him out with filing papers. 

Kyle, feeling like an actual person again, jumped at the idea and he was already spending the money in his head before he started the job. 

The next few days blended into each other. 

Kyle would be reminded throughout the day of the time and where Dan was likely at in the treatment facility. 

Kyle shared pleasantries during breakfast with his foster family and then went to work with Coop. 

At night, he smelled Dan’s shirt and pictured him in bed with him. Hugging his pillow tight, he spoke to Dan and told him the number of days before they would meet again. 

On the morning of the day, Kyle felt himself shaking. 

He put on Dan’s shirt and then put on a brightly coloured hoody. It had both purples, blues, and black on it. 

October had been chilly and November was proving to be much of the same. 

Kyle couldn’t eat breakfast and his foster parents smiled at his nervous energy. Before he left, they both told him to be safe. 

Kyle had the route to Trafalgar Square mapped out in his head. It would take him almost thirty minutes to get there and he left at 9:20 because he did not want to be late. 

He didn’t want Dan to think he was not coming and leave if he was not there at actually 10:30. 

The Tube was like any other time he was on it, but today felt different. More important. 

Looking around the square, Kyle found there were small groups of people spread out. Most looked to be tourists with cameras, all from various parts of the world. 

That was what Kyle loved about London. It was a melting pot of ideas and cultures. 

Kyle could romanticize the city all day but he was on a mission. Kyle knew he was early, but he hoped Dan would be as well. 

He ignored that stupid voice in his head that said Dan was not coming. He did not have time for that negative energy. 

Walking closer to the large fountain, Kyle saw a bright purple hoody and his heart started beating faster. 

He was already shaky and on edge, but now his heart was beating out of his chest and he started jogging toward the colour. 

As he got closer, he knew it was Dan. He was sitting on the fountain's edge and did not appear to see Kyle.

His head was down but he had his hood off and that wonderful hair was on full display. 

He must have seen the rush of colour coming toward him because he raised his head and smiled before standing up and coming toward Kyle. 

Right before their bodies crashed into one another, Kyle had the thought that Dan was the most beautiful sight he had ever seen. Then he had Dan’s arms wrapped around his back and his soft breaths on his neck. 

Fuck, his heart was going to explode at this rate. 

They held each other for hours, or at least it seemed like it. 

Kyle wondered if Dan holding onto him as tight as he was was hurting his arms. Especially his left one. Dan had shown him the damage before he left and Dan had made a mess of his arm that night. 

“Am I hurting you?” Kyle forced himself to move his head back after taking in a deep breath of Dan. Dan’s face seemed confused for a second and then he shook his head. 

“No. It is better. I haven’t...you know.” Dan’s face broke out into a smile and the whole world fell away around them. It was only Dan and Kyle in this world. “I missed you. I kept thinking you were not going to come or that I was going to be late. That we wouldn’t find one another and that would be the end.” 

“I thought maybe I would be late so I left early. There was a voice in my head saying that you might not even come as well.” Kyle’s eyes scanned Dan’s face and he wondered if they could kiss here. If Dan wouldn’t be too embarrassed to kiss him in public. “My heart is beating like mad. I missed you so much. I’m never letting you go.” 

“Well good.” Dan’s smile grew larger somehow and his cheeks went pinker. It could have been the slight increase in the cold wind around them, but Kyle took it as Dan liking what he said. “What do you want to do?” 

“Kiss you.” Kyle blurted out. Dan likely meant what did Kyle want to do with their day but that was the first thing that came to his mind. That was the only thing that was on his mind. 

Before Kyle could explain himself, Dan’s lips were on his and time literally stopped. 

Kyle let out a small breath and followed him into the kiss. Kyle could cry it was so nice to have Dan’s mouth on his again. 

Kyle’s hands moved underneath Dan’s hoody and he felt Dan shiver. Likely due to the cold but it brought Kyle back to the present and the fact that they were very much in public. 

Kyle and Dan necking in the background of countless family photos shown to loved ones of their travels. The thought made Kyle smile to himself. 

“Can we go somewhere?” Kyle broke the kiss but stayed close to Dan’s face. “I have money, we can get a hotel room or something. Not, like that. Just some place to be near one another and not be in a million tourist photos.” 

Dan nodded his head and paused. In Kyle’s head, Dan was going to deny him but then he said the opposite. 

“We can go to my auntie’s flat. It is near here. A short walk.” Dan seemed reluctant to share that information and Kyle wanted to ask Dan how much money his auntie had to leave near central London. “She is not home. Neither is my sister.” 

“You have a sister?” Kyle wondered if Dan had ever mentioned her before to him. “Did I know that?” 

“I don’t believe so.” Dan’s eyes went down but he stayed attached to Kyle. “She wasn’t in the car. She loves me, I know that, but...she doesn’t understand. She blamed me forever. I love her. I do. But...I don’t know how to explain it.” 

“I think I understand.” Kyle had other family members be weird with him about the accident and he wondered if it was similar. No one blamed him for the accident, but they seemed suspicious that Kyle was the one to survive it. As bizarre as that sounded. 

“Anyways, I have a sister and she is away at uni. My auntie is at work and won’t return until late tonight.” Dan’s eyes came back up and Kyle swallowed at the sight. Fuck, he was so gorgeous and Kyle had missed him so much. “Do you have to be back soon?” 

Kyle shook his head. “My foster parents know I’m meeting you. They told me to take my time. Ring if I am going to be later than dinner time.” 

“Your foster parents know about me?” Dan grinned and Kyle felt his heart swell again. “Like, all about me?” 

“They know I love you. That you are my boyfriend.” Kyle nodded his head like an idiot and felt his face start to hurt from smiling. “They are chuffed that I found someone that makes me smile. And talk to them. I never gave them a chance before, turns out they are pretty decent. I was the prat.” 

“Never.” Dan said in a singsong tone and Kyle wanted to kiss him again. 

“Can we go to yours now?” Kyle heard his voice go lower and felt Dan’s body respond to it. Dan gripped onto Kyle’s back tighter and they turned so they were heading in the likely direction of his home. 

Kyle kept an arm around Dan’s back and Dan did the same. 

On the way there, Kyle kept looking at Dan to make sure this was his life. 

Each time, Dan smiled back at him and Kyle felt peace. 

And intense want. 

A very interesting combination.


	17. Pillow Talk

Dan gave him a mini tour of the flat. It was two levels, with Dan’s room on the second level. Dan’s auntie must have a good career because the place was impressive. 

Which Kyle would have paid more attention to if Dan was not asking him if he wanted to see his room. 

Kyle followed Dan up the stairs with their hands held together, despite the awkward angle. Kyle really hoped he wasn’t hurting Dan’s arm by holding onto his hand from below. 

“I keep thinking that Kathy or Lew are going to pop up and reflect our points.” Dan’s voice seemed uneven as he led Kyle down the hallway to his room. “Kathy told me to tell you that she hopes you are doing well.” 

“Kathy really fancies you.” Kyle teased back. He was glad that Dan had someone to connect with at the facility but he wasn’t thinking about them now. Now he could feel his heart beating wildly and he wondered how far they would go without the threat of someone interrupting them. “Not as much as me, but still.” 

“Stop.” Dan giggled and stopped in front of a closed door. The giggle faded as Dan turned to face Kyle straight on. “This is mine. I haven’t...I mean...no one...I don’t, like, people don’t go in my room.” 

“Good thing I am person and not people.” Kyle tried to ease some of Dan’s nerves with a joke from what felt like forever ago now. In reality, he was trying to ease some of his nerves as well. Kyle had never been in someone’s bedroom before. Especially not like this. “We don’t have to...I want to just be with you. Hold you and cuddle you. Whatever we want without anyone’s eyes on us.” 

Dan nodded his head and turned the knob to the door. It was not as impressive as the flat. It had light blue walls and a large bed. There appeared to be a closed wardrobe and a keyboard set on a stand. 

Kyle’s eyes immediately went to the bed and then back to Dan. Would it be too forward to suggest that they could lie on it? Together? 

They had plenty of practice pressing against one another with a door behind them, but it might be nice to have a soft bed. 

Dan interrupted Kyle’s racing thoughts by pushing off his shoes with his opposite feet and then sitting at the end of the bed. 

Kyle kicked off his shoes as well and then stood with his eyes on Dan. 

Dan in his constant hoody. Dan with his wild hair and bright eyes. Eyes that were emphasized by the dark frames perfectly. Dan was worrying on his bottom lip and Kyle felt himself swoon a bit. 

“It is warm in here.” Dan broke the tension in the room and slowly removed his arms from the sleeves. Then he moved it over his hand and used his left hand to run through his hair. The hair went right back to where it was as Dan tossed the hoody to the floor. 

Underneath the hoody, Dan was wearing Kyle’s shirt. 

And the bandages were removed from both arms. 

There was a raised, red scar moving up Dan’s left arm and a faint one on Dan’s right. Both had old marks from before. Kyle knew they were there but it still threw him off when he saw them. 

Dan’s eyes moved from Kyle to his left arm. He must have seen the look on Kyle’s face. “It barely hurts anymore. Smarts every now and then. A reminder of how stupid I was and how much I could have missed out on. Doctors say that it will continue to heal but that I will have the scar there. I will have to get used to the looks.” 

“I didn’t mean to…” Kyle let the sentence fall into the space between them. He didn’t know what he wanted to say. Shifting on his feet, he decided to take his own hoody off as well. “I wore it. I have been keeping it under my pillow. In a bag. It still smells like you.” 

Kyle tossed his hoody toward Dan’s on the floor and walked in closer. He stopped as he reached Dan’s knees. Looking down, he ran his hand through Dan’s hair and smiled as Dan looked up at him. 

“Want to lie on the bed with me?” Dan asked innocently but it made Kyle’s mind go in all sorts of directions. 

For the past week, actually since he first kissed Dan, he had wanted to lie with him on a bed. 

Kyle didn’t answer but walked around so he could sit on the edge and then moved himself so he laid lengthwise on the bed. He watched as Dan did the same and moved himself closer to the center. Closer to Kyle. 

Kyle turned on his side and mirrored Dan in front of him. 

“Hi.” Dan grinned but his voice was shaking. Kyle rested his hand on Dan’s upper arm and found he was shaking as well. 

“You are shaking?” Kyle said softly as he moved his hand up and down Dan’s upper arm, over the fabric of Kyle’s shirt. “Is this alright?” 

“Yes.” Dan nodded his head and moved his left hand up to cup Kyle’s chin. His hand was shaking but he didn’t seem to want to move away. “I have wanted this for a very long time. I don’t know what to do with it. You being in my bed. Like, I want to attack you and be all sexy. But, I’m not like that. And I also want to hold you and feel you against me, but maybe you want something different? How do people know? Like, what to do? What the other person wants? It always seems so simple in films.” 

“Not to bring Lew into this, but he told me that honesty and communication are imperative to healthy relationships.” Kyle moved in closer and kissed Dan’s inner wrist, right where the raised scar started. He wanted to let Dan know he was not freaked out by it. 

“Damn Lew.” Dan seemed to be watching Kyle kiss his wrist. After letting out a soft sound in reply, Dan moved his leg in closer to Kyle’s. He waited a few seconds for Kyle’s face to move back. “I have more. Scars. On my stomach. I made them and they are not as ordered as the ones on my arm. I cut my stomach when I’m upset. My arms, I cut neatly when I want control. My thighs as well. I have many of them on my body.” 

“I will kiss every one of them better.” Kyle said before he thought it through. He didn’t want to seem insensitive to them but he was trying to let Dan know that he was okay with them. “I mean, they are a part of you and I want all of you. I will kiss every one of them if you allow me.” 

Dan smiled at him and leaned in to kiss him. He moved his hand from Kyle’s chin to the back of his head and found the hair on the back of his head. Kyle mimicked him and took hold of Dan’s hair as he moved in closer yet. 

Dan’s chest was against his now and they were sharing breath. Kyle’s heart was beating wildly again and he felt like his whole body might explode.

He wanted the same thing that Dan did. To attack and be sexy but also to go slow and savour every moment of it. 

Kyle pressed back on Dan so that he laid on his back and he followed him toward the middle of the bed. Moving his leg over, he rested it between Dan’s and laid mostly on top of him. 

Dan in turn gripped Kyle’s hair tighter and moaned into the kiss. Kyle felt himself responding and he knew that Dan would feel it soon as well. 

Moving his hand down Dan’s front, he found the end of his shirt and moved his hand underneath it. Kyle’s hand rested on Dan’s stomach and he felt a few raised scars. Moving his hand up higher, he slowly moved it down as Dan deepened the kiss even more. 

Dan’s hand was underneath the back of Kyle’s shirt and making similar movements. Dan’s hand seeking as much skin as the angle allowed. Dan was brushing against the surgical scars near Kyle’s spine. Kyle had already explained them to Dan, but Dan had never really touched them before. 

It felt extremely intimate. Like Kyle’s hand touching Dan’s scars. Or Kyle kissing Dan’s arms. 

“Kyle.” Dan said his name and Kyle instantly paused. Kyle’s hips were pressing against Dan’s upper thigh and there was no mistaking how Kyle was feeling about the movement. 

They had done that a handful of times. Moved against one another. 

But that had been with the fear that they would be caught. 

Now, there was no one there to interrupt them. 

Kyle wondered if he could touch Dan. Properly touch him. 

Or, fuck, Dan could touch him. 

“Kyle?” Dan said his name again and it snapped Kyle out of his thoughts. 

Looking down, he found Dan with red, wet lips and his skin a lovely shade of pink. He was breathing deep and he seemed as lost as Kyle felt. 

“Is this alright? Should we slow down? Stop?” Kyle had never done anything like this on a bed before. Where was the line? He was not ready to go all the way with Dan but he was willing to do many things with him. “Should I move off you?” 

“No.” Dan shook his head and dug his fingers in more to Kyle’s back. Dan’s arm was healing but that had to hurt to put that much pressure on him. “I wanted to check in. Communication and all. I have never...you know this. Maybe we should talk about it?” 

“Okay.” Kyle nodded his hand and moved his hand down from Dan’s chest to rest on his stomach. Dan was breathing fast enough that it made his stomach move up and down with his breaths. Kyle liked that he made Dan breathe like that. 

Kyle knew that he was breathing heavier as well and that Dan could feel it with his hand on his back. 

“Can I touch you?” Dan’s eyes went to Kyle’s waist and that made him grow harder yet. Which he thought was impossible because it already hurt, pressing against the zip of his jeans. 

Kyle let out a sound and nodded his head. In his mind, he had an elegant response but he couldn’t speak the words out loud. 

Dan moved his right hand from Kyle’s side to the front of his jeans and paused at the button. Kyle’s eyes went to Dan’s hand and saw he was shaking. He wanted to help but the damn words were not going to his mouth. 

After a few tries, Dan unbuttoned him and moved the zip down. 

Dan’s fingers moved against the skin on his stomach and then moved underneath his pants. 

Kyle was sure that he made an embarrassing sound as he closed his eyes and pressed his head into Dan’s chest. 

Kyle wasn’t ashamed to admit he had touched himself countless times, but Dan’s hand on him was everything. 

Dan’s fingers moved around him and Kyle panted into Dan’s chest. He wondered if he would ever be able to speak again or if Dan’s touch would forever make him mute. 

Letting out another sound that he barely could hear, Kyle released into Dan’s hand and pressed his head harder against Dan’s chest as he felt wave after wave of wonderfulness. 

After he recovered, Kyle moved his head up and silently asked Dan if he could return the favour. Dan nodded his head and Kyle moved up further on the bed. 

Dan’s jeans were unbuttoned and zipped in recorded time. Kyle ignored his own shaking hand as he moved underneath Dan’s pants and gripped the soft skin he felt there. 

It was Dan’s turn to make sounds and his left arm rested out on the bed as Kyle moved his hand up and down his length. 

Kyle’s eyes found the scar but he pushed away the thought of Dan hurting himself and focused on the sounds he was hearing from him. 

Dan’s voice was beautiful and Kyle wanted to hear more. 

Dan came as quickly as Kyle had and Kyle kissed Dan’s throat as they allowed themselves to calm down. 

“Was that alright?” Kyle asked after a long rest with his eyes closed and his head pressed into Dan’s neck. “Did I do it right?” 

“I loved it.” Dan was still breathing shallow but he wasn’t shaking anymore. “Was I? You seemed like you liked it.” 

Kyle raised his head and smiled. “Loved it. Love you.” 

Dan smiled in return and Kyle knew that this was the beginning of the most wonderful life he could imagine for himself. 

Dan found some tissue to clean themselves up with and they both turned away from each other as they zipped themselves up. 

Lying back on the bed, Kyle reached for Dan and pulled him in so they rested against one another. Almost nose to nose as they lied facing one another. 

Dan’s hand resting on Kyle’s side and Kyle’s hand resting on Dan’s side. 

The urgency was gone and Kyle felt the peace rush over him. 

“I love you.” Dan grinned at him and Kyle felt it down to his toes and straight back to his heart. 

“I love you.” Kyle grinned back. He knew now that Dan felt the same with the words. He had told him so, so Kyle knew he felt it. If not, Dan’s eyes brightening in front of him would have given it away. “Can we stay here forever? I don’t want to stop looking at you.” 

“We will get hungry soon. We could go eat somewhere.” Dan said without any hint that he was going to move anytime soon. Dan’s foot ran up Kyle’s ankle and then back down. “Or order something in? Have it delivered to our bed.” 

“Our bed?” Kyle kissed Dan’s mouth and then moved back. “Let’s go through our plan again. I want to go outside the city for uni, but live here when we are finished. A small place of our own.” 

“A large bed for us and the dog.” Dan dreamed along with him. “We will go to the markets during Christmas and decorate our home. We will spoil the dog with love and gifts.” 

“And each other.” Kyle moved in closer because Dan felt too far away. “We will have our Christmas tree lit with bright lights and popcorn strings.” 

“That will only tempt the dog to eat the tree.” Dan giggled and moved his hand down Kyle’s side. “I am not tidying up that mess.” 

“I will train the dog to not like popcorn.” Kyle giggled with him and felt his heart attach to Dan’s more. “Anyway, it is not like the dog will need for anything with the way you keep spoiling it.” 

“I spoil the dog now?” Dan’s voice raised a bit. “You are the one sneaking it treats! And giving her a popcorn tree to eat.” 

“I cannot wait.” Kyle broke the playful teasing and felt the moment turn more serious. “Promise me we will have this life.” 

“I promise.” Dan kissed his cheek and then his nose before kissing his mouth. 

Dan’s foot moved up Kyle’s ankle again and Kyle moved his hand underneath the back of Dan’s shirt. Kyle wanted to feel skin but not take it anywhere.


	18. The Shining

Kyle’s stomach made a loud noise and Dan started laughing at him. Which normally was fine; Kyle loved to hear Dan laugh. But, not during a heavy makeout session where both of them were trying out new ways to make the other grip the other harder. 

Right as Kyle swirled his tongue against Dan’s, Dan’s right hand gripped his shirt harder and then Dan was laughing against his face. 

“Hungry?” Dan said between deep belly laughs. The kind that made Kyle get over himself and start laughing with him. 

Kyle untangled his legs from Dan and moved so he was leaning on his elbow. Holding his stomach, Kyle nodded his head. “I have money. We could go somewhere.” 

Dan seemed to be thinking through Kyle’s proposal while he kept his foot moving up and down Kyle’s ankle. Dan brushed his hair off his forehead and straightened his glasses. “Or, we could order in and watch a film? I want you all to myself.” 

“If we go out in public, you have to share me?” Kyle smirked at him and tried not to watch Dan’s arm but he wasn’t used to seeing so much of Dan’s skin. The hoody was still on the floor near Kyle’s discarded hoody. Kyle moved his eyes back to Dan’s face and found that was the much better sight. Dan’s lips looked used and wonderful.“Do I have a say in this? Or am I just up for the offering?” 

“I mean, I want to cuddle you through the film and we cannot do that in a cinema.” Dan leaned up on his elbow and kissed Kyle’s nose. “And no, I’m not sharing you. But you do have a say.” 

“Good.” Kyle returned the kiss on Dan’s nose and smiled at him. He really could look at him all day but his stomach chose that lovely moment to make another loud noise. “What do you want to eat?” 

“Most places will deliver here. We can have whatever you want.” Dan straightened his glasses again and smiled at Kyle with his red lips. 

Kyle could see himself reflected in Dan’s glasses and he found he was just as kiss bitten as Dan. However, Kyle looked like he was completely infatuated with Dan’s face, which he was, but he started to feel like he was looking too intense. 

“I pick the food and you pick the film?” Kyle found the will to take his eyes away and kept the momentum as he moved out of the bed. Holding out his hand, he didn’t need to wait long for Dan to take it. “I want pizza with cheese only.” 

Dan stood and bumped into Kyle as he found his footing with Kyle being so close to him and the bed. Kyle felt him squeeze his hand and Kyle squeezed it back. “I like horror films. Be aware.” 

“Perfect.” Kyle moved his other hand behind Dan’s back and pulled him in ever closer. “If I get scared, I can scream and cuddle into you. You will protect me from the bad guys, right?” 

Dan nodded his head slowly and then gave Kyle another soft kiss. At this rate, they were not going to have time to do much of anything before Kyle would have to go back to his foster parents’ house. 

Kyle’s stomach made another loud noise and Dan laughed as he moved them out of the room. Dan’s hand stayed in Kyle’s as they made their way down the stairs. “We can eat in the film room. Don’t judge me, but my auntie has a lot of money.” 

“No judgment.” Kyle followed behind him and grinned the whole way to the film room. 

Lined on the three walls were every DVD Kyle could possibly imagine. Literally, rows and rows of films. The fourth wall was a large screen that was positioned in front of a long sofa and a few oversized chairs. 

Dan ordered the pizza with a phone in the room while Kyle looked through the titles. It was Dan’s choice for the film, but Kyle was curious about the options. 

There was a large section of horror films and Kyle had to grin because they were not alphabetized like the others. 

Dan wrapped his arms around Kyle’s stomach from behind and rested his chin on Kyle’s shoulder. Kyle naturally raised his hand and held Dan’s arm in place. Kyle did not put much pressure on it and Dan did not seem to be in pain so he kept it there. 

“They are ranked in order of importance.” Dan answered the question Kyle had in his mind and Kyle wondered if Dan could read his mind now. Maybe spending this much time attached to one another gave them that ability. “I analyze them about once every six months and see if their rankings hold up.”

“Interesting.” Kyle leaned his weight back and turned his head toward Dan. “Are we watching the number one finisher? Or do you have other plans?” 

“My plan is to scare you into sitting on my lap.” Dan grinned and kissed Kyle’s cheek. “When we can hold each other through the scary parts.” 

“Sounds perfect.” Kyle gently moved Dan’s arm out and then turned so they faced one another. “I am having the best day.” 

“Good.” Dan nodded his head and moved his hand down so it could take Kyle’s in his own. “I like you being here. I’m normally here alone. My auntie, she works long hours. Sometimes it is only me here for days.” 

“That sounds incredibly lonely.” Kyle moved his hands up to Dan’s face and held his face. “Good thing you met me. Good luck getting me to leave. If I didn’t have a curfew set by the court, I would stay here all night.” 

“Will they really know?” Dan’s eyes looked down to their feet but with Kyle’s hands holding his face, he couldn’t move it much. “Did I miss one of those flashing light things on you?” 

“I don’t have an ankle monitor. You have literally been playing with my ankles all day. I think you would have noticed.” Kyle smiled at Dan as his eyes came back to him. Dan was smiling as well but it seemed sadder than any one Dan had given him today. “My foster parents monitor my behaviour and report to the court. And I have a caseworker that does random drop ins after curfew.” 

“I really want you to stay here. My auntie, she is not going to be back until sometime this weekend.” The sadness of Dan’s face increased and Kyle wanted to kiss it away. “This place is amazing but not if there is no one to share it with.” 

“You could come to mine? I mean, my foster parents’.” Kyle loved his brain because he had amazing ideas. “You could meet them and they could know you are real. And how good you are for me.” 

“I’m not good with new people.” Dan shook his head and Kyle moved his hands so they were resting against the back of Dan’s neck. “I would be nervous and say something stupid. They would hate me and ban you from being with me. I cannot take that risk.” 

“Wow, worst case scenario in under a minute. Impressive.” Kyle tried to keep the mood light, but Dan was not following along. “Do you have a computer?” 

“Look around this place, I have everything.” Dan said without a hint that he was bragging about it. 

“I have an old one that my foster care worker gave me. We can Skype each other when we are at home. Bring the computer in here and I can watch films with you.” Kyle gave Dan a larger smile because Dan appeared to be cheering up a bit. “You can cuddle the computer and pretend it is me. Almost as hard and boney.” 

“You are a laugh.” Dan joked with him and Kyle jumped as a long sound echoed through the flat. “Pizza is here.” 

Kyle followed Dan because their hands were still attached to one another and because he wanted to stay with Dan. 

Dan didn’t drop his hand as he took the offered pizza and the delivery woman did not comment on how Dan was essentially one handed as he signed and took the food. 

After plating the food and pouring two tall glasses of Ribena, they found they needed to drop hands to walk their food to the mini cinema room. Dan picked the film without appearing to look and set it up to play. 

They ate their pizza near one another and Kyle found his eyes kept going to the boy sat next to him rather than the doomed family on the screen. 

Once again watching Dan take a long drink, Kyle put down his plate and rested his head on Dan’s shoulder. Dan raised his arm with his free hand and then put down his glass. Kyle took that hand in his own and then rested it on Dan’s lap. 

Kyle ignored the film for a few moments because he wanted to take in everything else happening. It really was the best day. 

After a particularly scary scene, Kyle made true on Dan’s wish and moved onto his lap. Only, Kyle sat with his back facing the screen. 

Dan moved his hands to Kyle’s jean covered thighs and slid them up to his waist. That move alone made Kyle start breathing heavier and he felt his heart rate increasing. 

The sound effects were loud and it sounded like a bloodbath behind him, but all that was being ignored. 

Kyle used his hands to grip the bottom of his shirt, or rather Dan’s shirt on him, and he pulled it over his head. Flattening down his hair, he watched as Dan’s eyes moved to his chest and stomach. Tossing the shirt behind him, Kyle moved in closer and squeezed Dan’s hips with his knees. “You can touch me. If you want.” 

Dan kept his eyes on Kyle’s chest and leaned in. Gently kissing right above his nipple, Dan closed his eyes and kept giving his skin light kisses until he met the other side. 

Kyle moved his hands up Dan’s upper arms and held onto his shoulders as Dan’s lips moved against his skin. Kyle wanted Dan’s shirt off as well but he didn’t know how to ask other than pulling at the shoulders. 

Dan finished his last kiss and sat back as he looked up at Kyle. Fuck, he was so beautiful. 

“Help me?” Dan swallowed and asked with a squeaky voice. Clearing his throat, Dan continued. “Be careful of my arms, but can you take it off me?” 

Kyle nodded his head and heard someone screaming behind him. Thankfully, Dan paused the film and Kyle didn’t have to associate Dan’s bare chest with murderous screams. 

Once Dan had the remote out of his hand, Kyle used both his hands to pull off Dan’s shirt. Or Kyle’s shirt on Dan. Kyle wasn’t sure which idea he liked better. 

Dan in his shirt. 

Or Kyle’s shirt being taken off Dan. 

Kyle paid extra special attention to keeping the cloth from touching Dan’s lower arms and then the top was off. 

Kyle knew from his hands that Dan’s cuts did not start until his stomach, but he was surprised to see the small scar near Dan’s collarbone. Using his pointer finger, Kyle traced along the small mark and watched as Dan’s eyes moved to his finger. 

“Surgery scar.” Dan told him, but Kyle had guessed as much. Unlike the other marks on Dan’s front, this mark was even and straight. The others were angry and jagged. “I fell out of a tree and broke it.” 

Kyle leaned his body down and kissed along the line. He wasn’t quite sure what he was doing, but it felt like a good idea so he followed through with it. 

Kyle wondered how Dan would respond if he kept kissing down. Over every scar and to his waist. And then lowered. Kyle shivered at the thought and decided he was getting ahead of himself. 

Dan’s skin tasted sweet as he kissed up Dan’s neck. Finding a darkened spot from sometime earlier that day, Kyle sucked at it and was rewarded by a nice sound from Dan. 

Those sounds were much better than the murderous screams of the paused film behind them. 

Kyle pressed his hips in closer and found Dan was hard as well. 

Sucking harder on the same spot, Kyle pressed his hips down and Dan met him this time. 

The feeling of wanting Dan was swelling up inside him again. 

Kyle heard Dan whisper his name and raise his hips again. 

And then the loud murderous screem blared out from the speakers and increased in volume until Dan found the remote underneath his bum and paused it again. 

Kyle felt his heart racing in his chest as he moved back. Dan was laughing again and Kyle joined him. 

“Least sexiest person ever.” Dan moved his hands off Kyle’s thighs and took off his glasses before he held his face in his hands. Dan was still letting out soft laughter as he hid his face from Kyle. “Damn bum ruined everything.” 

“It is a nice bum.” Kyle felt the laughter fading away. “I felt it earlier. When we were lying in bed. And in the music room. Before. It is a nice bum.” 

Dan leaned his hand covered face against Kyle’s chest and stayed there. 

Kyle kissed the top of Dan’s head and smiled into his wild hair. “And you have touched my bum. I like it when you touch my bum.” 

Kyle laughed as Dan pressed his elbow into Kyle’s ribs and moved back to sit against the sofa back. 

“Come to my foster parents’ house tonight, please?” Kyle decided to go all out and pouted his lip. 

Dan squeezed Kyle’s bum quickly and then nodded his head. 

“Really?” Kyle moved his thighs away from Dan and then moved to stand. He adjusted himself with one hand quickly and ignored the wonderful sight of Dan in front of him. “I need the phone. I will ring them and have them set another plate. Are you sure?” 

Kyle found the phone and turned to get confirmation with the phone in his hand. Dan nodded and that was all Kyle needed. He was ringing them before Dan changed his mind.


	19. Meeting the parents...kinda

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am stress writing.

They made it to the end of the street Kyle lived on and then Dan froze. 

Literally froze in the spot he stood and he went silent. 

His eyes were pleading with Kyle but Kyle had no idea what he was trying to tell him. After staring at him, Dan’s eyes started looking around and not focusing on anything. 

“It’s alright. Talk to me. Please.” Kyle turned so his body blocked everyone’s view of Dan stood on the pavement. There were not many people around, but Kyle wanted to protect him from the little old woman that was walking her dog and the kids practicing dance moves near the other end of the street. “Dan. Look at me.” 

Dan’s eyes found Kyle’s again and Kyle saw that Dan was trying to communicate with him, but he didn’t have the words. Like the times at the treatment facility where Dan would hold his foot but there were no words he could speak. 

Kyle moved in closer and opened his arms, waiting for Dan to either reject him or hug him. 

Dan took a few quick breaths and then buried his head into the collar of Kyle’s hoody. Dan’s arms went behind his back and Kyle put his around Dan’s lower back. Dan had on a backpack with his overnight clothes and items. 

“Honestly, they are not that big of a deal. Richard, my foster dad, he has a boring job with numbers. Sophie, she works as a nurse and has all these stories about her day.” Kyle kissed the side of Dan’s head and decided to treat this as not an issue. Resting his head on top of Dan’s, Kyle continued to talk. “My foster brother, Coop, he works in a boring office and I have been working with him. He thinks he is funny and makes the dumbest jokes, but he tries. I have one other foster sibling but she is out of the house now. I am the last foster kid. That is why Sophie went back to being a nurse. She had stayed home before to keep an eye on us. Guess she needed to keep an extra eye on me, but how could she have known?” 

Kyle moved his face out of Dan’s hair and kissed the side of Dan’s head again. Dan was not talking yet, but his breathing appeared to be relaxing. 

“Richard made dinner. He is not a good cook, but he has his dishes and they are good.” Kyle swayed them a bit but kept the even pressure on Dan’s lower back. “He made pasta tonight. He thinks he is Italian but he was adopted so he is not 100% sure.” 

Kyle was attempting to find something else to talk about when Dan moved his head in closer to Kyle’s neck and kissed it before stepping back. 

His glasses were crooked from being buried in Kyle’s hoody so Kyle straightened them for him. He gave him a soft smile but did not expect one in return. 

It had been a minute since Kyle had to maneuver his way around a silent Dan. 

Dan was pulling on his left sleeve and Kyle wished Dan would talk to him. It would make everything so much simpler, but he knew that Dan struggled with talking. And Kyle loved all of Dan so he would wait on the pavement with Dan for as long as he needed to wait. Kyle would miss curfew, but he was close enough to the house that if his caseworker came round he was right there. 

“I can keep talking or I can be quiet, either way, I am waiting with you here.” Kyle smiled at him again and was surprised when Dan gave him a small smile in return. “I might even start dancing for you. Watch out, you will fall even more in love with me once you see my moves.” 

Kyle did a step turn and Dan gave him a bigger smile once Kyle was facing him again. Kyle saw that Dan was trying to communicate with him, but he wasn’t quite there yet. So he did another step turn and he got a quick giggle from him. 

Okay, Kyle could work with this. The neighbours likely would believe Kyle went mad, but he didn’t love them so it didn’t matter. 

Kyle did a step to the left and then another to the right as he moved his arms in the opposite direction. Kyle made a face he hoped looked like he was trying to be funny and Dan laughed again in response. 

Kyle did another step to the left and then froze himself as Dan raised his hands to his face, pushing up the glasses so his fingers were underneath them, and started crying into his hands. 

“I can’t.” Kyle heard as he found himself again and moved in closer to hug Dan to him again. Kyle took off Dan’s glasses and held them so they couldn’t fall. Then he wrapped his arms tight around him and swayed them some more as Dan repeated the same words over and over. 

“It’s okay.” Kyle kissed Dan’s forehead and rested his head on the soft pillow of Dan’s hair. “Richard’s pasta is not all that good. Don’t tell him I said that.” 

Dan stopped repeating himself at Kyle’s words but stayed quiet after that. He was leaning his weight slightly onto Kyle and had stopped crying, but his hands were still covering his face. 

They stayed right as they were until the street lights came on. A few minutes after that, Kyle heard Richard’s voice behind him. 

“Kyle, we were worried. You haven’t been out past curfew since, well, since before you were arrested.” Richard’s voice was deep and it made Dan tense in Kyle’s arms. 

“Sorry. We got most of the way there. Doesn’t that count?” Kyle saw Richard move in closer and his eyes went to the boy hiding against Kyle. “Richard, this is Dan. He needs a few more minutes.” 

“Hello, Dan.” Richard looked between Kyle and then the back of Dan’s head. “I made pasta. It is my specialty. Everyone loves it.” 

“I told him about the pasta.” Kyle smiled at Richard and tried to communicate with his eyes that Dan was panicking on him. “Dan doesn’t do well with new people. Especially adults.” 

“Oh, that is alright.” Richard nodded his head and pointed back to their flat. “I am going to tell Sophie that you need a minute but everything is alright.” 

Kyle knew Richard was a decent man and he regretted all the grief he had given him over the year he had lived with them. 

“I’m sorry I danced for you.” Kyle waited until Richard was far enough away that he couldn’t hear him. “I will work on my moves before I dance for you again.” 

Dan laughed against Kyle’s hoody and shook his head. Lowering his hands, he gripped onto the sides of the hoody and held on. Kyle tried not to pay attention to the fact that Dan’s left hand was barely gripping him. 

“What if we go to my room? Skip properly meeting them and I will bring us a plate?” Kyle smiled as Dan gave him a slight nod against his shoulder. “Okay. Sorted.” 

Kyle waited for Dan to step back so they could head that way, but Dan did not move. 

“I promise, you don’t have to talk to them. We will go straight to my room and I will hide you there.” Kyle kissed Dan’s head and moved his hands off Dan’s back to take his right hand. “We do need to go that way though.” 

Dan kept his eyes on their feet but he followed him. There was a slight hesitation as Kyle opened the main door to the flat. There were two levels but it was much smaller than Dan’s home. Kyle led Dan to his room upstairs and then closed the door behind them. 

Dan kept his hand in Kyle’s as he looked around the room. Unlike Dan’s room, Kyle had a few more things scattered about. There were not his, not really, but his foster parents decorated it for him before he arrived. 

“Most of it is for show.” Kyle followed Dan’s eyes as he looked through the books on the shelf. “Richard and Sophie picked books they thought a teenage lad like myself would enjoy. I have not read any of them.” 

Dan started to walk in the direction of the bookshelf and Kyle lessened his grip on his hand. Apparently, that was not what Dan wanted because he tightened it and looked up at him while he waited for Kyle to follow him. 

Taking the five steps to the bookshelf, Kyle remembered he was holding Dan’s glasses and he held them out for him to take. Slowly moving his left hand to them, Kyle seriously wondered what had happened to make Dan not want to use the arm anymore. 

Dan’s right hand was still held in his so Dan was forced to either let it go or use his left hand. Whatever was happening with the left arm seemed to be the better option for Dan then letting Kyle’s hand go. 

“This one is good. If you read one of them, read this one.” Dan’s voice was barely a whisper as he pointed to the larger book on the shelf. His hand did not stay up long, quickly moving back to his side. “I read it ages ago.” 

“Is your arm alright?” Kyle had to ask. He knew he was pressing his luck because Dan had only just started talking again but it was important. He didn’t want to think the worst, but Dan had been using it better before he went into the bath attached to his room to pack more items. 

Dan stiffened for a second but then continued to read the titles of the books. Not once looking in Kyle's direction and keeping his tone flat. “I hurt it before I left. It is okay. I put a bandage on it.” 

“Dan.” Kyle’s heart sank. Dan was panicking because of him and hurting himself again. Maybe he shouldn't have pushed Dan to come with him. 

Dan had been lonely at his place but he was talking and not hurting himself. 

“Don’t do that.” Dan dropped Kyle’s hand and used his right hand to pick out a book. Dan’s voice was getting stronger. Opening it, he scanned through the words. “You are not responsible for my choices.” 

Kyle did not know what to say so he didn’t say anything. Dan had seemed fine earlier today. It was weird to think he would still do that to himself given his release from treatment, but maybe it wasn’t for Kyle to understand. 

“I’m going to get food and explain to them.” Kyle backed away toward the door. Dan’s attention stayed on the book and Kyle hated himself because he did a mental scan of anything in his room that Dan would use to hurt himself in his absence. “I will be right back.” 

“Thank you, Kyle.” Dan raised his eyes and smiled at Kyle. Kyle could see Dan visibly relax. 

Apparently, that was the correct response. Noted. 

“Back in a bit.” Kyle smiled back and quickly left the room. Leaning against the wall near the closed door, Kyle took a few deeper breaths and then went to explain to his foster parents. 

Having extensive years of fostering children, his foster parents said they understood. Richard made them both a plate and Sophie told him the rule was no sex in the house. 

Kyle thanked them and then quickly left. He loved that Sophie could be so open with him, but he needed to be away from her before his whole face went red. 

Kyle knocked at the door with his foot and smiled as Dan opened it for him. 

They sat arm to arm on the floor with their backs against the bed. Dan took a few bites, but he mainly pushed around the food. Kyle found the whole situation to be very surreal and he wasn’t that hungry due to the unease he felt. 

Their reunion this morning and their time at Dan’s flat had been so wonderful. Now, Kyle wondered if maybe it was a mistake to bring Dan here. 

Dan must be able to read his mind because he told Kyle he was chuffed he had pushed himself to come here. 

“I know I am acting odd and had a complete freakout earlier, but I like being here. Because it is with you.” Dan pushed around the pasta but kept looking toward Kyle. “I hope you are glad I came.” 

“I am.” Kyle set down his plate and offered his hand out to take Dan’s. Setting it near his, Kyle turned so he sat on his knees and he could face Dan. “Are you alright though? I feel like I pushed you too much. I could have explained the situation to Richard and Sophie. They might have lied for me and said I came home if I stayed at yours.” 

“Don’t get in trouble for me.” Dan pulled at his left sleeve and Kyle’s eyes went to Dan’s arm. He wanted to see it. “I couldn’t bear you getting in trouble for me.” 

“Dan?” Kyle waited for Dan’s eyes to look at him. Swallowing, he looked toward Dan’s arm and said it before he could talk himself out of it. “Can I see your arm?” 

“Why?” Dan narrowed his eyes at Kyle and pulled harder at his sleeve. 

“Because you said you hurt yourself and I feel like you did that because I wanted you to come here. And I need to see that you didn’t seriously hurt yourself because if you did then I cannot bear it.” Kyle felt his words speeding up as he spoke. “I love you so much and I don’t want you to hurt yourself because of something that I did.” 

Dan pulled at the sleeve and slowly moved his arm out, keeping the rest of the hoody on. Near the middle of his arm, there was a small bandage covering part of the healing scar. Dan looked toward Kyle briefly and then moved his arm back and returned it inside the sleeve. 

Dan seemed a bit nervous when Kyle started to move but he stayed still as Kyle lowered himself down to gently kiss Dan’s left arm. Right near where he believed the bandage to be underneath. 

When Kyle raised his head, Dan met him and kissed him. It was a gentle kiss, almost as soft as the one that Kyle gave Dan’s arm. Kyle told himself that it was Dan’s way of saying he was okay. 

“I don’t have a massive film library but we could watch something on my laptop?” Kyle looked over his shoulder at the bed. “My bed is cozy. Not as big as yours but we could fit.” 

“What about your foster parents?” Dan’s eyes quickly went to the door as if they were standing behind it. 

“Sophie told me no sex in the house.” Kyle felt himself blush at the words but at least she couldn’t see him now. “She is a nurse so she is very open about those subjects. I will not traumatize you with the sex education lesson she gave me when I arrived here. Let’s just say, I will not eat bananas ever again.” 

Dan laughed and Kyle felt something break inside him. The tension he had felt since Dan had been crying in his arms out on the street broke and he felt like maybe this was going to be okay. It wasn’t a massive mistake to bring Dan to his home. 

They settled on the bed with the laptop resting on their thighs. Kyle had his head resting on Dan’s chest and Dan had his right hand in Kyle’s hair. Some of the ease and comfort of being near one another returned and Kyle pushed the rest of the tension and awkwardness away as they watched the film on his small laptop screen. 

Dan kissed the top of Kyle’s head after a few minutes and Kyle turned his head up to kiss Dan’s lips. Dan kissed him back and then told him to watch the film. 

The next part was the best bit.


	20. Other People's Mums

Kyle was fairly certain that mornings are the worst. 

You wake up from sleep paralysis and then are magically expected to be able to move and function like a human being. 

And, the one thing that Kyle was looking forward to as he fell asleep on Dan’s chest last night didn’t happen. Waking up next to Dan. 

Turning over, Kyle looked around the room and saw that he was still in his clothes from the day before and there was a light on near the bookshelf. 

And then mornings were not so bad anymore because Dan was sleeping in front of the bookshelf. 

His back was against the bookshelf and his legs folded in front of him. There was a book open in his lap. Dan was slouched in his spot and his glasses seemed minutes from falling off his face. Hair wild as always. And wearing a damn hoody that Kyle had come to symbolize with Dan. 

Kyle smiled to himself as he made his way out of bed and toward Dan. He was snoring softly as Kyle slowly lowered himself down and took off Dan’s glasses before they fell. 

Dan’s body looked to be in an uncomfortable position, but he seemed at peace. 

Kyle decided he loved mornings. 

Kyle stood to put Dan’s glasses on the bedside table and find the plates to return to the kitchen. Sophie did not like anyone collecting dishes in their room. 

The dishes were gone and Kyle looked toward Dan. Did he leave the room? Probably not. 

Which meant that Sophie had checked in on them and took the dishes because she hated dishes lying about. 

Shaking his head at the invasion of privacy, Kyle decided he really couldn’t blame her for being suspicious. 

Kyle acts like an absolute prat and then gets sent off to custody. Then a treatment facility. Then gets in trouble at the treatment facility. 

Kyle wondered why they even gave him a chance. 

And why they let him have Dan spend the night when they knew they were together. 

After using the toilet, Kyle saw the light on in the kitchen and decided to head toward his fate. 

“Morning, love.” Sophie looked up from her bag and gave Kyle a large smile. Sophie was a morning person. Which she said went well with being a mother to various small children over her years as a foster parent and a nurse that worked early hours. “I found your dishes for you.” 

“Sorry about that.” Kyle walked to pour some juice and then watched with his glass in his hand as Sophie continued to go through the bag. “Did you check to make sure we were not having sex? Because you would know best that adolescent males can do that quickly. At least that is what you told me when you scarred me for life with your sexual health lesson. You would have had to watched us all night.” 

“You were listening!” Sophie teased him as she continued to go through her bag. “I thought maybe you blocked me out since you were holding your ears and rocking back and forth by the end of the lesson.” 

“I listened.” Kyle took a drink and then asked. “What are you looking for?” 

“I have some antibiotic cream for Dan. He needs to watch that cut on his arm. I told him to only use clean objects from now on.” Sophie must have found what she was looking for because she smiled as she raised a white tube in her hand. “Tell him to use this throughout the day.” 

Kyle took the offered tube and kept his eyes on it. “You know about that?” 

“Dan was awake when I checked in on you lot.” Sophie walked closer to Kyle. “He was reading and I believe I scared the dickens out of him. He grabbed at his arm when I opened the door and he looked to be in pain. Had a lovely one-sided chat with him. Told him I was a nurse and the like. I used my mum charm and nurse charm to get him to show me his arm.” 

“Oh.” Kyle looked up from the tube in his hands. He could only imagine how panicked Dan must have been when Sophie opened the door to Kyle’s room. And then he wondered how he slept through the whole incident. “He did the most of it when we were there. He had to go to hospital.” 

“That must have been scary for you.” Kyle felt her hand on his arm and for once, he didn’t mind it. It had been terribly frightening knowing what Dan had done to himself and Kyle wasn’t sure how to handle Dan potentially doing that again. “That is a lot to take on. To love someone that struggles with self-harm. And suicidal thoughts. Make sure you are caring for you as well. You are not his therapist. You just love him, okay?” 

Kyle nodded his head and shocked himself by hugging her. He had never done that before. In fact, the last woman he probably hugged was his nan at his family’s funeral. 

“Oh, love.” Sophie hugged him back with strong arms and Kyle half wished she didn’t have to go to work. If she was surprised by the hug, she hid it well until she said, “Thank you. I have no plans to replace your mum, but I will always give out free mum hugs as needed.” 

Kyle let out a short laugh and stepped back. He tried to hide the fact that he wiped away a tear threatening to fall out of his eye, but Sophie saw him. She didn’t say anything about it though. Kyle decided he did not give her a chance and he missed out on having a relationship with her. 

“Off to work I must go.” Sophie gave him another smile and grabbed her bag and her coffee mug. As she left the room, she called out, “Remember no sex in the house.”

Kyle looked around the empty kitchen after she left and wondered what just happened. 

Sophie had gone into his room. She met Dan and spoke to him. She knew about his habit of self-mutilation. Sophie gave Kyle cream for Dan’s arm. And Kyle had hugged her. 

Finishing the juice, Kyle made his way back to his room and was greeted by the adorable sight of Dan sleeping. He had moved himself down to lie on the floor, or he had fallen down in his sleep. Now he laid half on his side and his legs were tangled in with one another. 

Kyle took the blanket off his bed and laid it out on Dan. Then he lowered himself down and snuggled into the space next to Dan. From this angle, Kyle could see all of Dan’s face and he decided he didn’t want to sleep yet. 

Instead, he would memorize everything about him to put into his mind for when Dan wouldn’t be sleeping next to him. 

At least until they moved into their own place. 

And then every morning would be amazing because he could wake up to Dan next to him. Or a dog licking his face. Either way, it would be their future. 

Kyle couldn’t wait, but for now, he had Dan to memorize and that was enough. 

Moving his hand onto Dan’s side, Kyle tried to move Dan in closer to him but he didn’t want to chance hurting his arm. Instead, Kyle moved in closer and was happy to find that Dan moved in as well in his sleep. 

Kyle told himself that Dan likely wanted to be closer to him. Even in his sleep he wanted to be near him. 

Kyle smiled and closed his eyes. Dan wasn’t going anywhere. He was right next to him. Wanting to be by him even in his sleep. 

Kyle was the luckiest person in the world. 

Maybe even the universe. 

***

“I’m telling you, I am right.” Kyle laughed as Dan pushed against his stomach. Dan was only using his right hand, but it made Kyle move away from him on the sofa. “Just you wait. I am right.” 

“How do you know?” Dan laughed with him and pulled Kyle back to where he was. Which was lying half on top of him and half on the sofa. The telly was on but neither of them were watching it. 

“I know things. Okay.” Kyle leaned up and kissed Dan’s chin. And then his bottom lip. And then his mouth. And then they were really kissing each other. Again.

Their whole day had consisted of this. Lying on the sofa and talking in between kissing each other. 

Kyle wondered if kissing Dan would ever get boring. Or if he would always crave Dan’s lips on his own. Was it always like this, or was this special? 

“Hello, lads.” Richard’s deep voice made Kyle jump somewhat away from Dan but there wasn’t really any place Kyle could go. The sofa was only so big and Dan’s hand was underneath the back of his shirt. “Don’t mind me. Simply walking through the lounge to the kitchen. Nothing to worry about here.” 

Kyle looked down to Dan and found that panicked look had returned to his face. Dan’s fingers pressed into Kyle’s back and Kyle wanted to tell him it was fine. That everything was okay, but he also didn’t want to put more attention to it than there already was. They had been kissing. Richard saw them. No worries. 

Once he was sure that Richard was out of ear range, Kyle whispered to Dan, “It is okay. I think they like you. Sohpie does for sure. Richard is kind as well.” 

Kyle and Dan had spoken briefly about Sophie and her coming into Kyle’s room last night. Dan said that he was so startled and freaked out that he thought she was a spirit at first. It didn’t help that the book he was reading had a spirit haunting a teenage boy. 

Kyle had given Dan the cream for his arm and Dan looked at it for a long time before taking the offering. 

“Was she upset? That I do that? Like, for you, I mean.” Dan’s voice went quieter and he moved around the tube in his hand. “That I do that and you know about it. Like, she doesn’t think that I will make you do that?” 

“She is a nurse so she understands. She only said that she wants you to be safe.” Kyle moved in closer so Dan was right in front of him. Dan stopped looking at the tube and found Kyle’s eyes. “She told me to take care of myself. And to not be your therapist. Good, because, I don’t want to be Lew.” 

“Kathy was my therapist.” Dan said as he looked away and then back. Kyle felt Dan picking at Kyle’s shirt as he spoke. “Lew tried but I liked her best. She was like a mum, but not. My auntie, she didn’t want us. It was a shock to lose her sister and then she was instantly a parent. She told us she didn’t have children for a reason, but we were family so she was going to honour her sister’s wishes. I miss having a mum. My mum, damn, she was the best. My auntie, she is so different. It is like they are not even related.” 

“I have had many foster mums try to be a mum to me. I pushed them all away because they were not like my mum. If I couldn’t have my mum, then I didn’t want any of them.” Kyle found Dan’s hand and wrapped their fingers together. “I hugged Sophie this morning and it felt nice. Like a mum. Not my mum, but like one.” 

“She seems kind. Sophie.” Dan nodded and Kyle felt all the energy drain from him.

From there, they moved to the sofa and spent the day there. 

“I cannot promise I will talk to him, but we can eat dinner with them tonight.” Dan seemed to be focusing on a spot over Kyle’s shoulder. “Baby steps.” 

“They will like you eating with them.” Kyle kissed Dan’s cheek and then rested his head on Dan’s chest. Snuggling in, Kyle closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel better seeing the election numbers coming in. Seeing all the ballots being counted. Yesterday was a reminder that this country has so far to go before we can live up to the ideal of "We The People." 
> 
> Stay well my friends. Self-care to the max!


	21. Other People's Mums Part 2

“If I kiss you here, will you say my name?” Kyle smiled against Dan’s skin and waited for his response. 

It was late and they were huddled up under the covers. No film needed to give them a plausible excuse to lie in the same bed together. Kyle’s foster parents loved Dan and they trusted them to be safe with one another. 

Dan had sat through the whole dinner with them and even ate a bit of his food. His foster parents were quickly becoming some of Kyle’s favourite people. They spoke about their day with Kyle and paid little mind to how Dan was literally silent next to them. 

Kyle wanted to move his foot over and put it on Dan’s, but there were spaced too far apart. 

Instead, he gave him random smiles throughout the meal and added in comments here and there about their day to his foster parents. Not that there was much to tell. Kyle’s day had been spent attached to Dan’s lips. 

After their meal, Sophie casually asked Dan to see his arm and Dan moved his arm out of his sleeve without any hesitation. 

Sophie looked it over and said that it looked better than this morning and that Dan should continue to use the cream. 

Dan nodded his head and put his arm back in his sleeve. Kyle asked Dan if he was ready to go back to Kyle’s room to give him an out, but Dan surprised everyone by telling Sophie, “Thank you.”

Dan and Kyle went through their nighttime routine and fell into bed. Dan gave the first kiss and Kyle challenged him back. 

At some point, Kyle had taken off his shirt and he got Dan’s off as well. 

Now, they were playing the untitled game of 'where can I kiss you next to get a bigger reaction than before.' 

Kyle had declared himself the winner even before the game was complete because he had made Dan moan out his name. After he realized what he did, Dan covered his mouth and looked down to Kyle with a panicked look. 

Kyle told him that his foster parents’ room was far away and no one was listening through the walls. That seemed to ease Dan a bit, but he went quiet for a while after that. 

Now, Kyle was trying to up his game and get Dan to say his name again. 

Currently, he was kissing his way down Dan’s upper chest and moving down slowly. 

Kyle knew he was playing a somewhat dangerous game because they had not done that before. A hand was one thing but a mouth was completely different. Kyle was not sure how he felt about it, but he was a firm believer in experiencing things before judging them. 

Kyle kissed a raised scar near Dan’s rib cage and felt Dan’s hand grip in his hair. It hurt to have Dan pull on it but it was bearable. 

Kyle continued on his path down, with each new second spent kissing a new section of skin. Some raised, and others so soft. 

Dan was breathing harder and his stomach was moving with each breath, but he had yet to say Kyle’s name and declare him the victor. 

Kyle had to move his legs down so his mouth could go lower. Right as Kyle’s lips met the band on Dan’s shorts, Dan pulled his hair harder and said, “Kyle.” 

Except, it wasn’t a nice and deep sound like the one earlier. It was a panicked sound that made Kyle look up. From the look on Dan’s face he thought maybe one of his foster parents was at the door and he was two seconds from being shouted at, but there was no shouting. 

“Too much?” Kyle moved himself back up so he was eye to eye with Dan and laid on his side next to him. “I’m sorry if I am going too fast. Just, well, look at you. How could I resist?” 

“Stop it.” Dan’s whole face went a darker shade of pink and he looked down to Kyle’s hand resting on his bare chest. Kyle was absentmindedly making a small circle with the tip of his finger against the middle of Dan’s chest. “I”m not all that special.”

“You are beautiful and amazing.” Kyle hoped Dan understood that Kyle was serious in his statement. “I look at you and see my future. I look at you and see hope. Purpose. I see someone who is so amazing and kind. What is not to love about you? You know I do, right? Love you?” 

“I love you.” Dan looked back up and smiled. “I see my future with you. It is terrifying but so exciting at the same time. Are you sure you want all that?” 

“Want you?” Kyle leaned in and kissed Dan’s forehead and then right underneath his eye. “In all the ways possible, I want you.” 

Dan’s right hand went up to Kyle’s hair and stayed there. Kyle could only smile back. He said everything he could possibly think to say that mattered. 

“Maybe we should sleep now?” Dan broke the comfortable silence and eye contact between them. “You have to work tomorrow and I don’t want you to be sleepy when you are filing papers. Might mess up and I cannot have you fired because of me.” 

“I don’t want to work tomorrow. I want to replay today again tomorrow.” Kyle moved his hand up and moved it through Dan’s hair. “How will I get through a whole day without kissing you? Touching you? Hearing you laugh? Seeing your smile?” 

That blush returned and Kyle felt himself blushing at his words. Whatever, he was a lovesick adolescent, he was allowed to be sappy and dramatic. 

“It is not like you won’t see me again.” Dan let out a slight giggle and Kyle knew it was on purpose. At least, he hoped. “I’m not going anywhere.” 

“I sure the hell hope not.” Kyle kissed Dan’s nose and then cuddled up closer to him. Dan turned on his side and they kept their hands in each other’s hair. “Will I get to wake up next to you tomorrow?” 

“You woke up next to me today.” Dan looked confused. He had been a bit shocked when he opened his eyes and found Kyle watching him mid-morning. 

“I mean in a bed.” Kyle’s smile turned into a fake pout. “I had to go find you and sleep on a hard floor. You left me in bed alone.” 

“I couldn’t sleep last night.” Dan kissed the pout and moved back to lie his head back on their shared pillow. “I am tired tonight. I will stay in bed.” 

“Good.” Kyle closed his eyes and then opened them quickly. “Just checking to make sure you are still here.” 

“You are so funny.” Dan fake mocked him and then closed his eyes. “Good night, Kyle.” 

“Good night, Dan.” Kyle reached to turn off the light and cuddled in again to Dan. 

Dan’s arm wrapped around Kyle’s back and his legs moved against his own. 

Sleep came quick. 

Halfway through the night, Kyle woke suddenly to a strange feeling in his chest. Opening his eyes, he found the bed next to him empty. There were no lights on and looking over the bed, Kyle did not see the outline of Dan sleeping on the floor. 

The first thought Kyle had was that Dan had left, but he stopped that by finding Dan’s bag right where he had left it. 

His second thought was that Dan needed to wee so he went to do that. 

That still did not explain the strange feeling in his chest, so Kyle stood up and went to search the flat. 

No one was in the toilet or the lounge. 

Walking toward the kitchen, Kyle froze before he came into view of the people in the kitchen. 

There were two voices and they clearly belonged to Dan and Sophie. 

Kyle looked around him and wondered if he shouldn’t listen in. 

The fact that Dan was talking made him want to go back to his room and allow Dan his privacy. He was obviously comfortable enough to talk to Sophie. Kyle did not need to mess that up by listening in and making Dan not trust him. Or Sophie. 

However, the topic of conversation made Kyle stay frozen in his spot. 

They were talking about him. 

“Kyle has never brought anyone ‘round. We never hear about anyone he is associating with or dating.” Sophie’s voice was a bit louder and easier to hear. 

Kyle felt some of the like he had developed for her disappear given she was talking about him. Sophie did not know the people Kyle previously associated with for a reason. They were not good influences on his behaviour and she would not approve. 

“I don’t.” Dan’s voice was soft and Kyle had to strain to hear him. “Associate with anyone. Ever. Kyle, he is different.” 

“He really seems to care about you.” Sophie was likely smiling and nodding her head. “He didn't opened up to us like this until after he returned from the treatment facility. I think most of that had to do with you.” 

There was not a response and Kyle wanted to rush in there and save Dan from having to talk, but he stopped right as Dan started talking again. 

“Kyle makes me want to open up more as well.” Dan’s voice was shaking a bit and it grew quieter. “Kathy, she is a therapist there if Kyle didn’t tell you, said that I am feeling better because of the new medication. Which, I understand, but no medication has ever made me feel like Kyle does. I know I feel better because of Kyle.” 

Kyle almost melted into a pile of goo right on Sophie’s nice carpet. 

Kyle had argued with Lew about Dan’s new way about him and Lew had insisted it was the medication. Hearing Dan say it was Kyle made Kyle want to ring up Lew and tell him to suck it. 

But mostly, it made Kyle want to hug Dan and never let go of him. 

Kyle loved him and Kyle loving him was making him feel better. Kyle wanted everything for Dan and if he helped him have those things, he would gladly do anything to make it happen. 

“I still have urges. To do what I did with my arm.” Dan’s voice was shaking worse now and he appeared to be fighting through his words. “What if I do it and I leave him all alone? I cannot do that to him.”

“Oh, Dan.” Sophie was crying and then there was silence. 

Kyle was torn between making himself known so he could hug Dan and going back to the room and pretending like he did not invade Dan’s privacy by listening. 

The urge to hug Dan won out and Kyle took three steps closer to the kitchen and then froze again. 

Dan was huddled up into himself and Sophie had both of her strong arms wrapped around him, holding him close to her chest. 

Kyle had felt that strong hug yesterday morning. Kyle had felt that sense of a mother’s love in the hug and Kyle knew Dan needed a hug like that right now. 

Dan who spoke about missing his mum and having an auntie that did not want him. Dan who preferred Kathy over Lew because she was “like a mum” to him. 

Dan needed a mum to care about him and hug him. Sophie was not Kyle’s mum, at least not officially, but Kyle would gladly share her with Dan. 

“It is going to be okay, love.” Kyle felt Sophie’s eyes on him and he knew that she was talking to both Kyle and Dan in that moment. “It is all going to be alright.” 

Kyle debated with himself on making his presence known to Dan. Sophie had already seen him so it would not make sense to simply walk away. 

Walking toward them, Kyle took Dan’s right hand and squeezed it. Dan squeezed back, but made no move to leave the strong arms of a mother’s love.

Smiling at Sophie, Kyle thanked her in his head for being there for Dan. And for Kyle. 


	22. Go find yourself a man

“Kyle?” Kyle heard his name from the door of the office that he was working in. Kyle’s mind wasn’t on the alphabet and he had already had to re-find and re-file at least a dozen files since he started working. 

Turning and giving his foster brother a smile, Kyle said, “Hiya, Coop. How are you doing?” 

“Well, thank you.” Coop returned a half smile and looked behind him before closing the door. It was a small office and held only them. “I hope you are well. Mum and Dad did not tell me of any more illegal activity.” 

“Nope. Put that life behind me.” Kyle joked back and found that Coop was not in a joking mood. Losing his smile, Kyle put down the rest of the files he had in his hand on top of the cabinet. “What? Did something happen?” 

“Security found a lad wandering ‘round outside the building. He said he knows you and my supervisor recognized that you are connected to me. So here I am.” Coop narrowed his eyes. “You sure you have been staying out of trouble? Anyone trying to find you? Because, the money thing?” 

Kyle wondered if the person he didn’t return the money to off the drug deal sent someone looking for him. He hadn’t heard any fall out from them, but then again, Kyle kept his mouth shut about all that. Otherwise, he likely would not have gone into custody. 

“Fuck, does he have wild hair and he is wearing a hoody?” Kyle’s brain switched away from a random stalking him to Dan stalking him. “Refuses to talk?” 

“You just described every adolescent in the world.” Coop laughed and uncrossed his arms. “You think you know him? Or should they tell him to stay off the property?” 

Kyle shook his head and asked his foster brother to take him to the person. 

They walked through the building and took the lift down until they reached a room that Kyle had never been in before. There was a tall man towering over a person with a purple hoody and a hood over their face and pulling at their left sleeve. 

“Dan.” Kyle walked in closer and lowered himself down to the floor next to Dan’s chair. Dan stopped pulling at his sleeve when he heard Kyle’s voice. Kyle looked up underneath the hood and saw the panic on Dan’s face. And, almost more concerning, a red mark on his left cheek “You alright?” 

Dan’s eyes told him the answer and Kyle stood to address the two other gentlemen in the room. “This is Dan. He is my boyfriend. We were going to meet after I was through with work. He must have shown early. No worries. Coop, I am going to take my break. Mr. Security Man, cheers for your service.” 

Coop nodded his head and the security guard snorted his answer. 

Kyle took Dan’s right hand gently, in case he hurt it for whatever reason and told Dan to follow him. Likely eager to leave the room, Dan stood quickly and followed close behind Kyle. 

Kyle directed them outside to an area meant for employees but was hardly ever used. 

Once there, Kyle sat them down on a bench and he turned to face Dan. 

Dan looked over with shy eyes, or rather eye considering that Kyle could only see one with the hood on. “I’m sorry.” 

“No need to be sorry. I am concerned that something happened.” Kyle rubbed his thumb against the back of Dan’s hand, still holding it from when he took it in the security office. “Please tell me.” 

“I went home. After I walked you here.” Dan looked up toward the building and then half back at Kyle. “After some time, my auntie came home. She was upset about something or another. I told her that I was going to spend the night with you, again. She didn’t say anything, but she walked toward me slowly and hit me. My face with her hand. Hard. Then she left. She just left.” 

“What is horrible. Does she do that?” Kyle felt a variety of emotions, but mostly anger toward this woman that he had never met. “Are you alright?” 

Kyle couldn’t help himself, but he looked toward Dan’s arms. They were covered and wouldn’t tell him anything unless he seriously hurt himself, but Kyle had to look. 

Dan’s eyes followed Kyle's. And he took his hand back from Kyle’s hand and wrapped it around his waist. Much like he had been doing, he did not hug himself with his left arm. Which made Kyle want to see it that much more. 

“She does it sometimes. Not a lot, but sometimes. She gets stressed. She works hard and she is gone most of the time.” Dan’s eyes moved to the building in front of them and stayed there. “I didn’t hurt myself. I. I wanted to be near you so I came here. Early. I was going to wait outside but then that man came ‘round and kept asking me questions. He kept raising his voice because I couldn’t answer. And I tried to say something to explain myself to make him go away. All I could manage was your name. Almost forgot your last name; he was shouting so loud.” 

“I’m sorry.” Kyle turned to face the building as well. Hugging his arms to his chest, he felt like an ass because he assumed Dan hurt himself. And angry that Dan’s auntie hurt him. And upset at the security man for making Dan not be able to speak. And worried because Dan was hurt and Kyle wanted to blow off the job and stay with him for the rest of the day. 

“You didn’t do anything.” Dan turned after a few seconds of silence. “Will I make you get fired? Because I came here and because of that man? Because you are outside with me and not working?” 

“No.” Kyle shook his head and found Dan’s eyes before turning back to face him. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I have a break, you just gave me a perfect excuse to use it. I missed you. Pathetic right. Barely been six hours and I missed you.” 

“I missed you.” Dan reached for Kyle’s hand with his right and did the thumb rubbing thing that Kyle had been doing. “I was trying to write...before she came home. I kept writing about you. And then I was trying to find a word that rhymed with Kyle that was not something stupid. Hostile didn’t fit the vibe I was going for.” 

Kyle smiled and pointed to his mouth. “Smile?” 

Dan gave him half a smile back but it appeared to hurt his face so he stopped. “How long is your break?” 

“A few more minutes. I have a half hour.” Kyle raised his hand to Dan’s face and then slowly turned Dan’s face so he could see it more. There was a clear red mark on his cheek from where she hit him and Kyle felt the sadness take over. “I hate that you hurt. That she hurt you. I hate that she isn’t a mother to you. I hate that you don’t have your mother. I hate so many things right now. But, I love you.” 

“I love you.” Dan said back automatically and squeezed Kyle’s hand. “I am sorry I came here. I don’t want to get you in trouble.” 

“Hogwash.” Kyle leaned in and gave him a quick kiss on the lips. Covering Dan’s hand holding his hand, Kyle sat back. “Seeing you is the best part of my day. Always. I won’t be in trouble, but even if I were, it would be worth it. I like that you came to me.” 

“Tell me the plan again.” Dan’s eyes went from sad to hopeful. The half smile was on his face again, with only the right side smiling. “About our future.” 

“We will live in a small flat and both go to uni. I will study music and you will study English literature.” Kyle smiled wide for the both of them and could almost see their future in Dan’s eyes. “We will have a dog and we will spoil her with love. We will always have each other.” 

“I want that future now.” The hope left Dan’s face and Kyle dropped their hands to pull him into a hug. Always mindful of his left arm, Kyle hugged him close. “I don’t want to wait.” 

“I want that future now as well.” Kyle rested the side of his head against the side of Dan’s. “Soon. So soon it will be ours.” 

They sat like that for a few more minutes and then Kyle reluctantly pulled away. Dan’s eyes still seemed sad, but not as hopeless as before. 

Kyle had an idea and he smiled. “Can I see your arm?” 

“I didn’t hurt myself.” Dan seemed confused and a bit upset. “Don’t you believe me?” 

“No, no. Not for that. Please.” Kyle took out the Sharpie he had in his pants pocket. He had been using it to mark the files as needed, but hopefully Dan would think what he wanted would be sweet. “I have an idea.” 

“A Sharpie?” Dan’s eyes went to Kyle’s face as he took his right arm slowly out of his sleeve. “You going to use a Sharpie on me? Those are permanent.” 

“So is my love for you.” Kyle smirked and tried not to tell himself that it was suspicious that Dan was slowing him his right arm and not the left. “Come on now, give it over.” 

Dan rested his arm, wrist up, on Kyle’s knee and looked up. Kyle felt foolish, but he only now realized that Dan was not wearing his glasses. 

Opening the lid to the maker, Kyle asked, “Did you forget your glasses?” 

“Contacts. I couldn’t use them at the treatment facility and now that I can use my arms again, I wanted to use them again.” Kyle felt Dan’s eyes on him as he worked on his idea. 

“I like your glasses. But, I also like being able to see your eyes better.” Kyle smiled and raised up Dan’s arm, so he could see his work. “There. A permanent reminder that someone loves you.” 

On Dan’s wrist, Kyle drew a heart and their first initials inside the heart. 

“You.” Dan gave him a genuine smile and then winced at the pain. “Don’t make me smile.” 

Dan’s face said everything but that he was upset with Kyle. Dan’s face showed him the love that Kyle felt for him mirrored back to him. 

“You love it. Admit it.” Kyle laughed and leaned in to kiss him. Dan kissed him back and Kyle forgot he was on a break. Even that he was at work. 

Deepening the kiss, Kyle raised his hand with the Sharpie not in it and smiled as Dan kissed him back. 

Dan was the one that pushed him back. Kyle prided himself on the fact that Dan showed no sign of sadness anymore. “Break must be over.” 

Kyle remembered the Sharpie in his hand and quickly put the lid on. Thankfully, Dan did not seem to be marked up. At least outside what Kyle drew on him. 

“Go to a music shop and browse ‘round.” Kyle gave him one quick kiss and then stood as Dan put his arm back in his sleeve. “In two hours, meet me back here and we will have the rest of the day together.” 

Dan nodded his head and pulled his hood back over his face, covering up most of the red mark. 

They held hands until they reached the door of the building and then Kyle squeezed it once before stepping toward the door. “Soon, Dan. Soon.” 

“Soon.” Dan nodded his head and slowly took a few steps backward. He did not seem to want to leave. “Promise me.” 

“I promise you.” Kyle gave him a smile and walked backward himself. He hit the door with his back and he laughed at himself. “Think of me when you look at your arm.” 

“I think of you all the time.” Dan said softly and then turned away before Kyle could give him a response. 

Watching Dan walk away from him, Kyle had the urge to hold his heart. 

Instead, the door was pulled from behind him and Kyle stumbled backward. Standing up straight, Kyle found the security man smirking at him and he almost went off on him. But, then he remembered that he was on probation and didn’t need the trouble. 

He had a future with Dan to work toward and nothing would get in his way.


	23. Cup of fate

“Maybe that one is too big?” Kyle looked over the selections in front of them and then briefly to Dan. Kyle felt a bit embarrassed asking Dan, but Dan would likely use it as well. “Or do I want it bigger?” 

“Mine is about that size.” Dan pointed to top shelf with his finger on his left hand and Kyle instantly felt better. If Dan was using that hand and arm, then he likely did not hurt himself. 

Unless he hurt his right arm because he knew that Kyle would be suspicious of Dan not using his left arm. Ugh, Kyle pushed away those thoughts and looked over the selection in front of them. 

Kyle wanted to make sure he got the right one. He finally had his own legal money and he could spend it on anything he wanted. Or needed. 

“I thought it was bigger than that.” Kyle stepped in closer to inspect it on the shelf. “My hands are not that big so it was definitely bigger than that one.” 

“Rubbish.” Dan laughed behind him and stepped in closer, taking Kyle’s hand casually with his own. Dan’s hand felt nice in his own. It felt natural, like their hands were made to hold onto each other. “It is literally that size. I would know, I play with it more.” 

“But, I like playing with it more.” Kyle stuck his tongue out at Dan and then smiled. “And, I’m better at it than you.” 

“Liar.” Dan giggled again and Kyle wanted to kiss him, but that felt strange in the middle of a shop. Dan would likely be smiling back at him if his cheek was not turning darker shades of purple and green. It had gotten darker since Kyle saw him a few hours ago. “I taught you how to play with it.” 

“Anything I can help you lads with?” A deep voice behind them made both of them jump and stop staring at one another. “You lot have been staring at the shelves for close to an hour. You looking to play or just browsing.” 

Dan kept his hand in Kyle’s and his head turned away from the man. Kyle half turned to look behind him and smiled at the store employee. His name badge read, Barry. 

“Barry I would like the one on the top shelf, please.” Kyle pointed to the keyboard with his free hand. “I think that one will fit my needs.” 

“Marvelous.” Barry used a long arm to reach between them and take the box from the higher shelf. “I will bring it up for you. Please follow me.” 

As Barry reached between them, Kyle saw the unease wash over Dan’s face and he was surprised that Dan stayed where he was next to him. Likely if his hand was not attached to Kyle’s, Dan would have legged it as soon as the man started talking to them. 

Barry completed the sale for him and handed the box over to Kyle with a pleasant exchange. Dan was pulling on Kyle’s hand to leave even before Barry was done speaking. 

“Cheers, mate.” Kyle yelled back to Barry as Dan was dragging them out of the store. I guess his arms did not hurt if he was using both of them and pulling on Kyle’s arm in the process. 

“Okay, scary man is gone.” Kyle bumped his shoulder into Dan’s as they reached the outside. Finally looking Dan over, he saw a frightened look on his face. “What’s wrong?” 

“He was too close.” Dan shrugged off the statement and his face returned to a more normal state. “I don’t like that. Especially people I do not know.”

“You hugged Sophie last night.” Kyle said, not wanting to contradict Dan but express that he was curious. “Wasn’t that too close?” 

“It is different. She is connected to you and she is kind.” Dan looked around them and then back to Kyle. “And I needed that hug. I desperately needed that hug. That is why I cannot go home with you tonight.” 

Kyle felt that warmth move through his chest at Dan’s words until he said he wouldn’t have Dan to fall asleep to and wake up next to in the morning. “What? Why?”

“She will know. My face. She will ring the council’s social care team. I cannot talk to those people.” Dan looked down as he spoke. “I only have a few more months and then I can leave her behind. I can have my inheritance and I will not need her anymore. We will both be better off.” 

Kyle shifted his feet and gripped the keyboard box tighter as he debated sharing more about himself with Dan. 

Kyle knew Dan had been going through a lot emotionally, with the anniversary of his parents’ death and his suicide attempt. Dan was already angry at Kyle for using the drug during his stay at the treatment facility. Kyle didn’t want to burden Dan with his own trauma, but maybe it was needed. 

“I was placed with horrible people sometimes through foster care.” Kyle waited for Dan’s eyes before he continued. Dan seemed cautious to listen but curious as well. “One lady, she hit me with a belt. More than once, actually. It took her hitting me three times and finally leaving a big enough bruise before I was removed. Her name was Linda. She sounds a bit like your auntie. Overworked and stressed. She took it out on me. Said I was the one that had something wrong with me. If only I would listen, then she wouldn’t have to hit me. She was doing it for my own well-being. So I didn’t turn out to be a criminal. I was fourteen.” 

Kyle saw the sadness cover Dan’s face and Kyle hoped he didn’t trigger him. He wanted to let Dan know that he understood. At least part of it. He was not related to Linda, but he was in her care and she abused that privilege. 

“I wanted you to know that. About me. That I know.” Kyle stepped in closer and was thankful there was no one around them on the pavement. The area they were in was mostly shops but it was nearing dinner time. “I don’t like talking about her and what she did to me. But, if talking to you about it will help, I will.” 

“Why do people have to be so mean to each other?” Dan bit his lip and leaned his head in to rest it against Kyle’s. His free hand was resting on Kyle’s back, holding onto his shirt. “Life is already so hard. Thank you for telling me. I’m sorry Linda was mean to you. No one should be mean to you.” 

“I’m sorry your auntie is mean to you. No one should be mean to you.” Kyle closed his eyes and took in the moment. 

He really did hate thinking about Linda and that time. He hated talking about his life most of the time and avoided it for a reason. Because it brought up emotions and normally Kyle felt he could not handle them. 

But loving Dan and having him love him back, Kyle felt like maybe he could talk about it. At least a little bit for now. 

“I need to sleep at mine tonight.” Dan broke the silence after a few minutes. They likely looked like a bunch of nutters holding onto each other in the middle of the shop area, with a keyboard under one arm. “We can talk to one another on the internet. You can play me the keyboard. I will sing for you.” 

Kyle nodded his head against Dan’s but couldn’t speak. Kyle knew if he said anything else, he was going to start crying and that was not why he told Dan. He didn’t want Dan to think that was why he told him. 

Dan squeezed his hand and Kyle found that he didn’t need to talk to start crying. 

Dan was whispering soothing words into his ear and Kyle squeezed Dan’s hand back. 

Fuck it. They were a bunch of nutters. And it didn’t matter. 

Briefly removing his hand from Dan’s, Kyle brushed away tears from each eye and then stood back. 

“Walk me to the Tube.” Kyle took Dan’s hand back and then walked in that direction. Slower than Kyle had ever walked anywhere before. 

After a quick kiss and a promise that Dan would meet him on the internet, Kyle parted from him and hugged his keyboard close until he reached his stop. 

“Kyle.” A man's voice broke him out of the autopilot he was on as he walked himself home. Kyle had just put his foot onto his foster parents’ property when he heard his name. “I am pleased to see you only broke your curfew by fifteen minutes.” 

“Sorry.” Kyle looked toward the keyboard and then back up at his caseworker. “I went shopping after work. Saved up for a keyboard. I play. Did I tell you that? It seems like it would have been something I didn’t tell you out of spite.” 

“No, you did not mention that.” His caseworker, Taylor, gave him a grin. “That does sound like you though.” 

“Old me. I’ve changed.” Kyle put down the keyboard near the front steps. Taylor was standing on the top step and towered over him. “I finished my treatment. I have a job. No illegal activity. No substances. No running drugs. I came a long way from that wayward teenager angry with the world.” 

“Chuffed to hear.” Taylor laughed and then grew serious. “I should have sent you there forever ago, maybe we wouldn’t have to do the next part.” 

“What part is that?” Kyle felt his heart drop and he felt ill. All Kyle had running through his head was that Taylor was going to remove him from Sophie and Richard and place him with someone new. Or worse, put him back in custody because of the slip up during treatment. “Please, don’t remove me. Please. I will beg. On my knees. Please.” 

“No. None of that.” Taylor waved his hand and Kyle felt his anxiety drop back to a manageable 50 from 100. “Urine screen. I only need a urine screen. If you are clean, you stay put.” 

“I am clean.” Kyle nodded his head and picked up the keyboard box. “Come on. I will wee for you right now.” 

Kyle passed him on the stairs and then continued into the flat. 

Leaning the box against the railing leading upstairs, Kyle took the offered cup and headed toward the downstairs’ toilet. 

“I always feel like I should offer you a joke while I do this.” Kyle stood with his back to Taylor while Taylor stood in the room with him. “Make it seem less awkward.” 

“And I tell you all the time; it is my job. No need to humour me.” Taylor took the cup as Kyle handed it back and Kyle zipped himself up to wash his hands. 

“I am clean.” Kyle watched as Taylor put the strip in the cup. 

Kyle hugged his arms to his chest and waited with Taylor. He was nervous for no reason. The loop of going back to custody and being away from Dan was running through his head whether he wanted it to or not. 

The strip did its job and Kyle let out a long sigh of relief. 

“Fairly relieved for someone who swears they have changed and would be clean.” Taylor dumped the cup into the toilet and flushed before throwing away the cup and removing his gloves. “Do I need to be concerned?” 

“I have a boyfriend. I don’t want to be away from him.” Kyle noticed they were still stood in the toilet and felt weird. Leading them out, Kyle smiled at Richard standing in the kitchen and acting like he was not paying attention to them. “I’m clean!” 

“I knew you would be. Not going to risk being removed from Dan.” Richard laughed as Kyle and Taylor walked further into the kitchen. “Kyle has a boyfriend. Did he tell you?” 

“He did.” Taylor nodded his head. “He use?” 

“No.” Kyle shook his head and leaned back against the counter. “Legal prescription tablets only. I met him at that treatment facility you sent me. Thank you for that.” 

“I normally do not get a 'thank you' for sending people to treatment. You are welcome.” Taylor sat on a high stool and crossed his arms. “Richard, he been showing up on time? Any issues I need to know about?” 

“No. He has been very respectful of his curfew since he returned to us. One night, I thought he was going back to old habits but he was stood outside. With Dan.” Richard gave their dinner a quick stir and then turned back to Richard. “He has been working with our eldest, Coop. Kyle is filing papers and running errands for people. Coop said his supervisor has only good things to say about him. Kyle has been respectful here as well. Kyle seems more comfortable here. He is opening up to us.” 

Kyle stood there and lowered his head. It was so awkward when adults talk about you like you are not in the room with them. At least it was all good information, but it still made Kyle want to leave the room. 

“Good to hear. He was clean with the drop. Stay clean and follow the rules. You have court next month and the plan is still to discharge you on your birthday.” Taylor stood from the stool. “Keep up this great work and I will have an easy summary report to write for court next month.” 

“I will not make you work harder.” Kyle said with a smile but dropped it when Taylor did not smile back at him. “Joking. I’m joking. Please let me stay.” 

“You are a funny one.” Taylor broke his stoic face and laughed. “I’m serious. Stay out of trouble and we can get you off papers. I heard you have been applying for uni. You are on the right track for having a decent life. I would be proud to have you as a success story. I will see myself out.” 

Kyle waited to hear the door shut and then turned to Richard. Richard was watching him out of the corner of his eye as he stirred the food. 

“I would be proud to have you as a success story as well.” Richard said casually as he continued to stir. “You already are though. At least from what I have seen from you.” 

Something burst inside Kyle and he felt the tears coming again. The first sob was a silent one but the second was loud and got Richard’s full attention. 

“Oh, Kyle.” Richard set down the stirring spoon and took two strides to stand next to him. “You want a hug?” 

Kyle attached himself to him and buried his head in Richard’s shoulder. Richard was taller than him and it made Kyle feel small again. 

Richard had broad shoulders and a strong frame. His arms held Kyle’s narrow frame against his chest and if Kyle closed his eyes hard enough, he could feel his father’s arms around him. 

Kyle’s family had been very affectionate with each other. Always sitting near one another and hugging. Placing their hands on each other. Offering comfort and familiarity. 

Kyle had gone years without that touch. 

That sense of belonging. 

He would give up a lot of things to have his father hug him again. But, if he couldn’t have his father, Richard was the second best thing for a dad hug.


	24. Comfort and condensation

“You are quiet.” Dan looked up from his notebook and looked directly at Kyle. The top half of Dan’s body was on the screen and the notebook was at the forefront. Upside down for Kyle, but it wouldn’t make any sense to Kyle even if it were directly on his screen. 

They were on Skype and had been for the past two hours. 

After an embarrassingly long, but needed, hug from Richard, Sophie came home and they ate dinner. Richard praised Kyle for his work on himself and filled Sophie in on the caseworker visit. After dinner, Kyle rushed to his room to get on the computer. 

Dan had been sharing a song idea with him and Kyle had been pressing keys here and there while he listened to Dan waffle on. Kyle bet that no one would believe him if he told them that Dan could and would talk nonstop about an idea. 

Kyle felt honoured that Dan trusted him enough to speak his mind around him. And normally Kyle would be eating up the glimpse into Dan’s thought process but the day was on Kyle’s mind. 

And Dan sat with a dark bruise on his cheek. A dark blemish on Dan’s perfect face. And so noticeable that Kyle could clearly see the reminder that people are cruel even through the crappy internet connection. 

And because people are cruel, Dan could not be with him in the room. Dan couldn’t be sat next to him and waffling on about the song. Making Kyle proud because he had healed enough that he could write on his own. 

Dan could not be here for Kyle to touch. 

Kyle didn’t realize how touch deprived he was until Dan came around and started touching him. And Kyle did not mean that in a sexual way. Which, yes please, but even simple touches. 

Dan brushing his hand through his hair. Their legs touching one another as they sat together. Holding hands. Embracing someone else. 

These were all things that Kyle had been deprived of for so long that it was a bit overwhelming to have all at once. 

And it made Kyle want it more. 

With the relationship with Dan, Kyle felt he needed to protect Dan from Kyle. Dan had enough issues of his own; he did not need Kyle coming along and adding more distress. 

Kyle had held down his emotions over the years for many reasons. One reason was that he did not have anyone that really cared to listen to him. And, even if he did, he was not ready to talk. 

But the ultimate reason was that he knew if he started to open that Pandora's box of feelings and thoughts, he would lose his head. 

Being with Dan and opening up more with others around him, Kyle felt it creeping up around him. 

He wanted to tell Dan all this, but he couldn’t because he needed to protect Dan from it. 

“I’m alright.” Kyle sat back away from the keyboard and the computer directly above it. “Long day. I worked. Was able to see you. Had to say ‘good-bye’ to you. Had my caseworker come ‘round. Just a long day.” 

“I’m sorry.” Dan looked down and hugged his right arm to his waist. “I shouldn’t have said anything to her and I would still be able to be there.” 

“It is not your fault that she hit you. Never believe that.” Kyle felt that unease raising in him and he ran his hand through his hair to attempt to regulate himself. “That is her problem. Always.” 

“Have you ever felt, like, maybe if you were different...people would like you more?” Dan was pulling at his hoody sleeve and Kyle hated that he was away from him. He wanted to hug him close and cuddle him through the night. “And they wouldn’t be so mean?” 

“Yes.” Kyle let his answer linger for a minute and then added. “I lied. I’m not alright. I have not been alright for years. Literal years. I tell people I’m alright but I lie. Or I just act like a prat and people avoid me.” 

“Same.” Dan nodded his head and raised his eyes. “Or, I don’t talk at all. People stop asking you questions if you stop talking. They move on. It is for the best. They don’t really want to hear the truth.” 

“Never do that with me.” Kyle leaned in closer to the screen to emphasize his statement. “I always want to hear the truth from you. Even if it is horrid and it might upset me. Please, always tell me the truth.” 

“You make the same promise to me.” Dan held eye contact with Kyle. “Don’t censor yourself ‘round me. I can handle the truth. I don’t expect you to always be alright and comfort me. I want to comfort you as well.” 

“Promise.” Kyle pushed away the tears. He was going to dehydrate himself if he kept this up. And exhaust himself. “I broke down crying after the caseworker left. Richard said he was proud of me and that I was a success to him. I couldn’t hold it and I cried. He asked me if I wanted a hug and I latched onto him so tight. He felt like my father. My father gave the best hugs. I miss him. Lew, he looked like my father. I hated it.” 

“Wow.” Dan sat back and put down the pencil in his hand. “I didn’t know. About Lew. I don’t know what I would have done. I like Richard and Sophie. They seem like good parents.” 

“They are.” Kyle gave a sheepish smirk. “I have been so awful to them and they turn out to be the good ones.” 

“Kyle?” Dan said after a few seconds of them staring at one another in silence. “Do you think they will adopt you?” 

“I’m almost eighteen. It won’t matter soon.” Kyle shook his head and thought it over. He didn’t know what he felt about the idea of adoption. He never wanted to replace his parents. “I will be on my own. With you, I mean. On my own with you. And the dog.” 

“I will make her love me more.” Dan laughed and it broke the seriousness of the conversation. “I will give her secret treats to counteract the secret treats you give her.” 

“Daniel, our sweet dog is going to be too portly to walk with all those treats.” Kyle had to laugh at the idea that they both would be feeding her secret treats. “We need to think of her health. Be good parents to her.” 

“Parents?” Dan’s voice raised at the end. And then he went quiet.

“You care for them. You feed them. Give them love.” Kyle nodded his head. “Arrange play dates. We will be parents to her.” 

“I like that.” Dan lowered his head and went back to writing in his notebook. 

Kyle pressed down on another key and then moved his hands properly to play something. 

There. He spoke his mind and the world did not end. 

Dan had the ridiculous idea of putting the laptop on his pillow next to his head. 

And Kyle, because he was ridiculous for Dan, put his laptop on his pillow next to his head as well. 

They spoke of nothing until they both wished each other ‘good night.’ 

Kyle almost fell asleep after he closed the laptop but then the thought of Richard and Sophie adopting him popped back into his head. 

Would they even want him? 

Did Kyle want them?

Once he was eighteen, he wouldn’t need them anymore. 

Could he just say ‘good-bye’ to them after finally opening up to them?

Did they want him to leave? 

They wouldn’t want to adopt him. They were waiting until he turned eighteen and then they could go back to their own lives. Kyle would likely be their last foster kid. They had dozens over the years. They never adopted any of the other foster children. 

It would be nice. To have parents again. 

No one could ever replace his family. Ever. 

But it would be nice to have a place to go for special events. Someone to ring with good news. Or someone to turn to with bad news. 

That thought led to all the phone calls he had been robbed from over the years. 

Birthdays and special occasions he spent alone. With foster parents but them not really feeling like home. 

Kyle had been with Richard and Sophie for close to a year. No one else wanted him because he started to act up and cause trouble with his placements. 

Kyle figured if they were going to be shit to him, he would be shit to them. Only, he had a file to document all the bad things he did and they still got their cheque. 

The placement he had before his current one, Kyle had set a little fire in the kitchen. Not on purpose, but not paying enough attention. His foster father made it look like Kyle did it on purpose. Kyle almost had charges then. But, the foster care worker took pity on him and placed him with Richard and Sophie instead. 

Apparently, Richard and Sophie were the end of the line for many children. They had a reputation of being good with working with troubled youth. 

Maybe Kyle did want them to adopt him?

Guilt washed over him right as he had the thought. 

His mum would be heartbroken if Kyle allowed someone else to be his mum. 

His father would be as well. 

Kiera would never speak to him again. Kilian either. 

Sadness layered on top of the guilt. 

They couldn’t adopt him. Kyle wouldn’t let them. 

Turning in bed, Kyle stared up at the dark ceiling and hit the bed with a closed fist. 

Anger added to his emotional cake and Kyle felt it take him over. 

Anger was easier to deal with than sadness and guilt. 

Anger, you could hit something and get it out. 

Yell and shout and get it out.

Sadness and guilt wallow around and make you ill. 

Kyle hit the bed again and decided he needed to leave. Get some of the anger out. 

Kyle put a hoody on over his head and started down the stairs. He knew which ones made noise. 

It was pitch dark except for the spots from the streetlights when he made it outside. 

He knew where he could go. 

There were always people in certain parts of the city. 

Halfway between his flat and the next, Kyle heard his name. 

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. 

He was not supposed to be out past curfew. 

They were supposed to be asleep. 

He would go. Get it out of his system and be back before Sophie woke for her morning shift. 

He had done it countless times before. Before the court was breathing down his neck at least. 

Kyle swallowed and turned to face his judgment. 

Hopefully they wouldn’t ring Taylor and tell him Kyle left the house in the middle of the night. 

That he was not someone that others needed to be proud of or think he was a success. 

He wasn’t someone you would adopt. 

“Dan?” It was cold enough that Kyle saw his breath in front of him. 

Dan was stood in a hoody and a jacket, with his breath making white fog around his face. A street light was near him and provided a surreal backlight. Almost like he was a hallucination. 

Kyle did not wait for a response and ran toward him. Hallucination or not, Kyle needed to feel Dan near him. 

Kyle’s arms wrapped around him and he felt one arm wrap around his back as well. 

He was real. 

Dan was real. 

Why was Dan here?

“You alright?” Kyle stood back and smiled at the joy on Dan’s face. Even with a massive bruise, Dan was gorgeous with a half smile on his face. 

“I missed you too much.” Dan leaned his head in and let out a breath that moved around them. “I will hide my face and be able to sleep with you.” 

Kyle leaned in as well and watched as his breath mixed in with Dan’s breath. Dan’s forehead was warm against his own. 

“Where were you going?” Dan asked after a few moments. “Why are you outside this late?” 

“It doesn’t matter.” Kyle shook his head and remembered their promise. “It doesn’t matter right now because you are here. I will tell you tomorrow.” 

Dan nodded his answer and Kyle took his hand to lead them back into his flat. 

Both took off their jackets and shoes as they entered Kyle’s room. 

Falling into bed together, Kyle pressed his head against Dan’s and smiled having him near enough to touch. 

Kyle’s hand moved around Dan’s back and under his shirt. 

Dan’s hand did the same and then all was right again. 

That touch Kyle needed. Physically needed was there and he felt like he could sleep. 

For the second time that night, they said their 'good-nights.' 

Only this time, it was going to come true. 

Any night with Dan in his bed was a good night.


	25. House plants and flat hair

Kyle felt the cold ground underneath him. Rough and unyielding as his body fell onto it. 

The dark night sky was above him and there were random lights. Kyle was not sure if they were stars or street lights. His head was too fuzzy to process them. 

Kyle was aware of his body, but nothing else except the coldness of the road. 

There were odd sounds coming from somewhere near him. Again, his brain could not process what they were. 

A few voices were off in the distance. Someone was upset. Another was shouting numbers or something to that effect. 

Kyle tried to move his body or turn his head but nothing worked. 

The smell of petrol and smoke was in the air. 

The sounds of small explosions and fire crackling. 

Kyle closed his eyes briefly and then the blue angel arrived. 

There were different sounds now.

More people shouting words that did not make any sense. 

Kyle chose to focus on the blue angel’s eyes. They were wrinkled and wise. She would know what was happening. What to do. 

Kyle felt her hand on his arm. The first thing he felt besides the cold ground underneath him in what felt like forever now. 

“Kyle.” Kyle smiled at the sound of his name on her lips. She had never known his name before. He liked that she knew now. She seemed safer now. “Kyle.” 

Kyle opened his eyes to a dark room and Sophie sat on the edge of the bed. Dan was between them, tucked close to Kyle. Dan had fallen asleep with this bruised cheek facing outward, but hopefully his bedroom was dark enough that she would not be able to see it. 

Kyle became more aware and his brain realized that Sophie was sat on his bed. Dan was between them and his hand, although underneath the blanket, was far up the back of his shirt. 

Kyle’s eyes must have gone wide because Sophie was reassuring him and telling him to remain quiet to not wake Dan. 

“It is alright.” Sophie’s voice remained low and calm. “I was checking in on you before I left for work. I didn’t know that Dan was going to spend the night again. I wanted to make sure everything was alright. Did something happen?” 

Kyle froze in place and didn’t know how to answer the question. He did not want to lie to her. Overall, yes, things were alright so he decided to answer to that. 

“He couldn’t sleep so he came here. It was late.” Kyle became even more aware of his hand underneath Dan’s shirt. It was dark, but Sophie likely saw how the blanket did not lie flat on Dan’s back. “I didn’t want to wake you. We didn’t have sex.” 

“All is well then.” Sophie gave him a smile and Kyle felt himself relax a bit more. The dream was still in the back of his mind and he almost wondered if this was a dream as well. “I’m off to work. You have the day off, right?” 

“Yes. Dan and I are going to stay here. I will leave a note if we leave.” Kyle realized he was talking fast so he made an effort to slow down his speech. “I will be back before curfew.” 

“There is food in the house.” Sophie raised her hand and hesitated right before it reached Kyle’s head. “You seem off, is it alright if I touch you?” 

“Not right now please.” Kyle didn’t want anyone’s hands on him besides Dan’s. Sophie listened and moved the raised hand back to her lap. “Thank you for asking first.” 

“You have a right to consent to who touches you.” Sophie smiled and stood. “I will be late tonight. Mandatory meeting after work. Will Dan be eating with us?” 

“I don’t know.” Kyle looked up to her but it was harder to see her face now due to the limited light in the room. “Can he?” 

“Dan is welcome anytime.” Sophie moved toward the door and paused right before she left. “I would like to meet Dan’s guardian. Is that possible?” 

“I will ask Dan.” Kyle gave her the answer and she nodded her head. The light from the hallway giving Kyle a back light on her. 

“Have a good day.” Sophie closed the door behind her and Kyle let out the breath he had been holding. 

Looking to Dan’s face, he saw two wide eyes looking back at him. 

“Did she notice?” Dan’s voice shook as he asked the question. “Is that why she wants to meet her? She cannot meet my auntie. No.” 

“I don’t think she saw. It is hard to see in this light.” Kyle shook his head and moved his hand down Dan’s back and then back up in a slow movement. “She is a parent that likes to know who her children interact with and their families. She never had to with me before, but I have seen her with others. I don’t think she saw your face.” 

“Will she be upset? That she cannot meet her? Will she make me not be allowed to stay here?” Dan’s voice went higher and faster as he spoke. “Will she say that you cannot come to mine?” 

“I don’t know.” Kyle kissed Dan’s forehead and then the corner of his mouth, avoiding any part affected by the bruise. “She likes you. I don’t think she will say that.” 

“I have to be able to see you.” Dan’s fingers dug into Kyle’s back, almost making his skin hurt from the pressure. “My auntie will not talk to her and I don’t want them talking. She is not a nice woman. She will say bad things about me.” 

“It will be alright.” Kyle moved his legs in closer to Dan’s and continued the even movement up and down his back. “My foster mother knows how to read people. Even if they do meet, she will be able to read your auntie. Sophie will understand.”

“It is only eight more months.” Dan’s fingers lessened a bit and he moved his legs closer to Kyle’s as well. “Eight more months and I will have my money. My freedom. We will go to uni. Get our own place. A dog to love. House plants. I want house plants. My auntie will ruin that if she meets Sophie.” 

“That is our future. No one is going to take it away from us.” Kyle moved his hand from underneath Dan’s shirt and up to his hair. Brushing down some stray locks, Kyle grinned. “House plants?” 

“It is good for the air quality.” Dan nodded his head and gave him a half grin back. “We will need to teach Ginni not to eat the plants. Dogs do that. She will learn to respect the plants.” 

“Okay. You teach her that.” Kyle let out a soft laugh. “I will teach her to make friends with the squirrels in the park.” 

“Dogs and squirrels are not friends, Kyle.” Dan returned the soft laugh and his body relaxed. Allowing Kyle’s body to relax as well. “Don’t be ridiculous.” 

“I have heard my name a lot recently.” Kyle traced around Dan’s ear and then down his throat. “I like it best when you say it. Why is that? Why does it sound the best from your lips?” 

“Because you know I say it with love.” Dan kissed Kyle’s cheek and then the corner of his mouth. “And that I love you.” 

“You do?” Kyle closed his eyes and felt the sense of peace from being near Dan return more. “Funny thing, I love you as well. Imagine that.” 

“I don’t have to imagine it. I feel it when you touch me. When you kiss me. When you smile at me.” Dan’s hand moved up Kyle’s back and found a scar to trace. “I love your smile. And your eyes. And your nose. Mouth. You have a well good face.” 

“This ole thing?” Kyle let out a genuine laugh and then a shiver as Dan’s finger moved over his spine and to another scar. “I had a dream before Sophie woke me. It was about the car accident. There was a woman there. She...I don’t remember much, but she had blue emergency lights on her. Wrinkles in her eyes. She made me believe everything was going to be alright. It wasn’t, not really. But in that moment, I felt like it was. You do that for me more than anyone I have ever met.” 

Dan lowered his head and then kissed Kyle’s shoulder to his neck. Dan’s hand was still on his back but now moving lower. Once it reached the waistband of his joggers, his fingers pressed down and underneath his clothes. 

Dan’s hand was warm as he cupped his bum. Dan kept his hand there and looked to Kyle in the semi dark. “You make me feel safe for once in my life. Even before my parents died, I struggled with feeling safe. Struggled with my thoughts and figuring things out. You are like this big magnet of safety and I am so attracted to you. My body and mind feel so much better when I’m near you.” 

“My body likes being near you as well.” Kyle kissed his nose and then his mouth, letting their lips press against one another but not move. After three seconds, Kyle moved his head back. “No one is going to take you away from me. Of me from you. Ever.” 

“I believe you.” Dan closed his eyes and let out a quick yawn. “It’s early yet. Let’s sleep before tomorrow comes.” 

“We have all day tomorrow.” Kyle kissed his mouth again and closed his eyes. Dan kept his hand on Kyle’s bum and Kyle moved his hand down to Dan’s lower back. “Rest well, love.” 

Dan let out a sound that seemed to say he was half asleep but agreed. Kyle closed his eyes and went through a grounding activity before falling back asleep as well. 

They slept in until around ten and both woke up rushing to use the toilet. 

Dan reached the door first and went in with a grin.

After Kyle finished and they both brushed their teeth, Dan kissed Kyle and moved his hand back to where it was when they fell asleep the second time. 

Only this time, Dan used it to pull Kyle in closer to him. Dan was hard. And because Kyle was an adolescent male with a fit bloke with his hand on his bum and hardness against him, Kyle was instantly hard as well. 

Kyle moved his hand down and copied Dan, cupping his bum underneath his pants and pulling him in close. 

Dan’s tongue moved further into his mouth and Kyle let out a happy sigh. Before he realized what he was doing, he was pulling Dan’s joggers and pants down. 

As they fell to the bath floor, Dan broke the kiss and looked at Kyle with hooded eyes. “Your turn.” 

Kyle removed his shirt first, quickly pulling it over his head and then he moved down his joggers and pants in one go. 

Standing naked in front of him, he felt Dan’s eyes move down his chest and to his waist before going lower. Dan’s eyes lingered and Kyle could hear himself breathing. 

Dan pulled his shirt off with his eyes still on Kyle and Kyle had the pleasure of taking in the full sight of him. 

The light freckles and scars. None of them looked new and Kyle made a mental note that Dan had said being with Kyle worked better than his medication. 

“I want to touch you.” Dan raised his eyes to Kyle’s face and Kyle took his eyes away from Dan’s hard dick. “Can I touch you?” 

“We could...take a shower together.” Kyle looked to the shower over Dan’s shoulder and then back to his face. “We can touch each other all we want in there.” 

Dan nodded his head and took a side step to allow Kyle to start the water. 

Kyle felt Dan’s hand on his back as Kyle reached out his hand to check the water temperature. It was still too cold to enter so he lowered his hand and smiled at Dan. 

“You are gorgeous.” Dan smiled back giving Kyle a compliment that Kyle only believed because it was coming from Dan. Kyle was very aware of how hard he was under Dan’s eyes and he wondered if Dan meant that as well. “All of you. Head to toe. I like looking at you. Touching you. I have never touched someone so much.” 

“You are saying everything I am thinking as well.” Kyle stepped in and gave Dan a kiss. Dan opened his mouth just enough that Kyle could brush his tongue against Dan’s and then he moved his hand out blindly to test the water temperature. Removing himself from Dan’s lips, Kyle said with a lower register, “Water is warm.” 

Dan stepped in and Kyle followed him closely. As Kyle closed the curtain and turned to face Dan, Dan wasted no time putting his hands back on him. 

Dan had his hand on Kyle’s back and then back to his bum before moving to his front. As Dan gave him a squeeze, Kyle realized that he was meant to touch Dan as well and he moved his hand down to touch him. 

The water was warm on Kyle’s back but not as warm as Dan’s hand on him. 

Stepping back so they were both under the water, Kyle increased his grip on Dan and allowed the wetness of their skin to help in his movement. 

Kyle felt his knees buckle as Dan’s hand moved up and down faster. 

Blindly leaning into Dan’s face, Kyle was surprised he found lips and opened his mouth to allow Dan’s tongue to enter. 

Everything was warm and wonderful for a few more seconds and then Dan was panting against his mouth, saying his name and making Kyle lose all sense of control. 

He did not believe he was going to last long, but he was happy Dan came as quickly as he did. 

Kyle was not sure when the urgency to go fast would cease, but maybe they could explore more later in the day. 

Kyle gave Dan one last kiss and moved back to allow the water to wash away the evidence of their shared experience. 

Brushing his hair back off his face, Kyle smiled and moved so Dan was underneath the water. Dan’s hair instantly went flat and Kyle felt his face hurt from smiling so much. 

“The water takes away some of your height.” Kyle watched as Dan brushed back his hair and Kyle was blessed with yet another look on Dan. Slicked back hair and water droplets moving down his face and chest. Then a thought hit him. “I’m the only one that has ever seen you like this.” 

“Am I the only one that has seen you like that?” Dan countered and stepped away from the water. 

Kyle reached for shampoo and put some in his hand before offering some to Dan. “Yes. Of course.” 

“Same.” Dan took the offered shampoo and moved it through his hair as Kyle did the same. “Who else would see this?” 

“Hopefully only me.” Kyle took in the full sight of Dan again. This time with flat, soapy hair and a wet body. He was no longer hard and, for whatever reason, it felt even more intimate that Kyle was able to see Dan this way. 

Completely vulnerable and open for Kyle to take in with his eyes. 

“I have no plans to bath with anyone else. Likely, ever.” Dan moved underneath the water to wash out his hair and Kyle could only watch in awe. 

Dan was his to watch forever. 

“They would have to fight me off. I have a good swing.” Kyle moved under the water and washed out the shampoo as Dan’s eyes stayed on him. Kyle found he liked the feeling of Dan watching him about as much as he liked watching Dan. “Just ask Frank.” 

“No, thank you.” Dan let out a laugh and then abruptly stopped. “Do you think he found Will? Are they living their happily ever after somewhere right now?” 

“I hope so.” Kyle smiled and pulled Dan in closer to him to hug. They were both wet and their skin slid against one another. “I hope they are as happy as we are.”

“Same, but it would be nearly impossible.” Dan’s arms wrapped around Kyle’s back and one sneaked down to Kyle’s bum. “We are like next level happy.” 

“Are we?” Kyle said as he moved his hand down as well. It was not fair that only Dan was allowed to touch. “Top level happy.” 

“Even more than that.” Dan kissed Kyle’s throat and moved back. “I need conditioner or my hair goes a mess.” 

“That is your hair not a mess?” Kyle teased and had Dan tickle his side in response. “Mercy. Mercy.” 

“Keep your rude hair comments to yourself.” Dan laughed and used the offered conditioner. It smelled sweet as it was Sophie’s. “You love my hair.” 

“It is attached to you, so yes.” Kyle kept his eyes on Dan’s face as he closed his eyes and washed out the conditioner from his hair. Bruise or not, Dan was gorgeous and his to love. 

Smiling as Dan threw some water at him, Kyle knew things were going to be alright. Maybe not right away, but they were headed in the right direction.


	26. User

After taking an extraordinary amount of time in the shower and almost as long dressing, Dan and Kyle made their way to the kitchen. 

Kyle was walking backward with his hand attached to Dan because he simply couldn’t bear not looking at him for the short distance it took from his room upstairs to the kitchen downstairs. 

“You are going to fall.” Dan said in a teasing yet worried tone. “Please don’t fall down the stairs.” 

“I am a gravity master.” Kyle gave a smirk up to Dan and stepped down half a second sooner than he needed. He stopped himself, and likely Dan, from falling by holding onto the railing with his other hand. “See? Master.” 

“You are going to send me to hospital.” Dan had a strong worried look on his face now. “Or worse, you will break something important and I won’t be able to cuddle you to sleep.” 

“Fear not.” Kyle stepped down onto the floor and waited for Dan to take the last step as well. “Your cuddle buddy is in one piece.”

“Your cuddle buddy is hungry.” Dan gave him a smile with half his face and pushed on Kyle’s hand to get him to go in the direction of the kitchen. As Kyle continued his walk backward, Dan let out a soft giggle and it made almost falling down the stairs worth it. “You are so weird.” 

“I know the way. I want to stay looking at you.” Kyle turned at the right moment to enter the kitchen and watched as Dan’s smile dropped. Dan stepped in closer to Kyle and buried his head in Kyle’s shoulder, pulling his hood up to cover his drying hair. 

Kyle froze in place and felt Dan shaking against him. Unlike when they were in the shower, this was not a pleasant sign. 

Whispering into his covered head, Kyle asked, “Is there a murder in the kitchen?” 

“Good afternoon, lads.” Richard’s deep voice filled the silence of the flat and allowed Kyle to put the situation into context. “You look and smell very clean. Is there any hot water left in London?” 

Dan’s shaking increased at Richard’s implication and he felt Dan’s hand pull at his hood to cover his head more. 

“Good afternoon, Richard.” Kyle attempted to keep the shock and slight panic out of his voice. Turning his head to look over his shoulder, and Dan’s head, Kyle commented, “Didn’t know you were home today.”

“I bet not.” Richard laughed and Kyle saw him coming closer to them. “Good afternoon, Dan. No need to hide from me. I am not upset. I was an adolescent myself some time ago. I only ask that you are safe and communicate with one another to avoid rushing into a situation the other is not ready for due to the heat of the moment.” 

“Good afternoon, Richard.” Dan’s voice was soft but Kyle was proud of him for speaking. The shaking appeared to be under control but Kyle knew he was not going to raise his head with Richard around them. 

Richard was the most wonderful person on the planet because he acted like Dan’s behaviour was completely ordinary and asked them about their plans for the day. 

“We might go for a walk after eating. Maybe go to Dan’s for a few hours.” Kyle rubbed his hand up and down Dan’s back. The hand that was still holding Dan’s was going numb from the pressure Dan had on it. “Nothing really has been planned. Lazy day without the eyes of the counsellors.” 

“Sounds brilliant.” Richard stepped around them and raised his eyebrow at Kyle, looking down at Dan. “I am off to the office. Needed to come home for an extended break because I forgot an important paper this morning.” 

Kyle mouthed that Dan was fine and then told Richard he would see him later that night. 

Richard made a point to shut the door with a bit more force than needed to signal he had left. 

Even with that cue, Dan still stayed hidden on Kyle’s shoulder. 

Kyle kissed the fabric of the hoody and waited for Dan to raise his head. After a few more seconds, he was provided with the full panic face of Dan. 

“Richard is proving himself to be a fair human specimen.” Kyle smiled and looked down toward the joined hands. “I love holding your hand but I need the blood to return to my fingers.” 

“I’m sorry.” Dan released the tight grip and looked over Kyle’s shoulder and then behind him. “I didn’t expect him to be in the kitchen. Do you think he saw?” 

“No.” Kyle shook his head and stepped in closer to hug Dan back to him. “He was only teasing us about the shower. Sophie is a mum so she has to say the bit about no sex. Richard understands. But he is a dad so he has to make us squirm. It helps with bonding; I have heard.” 

“My heart is beating so fast.” Dan’s arms wrapped around Kyle’s lower back and Kyle could feel Dan’s heart pounding through his hoody. “Is my face healing? Or is it worse? How much longer will I have to hide?” 

“We can tell them it was an accident. That I hit you while we were sleeping. Or during one of your horrid films.” Kyle laughed as Dan pushed away from him. 

“Horror. Get it right.” Dan’s face was still panic but Kyle could tell he was coming back to himself. 

“Ginni will hate _horrid_ films.” Kyle teased and smiled as Dan’s face continued to return as Kyle spoke about their future. “She will hide under the covers with me and you will need to comfort both of us.” 

“She will love them.” Dan laughed and more of his natural face returned. “I will teach her they are only moving pictures on the screen. Based on someone’s creativity. She will appreciate them as living art.” 

“Sure.” Kyle laughed and went about making them something to eat. 

They ate without hurry and decided to take the long walk to Dan’s flat. 

On the way, they pointed out random shops and places in the city of significance to them with their free hands. 

“She isn’t home.” Dan opened the door and peeked inside to conform. “She shouldn’t be home until late. If at all.” 

“If I didn’t have this stupid curfew, I would stay with you here all night. We could pretend like it is our flat and that we are grown.” Kyle dropped their hands and hugged Dan from behind. Holding him close to his chest, Kyle pointed to a spot near the wall. “Our first plant we own together will go on that wall. The dog will knock it over running into the flat until we buy a stand so it is out of her way.” 

“She will knock over the stand. Come on gravity master. Something falls from a taller height, what will happen?” Dan covered Kyle’s arm with his hand to keep him close. “Because I am not cleaning up that mess every day.” 

“We will hang it from the ceiling. Tall enough that she cannot reach it.” Kyle pointed to the large window on the other side of the room. “You will study there to get the best light. You will have loads of old, dusty books to read. I will play you my latest creation from my studies.” 

“I will be distracted by your playing and stop to teach you the right way to do it.” Dan turned in Kyle’s arms and looked into his eyes. “You really believe we will have this future, right?” 

Something about the combination of Dan’s tone and eyes made Kyle think that Dan only thought Kyle was humouring him. That he didn’t want the future as much as Dan did. 

“I believe with my whole heart that we will have this future.” Kyle nodded his head and gave Dan a gentle kiss before stepping back. “Less than a year and we have so much planning to do.” 

“Want to watch a film and write out our plans?” Dan asked, turning to walk toward his room without waiting for Kyle’s answer. “I have a notebook we can use.”

“One without your scribbles and doodles?” Kyle followed Dan closely behind as they went up the stairs. “I am surprised.”

“You are mean today.” Dan said without any malice in his voice. “I will punish you by picking the scariest film to watch.” 

“I will literally be underneath your top hiding.” Kyle paused at Dan’s door. Dan turned to look at him. “So really, win win for us.” 

“You.” Dan shook his head and entered his room. “What am I going to do with you?” 

“Love me forever and ever.” Kyle sat down on the bed and followed Dan with his eyes as he went underneath his bed. “Oh, under the bed secrets. Intriguing.” 

“If you call notebooks intriguing, yes.” Dan pulled out a stack of notebooks and seemed confused when Kyle’s eyes opened wider. “What, I have a lot to say. I don’t talk so I write.” 

“I want to read every one.” Kyle leaned over the bed and watched as Dan pulled out another stack of notebooks. “Seriously, wrap them up for Christmas and I will be a happy lad.” 

“Pick any one.” Dan sat back on his calves and scanned the notebooks in front of them. “I trust you.” 

“Really?” Kyle moved off the bed and down to the floor. There were what appeared to be fifty notebooks for him to choose from. “Any one? Like, do I get only one period. Or only one for now?” 

“Only one for now.” Dan crossed his arms over his stomach and let out a short laugh. “Don’t come crying to me when you find they are all right boring.” 

“Rubbish.” Kyle closed his eyes and reached out his hand, blindly grabbing for the first one he touched. Opening his eyes with his prize in his hand, he smiled down at the blue notebook. “Picked the best one. I am sure of it.” 

“Again, don’t get your hopes up.” Dan laughed and must have found a blank one because he was not pushing the notebooks back underneath his bed. 

Dan thankfully found a romantic comedy to put on the large screen and they went through a list of future plans. Both wants and needs. The typical story line of boy meets girl and falls in love with girl continued on the screen but they paid it little mind. 

As the film finished with the predictable ending, Kyle bounced up from his spot next to Dan on the sofa and asked if he wanted anything to drink. 

Dan nodded his head and continued making lists of items they would need to buy for the dog. From the size of the list, the dog would be more pampered than the royal dogs. 

Kyle zoomed down the stairs and into the kitchen. He had been there long enough last time that he knew where things generally were to make them both drinks. 

As he was filling their drinking glasses with water, Kyle heard the door open and close. 

Looking up, Kyle saw an older looking woman with straight dark hair and bright red rimmed glasses. She was dressed in head to toe black and appeared very upset that Kyle was in her kitchen. 

“Daniel!” She shouted throughout the flat and Kyle felt the force of her voice shake the water in his hand. 

Dan appeared as the woman was walking in closer to the kitchen. She placed her bag on a kitchen chair and crossed her arms as Dan slowly made his way down the stairs.

Kyle knew Dan enough by now that Dan walking so slow with that look on his face meant that the situation was not good. 

As Dan reached the bottom step, she asked, “Care to explain?” 

“This is Kyle.” Dan took three more steps and then stopped. Dan stayed in the kitchen but the furthest away from his auntie. Kyle felt abandoned but then he was reminded of the bruise on Dan’s cheek. The one that was turning green around the edges. “The boy I stayed with the other night. And last night.” 

“That was discussed.” Kyle felt a chill from her tone and had to set down the glass. He didn’t trust himself to not drop it. “I knew you were stupid, but I didn’t believe you would blatantly disobey me.” 

“I couldn’t...couldn’t sleep.” Dan’s eyes went down and Kyle wanted to move to be next to him. To give him support. But something told him that he needed to remain right where he was near the sink. 

“That gives you no right to disobey me.” Dan’s auntie removed her jacket and placed it over her bag before turning back to Dan. “I open my home to you. Give you anything you could possibly wish for at your age. That, even after what you did. You repay my kindness and generosity with lying to me.”

“Didn’t lie.” Dan shook his head and pulled at his sleeve. His eyes had yet to move from the spot he was staring at on the floor. 

“That is all you do is lie.” Dan’s aunt let out a sigh of disgust. “Lie about the accident. Lie about your arms. Lie about whether you are taking your medication. Lie about whether you take my things. Lie about saying you appreciate me and all that I do for you. All lies. It is no wonder I try to avoid coming home if at all possible. But, the government says that I have an obligation to provide you shelter and guidance until you are of age.” 

“I can leave.” Dan pulled harder at his sleeve and then moved his right hand underneath his left sleeve. “Sign the cheque and I will leave. I won't tell anyone.” 

“There he goes, being ungrateful and stupid again. I cannot allow you to be on your own.” Dan’s auntie let out a snort as she started walking toward the other side of the flat. “Kyle is to leave before I return.” 

She went out of view and then a door was closed. 

Kyle rushed to Dan’s side but Dan pulled away from him. 

“You should go. She is in a mood.” Dan’s hand stilled its movement underneath his opposite sleeve and he looked up briefly. “We can Skype tonight. Please go.” 

“Dan.” Dan’s eyes came up again and Dan shook his head. “I don’t want to leave you alone here.” 

“I’m fine. She will see that you are gone and believe she won.” Dan removed his hand from his sleeve and looked at her door before leaning in closer and kissing Kyle. It was brief and Kyle felt Dan’s lip quivering slightly against his own. “If you stay, she will only get more obnoxious and dig her heels in more. I love you. Please leave.” 

“Tonight. Eight o’clock?” Kyle received a nod of Dan’s head and Kyle turned to leave. Right before he reached the door, Kyle turned. “Keep the notebook for me. It is upstairs. I want to read it.” 

“You can read all of them.” Dan looked toward his auntie’s door and then back to Kyle. “I will talk to you tonight.” 

Kyle hesitated at the door. He could bring Dan with him to his foster parents. They could ring the local council and report her. Kyle’s foster parents would foster Dan until he was eighteen. Dan would sleep in his room and be able to sleep. 

“Please.” Dan begged and Kyle left, slowly closing the door behind him. 

Letting out a long breath, Kyle started down the step leading to the pavement and stopped. Turning back to the large flat in front of him, Kyle told himself he couldn’t go. Dan was inside and who knows what she would do with him. 

Or what Dan would do to himself. 

He had his hand raised to ring the bell when he told himself to go home. 

Home. 

Kyle wasn’t sure if he ever believed Sophie and Richard’s flat was his home. 

It sure the hell was not whatever was happening inside Dan’s flat.


	27. Side Effects

Pushing around the potatoes on his plate, Kyle’s mind was on Dan and the odd interaction with his auntie. 

Dan had told Kyle that she was only like that every now and then, but that did not seem like a fluke. And Dan already had the bruise on his face. Was she like that all the time? 

Kyle had his fair share of crappy foster care placements, but no one in his family that ever treated him like that. Like he was stupid. Sure, the random fosters he could call pricks in his head and move on. But, his own aunt? 

“My potatoes are quite fascinating.” Richard seemed to be talking to Kyle so he moved his eyes off his plate and looked up to find both Sophie and Richard watching him. “Did you and Dan eat earlier and you are not hungry?”

Kyle shrugged his shoulder. He knew that Dan did not want him talking about what happened today. He could barely take the split second Richard might have seen his face. If Kyle told them about what he witnessed, Dan would be upset. 

“Missing Dan?” Sophie asked casually before taking a sip of her water. “I thought Dan was going to eat with us tonight.” 

“His auntie is home.” Kyle took a bite of the potatoes because their eyes were still on him and he really had not eaten anything on his plate. The potatoes seemed like the easiest bet. 

“We would like to meet her.” Richard took a bite of his meat and then chewed while waiting for a reply. 

“I forgot to ask Dan.” Kyle hated lying to them but technically he did not ask him. Dan overheard Sophie when she thought Dan was asleep. “His auntie is busy with work. Dan says sometimes she doesn’t come home for days.” 

“That must be lonesome.” Richard took a drink of his water and looked toward Sophie. “We could schedule out with her. Maybe right before Christmas? She must have time off for Christmas.” 

“That would be lovely.” Sophie nodded her response and looked toward Kyle. 

“What?” Kyle felt himself getting agitated and he really wanted the topic to end. Kyle pushed around the potatoes more and snapped out the rest. “She is busy. I will ask him. I don’t understand why you need to meet her so urgently.” 

“Dan seems like someone special to you. Someone that might be in your life for some time.” Sophie’s voice remained calm and not flustered by Kyle’s attitude. 

“Dan is going to be in my life for a long time. You will have plenty of time to meet her before I leave in February.” Kyle set down his fork and pushed his chair away from the table. “May I be excused?” 

“Kyle, you are not expected to move out as soon as you turn eighteen. We would like you to stay as long as you would like.” Richard looked to Sophie and then back to Kyle. “Sophie and I have grown quite fond of you.” 

“The money ends when I turn eighteen. You should know that.” Kyle felt his neck getting warm and he wanted to leave the table. “You don’t get anything out of me staying any longer.” 

“Kyle, we do not need the money.” Sophie set down her fork and smiled at him. “We don’t foster for the money. We would like for you to stay as long as you need. Or want to stay. Honest.” 

Kyle couldn’t keep his eyes on them so he looked down to his hands and asked again with less bite. “May I be excused?” 

“Leave your dishes. I will take care of them when I clear.” Richard gave Kyle permission to leave and Kyle out of his chair and up the stairs before Richard finished his sentence. 

Kyle found the laptop and plugged it in before checking the time. It was still early so he messed around with the keyboard until it was time to log on. 

Thoughts of what happened at Dan’s house and what happened at the dinner table keep moving through his head but he pushed them away. It was too much and Kyle couldn’t focus on that right now. 

Eight o’clock came and went with Kyle sat staring at the computer screen. 

Eight thirty came and went with Kyle checking to make sure the internet was working correctly. 

Nine o’clock came with Kyle pacing in front of the computer and wondering if he should break his curfew and check on Dan. 

At quarter past nine, the doorbell rang and Kyle instantly raced to the door. Sophie and Richard popped their head out their bedroom door but Kyle did not stop to talk to them. 

Almost falling on the last step, Kyle told himself to calm down and he took a deep breath as he opened the front door. 

Dan stood in front of the door with his hood up over his head and his eyes down to his feet. There was blood on the front of his purple hoody and Kyle reached out to find out where the blood was coming from. 

“Dan?” Kyle stepped in closer as his hand went up to Dan’s upper arm. “Please look at me.” 

Dan slowly rose his head and Kyle found dried blood on his face. The blood covered the bruise on his cheek and Kyle felt his heart drop. There was blood all the way up to Dan’s hairline. 

“What happened?” Kyle moved his hand slowly toward Dan’s face and held underneath his chin. Dan looked lost, like he really was not behind his eyes. Kyle had seen that look before when Dan was talking about cutting his arms when they were at the treatment facility. It freaked Kyle out that Dan could talk without any inflection in his voice about such a serious topic. “Please talk to me.” 

“My head hurts.” Dan stepped in closer and leaned his head down to rest on Kyle’s shoulder. The side without blood was pressed into Kyle’s shirt. Kyle waited for Dan to say more or to wrap his arms around him, but Dan stood still with his head on him. 

“What happened to make your head hurt like that?” Kyle kept the panic out of his voice and focused on breathing evenly to model a sense of calm for Dan. “Did you do something to your head?” 

Kyle knew Dan had a habit of taking out his emotions on himself. Only he hoped that Dan had not graduated to hurting his head due to frustration or sadness or a loss of control. 

“No.” Dan said with a shaky voice. Kyle wasn’t sure which one freaked him out more: Dan’s voice with no emotion or Dan’s voice with such fear. “I think I hurt her. I think I might have hurt her bad.” 

“Kyle? Dan?” Sophie’s voice was calm and Kyle wanted her to hug them both and make everything better. “Loves, come inside and shut the door.”

Kyle kept his hand on Dan’s lower back as he moved them into the house and out of the doorway. The door shut behind them and Kyle turned to plead with Sophie to make everything all better. 

“He is hurt.” Kyle lost that sense of control and he felt the wetness in his eyes as he looked toward Sophie walking closer to them. “He is bleeding. There is blood.” 

“Dan?” Sophie stopped just out of reach and seemed to be waiting for a response from him. When it didn’t come, she tried again. “Dan, love, I want to look at your head. Can I do that?” 

Dan didn’t respond verbally but he gave a slight nod to his head as it stayed on Kyle’s shoulder. 

“Kyle, love, move back his hood for me. Gently.” Sophie watched as Kyle slowly moved Dan’s hood back and they found the source of the blood on Dan’s clothing. “It stopped bleeding. That is a good sign. We need to clean that and see if you needed further medical attention.” 

“No hospitals.” Dan stepped into Kyle more and his breathing increased. “No hospitals.” 

“Dan, I’m a nurse.” Sophie turned on a light near them and looked closer at Dan’s head. “We can clean it here and go from there. Alright? Come now. I need more light. Richard, will you get the kit and meet us in the kitchen.” 

Kyle guided Dan to the kitchen with little resistance. Once there, Kyle leaned back against the counter near a bright overhead light. 

Looking down, Kyle found there was a lot of dried blood on Dan’s head. The blood matted into his hair and made most of his hair on the left side cling to his head.

“Okay, love, worst part.” Sophie wiped around Dan’s hairline with a wet cloth with care. She had put on gloves and was standing close to both of them as she worked on cleaning the area. Dapping around the area to clean it, Sophie paused and moved the reddened cloth closer to her face. “Dan, you have glass in your hair.” 

Dan nodded his head and leaned in more, adding his body weight to Kyle’s as they stood against the counter. 

“Dan, why do you have glass in your hair?” Kyle’s brain was going through so many worst case scenarios and he seriously worried Dan had escalated his self-harm behaviours. 

“The water glasses were left out.” Dan’s arm moved around Kyle’s back and he let out a long breath against Kyle’s throat. “She was upset. She came to my room and threw them at me. The first one missed and hit the wall. The second hit my head.” 

“I’m going to clean it more.” Sophie kept an even tone and went back to work. After it seemed like she had all of the mini glass pieces and most of the blood out of Dan’s hair, she assessed the cut. “You need stitches, love. I can do them here, but it is going to hurt.” 

“Doesn’t matter.” Dan let out another sigh. “Don’t feel it anymore. Side effect of hurting yourself so much.” 

Sophie went about stitching up Dan’s head and then cleaning the rest of his face. She was extra careful with the bruise that was revealed as the blood was removed. When she was through, Sophie quietly told Kyle to move them to the lounge. 

Kyle sat on the sofa and Dan followed suit, his head finding the same place on Kyle’s shoulder to rest. Dan’s hand found the front of Kyle’s top and held on tight, as if Kyle was going to leave him.

Kyle looked down at Dan’s head and found that Sophie had completed a tight line of sutures starting at Dan’s hairline and moving back into his hair. 

Richard walked in right before Sophie did and they both sat facing the sofa. 

“Tell us what happened.” Richard’s tone was somber yet somehow warm. “That bruise on his face is not new. We would like to help.” 

“She gets like this sometimes. She is stressed and she doesn’t manage it well.” Dan spoke slowly and took a deep breath in between his sentences. 

Kyle felt his body respond to Dan’s words and he knew he needed to say something. That was not typical stressed behaviour. What he had witnessed as a guest in their home was not alright. 

“Has she done something like this before?” Sophie and her gentle tone of voice. She could make the most horrible questions sound pleasant. “Has she hurt you before?” 

“Not really. She never threw anything at me before now.” Dan let out another long breath. The emotionless inflection was back in his voice, like he was talking about something benign. “She mostly shouts at me. Tells me horrible things. Sometimes she hits. Never throws things at me.” 

“She is horrible to him.” Kyle found his voice and broke his silence. Feeling his voice rise as he spoke, Kyle found he had a lot to say. “She calls him stupid and ungrateful. And that is with me standing there. I can only imagine what she calls him when no one is ‘round. She blames him for the accident that killed his parents. The bruise on his cheek was from the other day. She hit him then as well. He told me it doesn’t happen all the time and he only needed to make it a few more months. He will be eighteen soon and he can move away from her.” 

“I hurt her. This time I hurt her.” Dan spoke into Kyle’s chest and pressed his fisted hand into Kyle’s stomach. “I was so angry. I pushed her in rage and she fell. Backwards. She was bleeding from her head. I left. I wanted to come here. Everyone is so nice here.” 

“We will ring the council and have them do a welfare check on her.” Sophie looked toward Richard and then back to Kyle. “Kyle, love, you keep him awake for me and we will be back.”

Sophie and Richard left right as Dan started to speak into Kyle’s chest. “Tell me about our future.” 

Kyle swallowed his feelings and brushed down Dan’s hair on the back of his head. His other hand rested on top of Dan’s fist in his shirt. “My professor gave me a new assignment today and I need your help on it. Ginni will start howling if I keep playing it like this. You take a break from your studies and help me. Please?” 

“I have an exam next week, but I will do anything to help you.” Dan’s voice went softer and slower as he spoke. 

“Stay awake with me. Please. I need to get this right.” Kyle stopped moving his hand through Dan’s hair and moved it underneath Dan’s chin to raise his head up. “I cannot afford to fail out of my courses. I need your help. Don’t fall asleep on me or I will have to fail out of uni.” 

“You are brilliant. You cannot fail at uni.” Dan smiled at him and gave him an air kiss. “Kiss for luck.” 

“I don’t need luck if I have you.” Kyle smiled back and felt his central nervous system calming down. Dan was sat next to him and safe. Dan was smiling at him. All was going to be well. “I love you.” 

“I love the dog.” Dan teased and lessened his grip on Kyle’s shirt. “Maybe more than you.” 

“I will gladly play second fiddle to the dog if you stay awake and talk to me.” Kyle kissed Dan’s right cheek and then asked, “Did you take her for a walk today? Ginni loves playing with her squirrel friends in the park.” 

“No. We can work on your assignment and all go for a walk in the park.” Dan closed his eyes and kept them closed for a few seconds before opening them. “She will chase the squirrels and it is your job to get her away from the tree. Last time, people laughed at me.” 

“Let them laugh.” Kyle smiled. “I love you more than the dog.” 

“I love you more than the dog.” Dan repeated and laid his head back on Kyle’s shoulder as he continued on about their day in the park.


	28. Inside their head

Kyle laid out clothes for Dan on his bed before helping him remove the hoody and shirt over his head. The stitches were sensitive and Dan was quite exhausted, making the task a two person job. 

The police officer had taken photos of Dan’s head and hoody for evidence. Now Dan’s clothes would lie on the floor, balled up tight to attempt to hide the evidence on them. 

In their place were Kyle’s clothes and Dan gave a smile as he smoothed down Kyle’s shirt on his chest before climbing into bed with Kyle. 

Dan had followed Kyle around the flat since entering their home that night. Not wanting to be alone and enjoying the comforting presence of a person that loved him. 

His auntie was taken to hospital. She was unconscious when the police officers arrived and took her to the hospital for examination. They asked Dan if there were any medical conditions to be concerned with and Dan had shook his head. The officer mentioned the concern with the smell of alcohol on her breath and Dan nodded his head in agreement. 

Dan had been helpful to them in the beginning, but as the questioning went on and Dan grew more tired, his responses were less and less. After forty minutes of questioning, Dan stopped talking and simply would nod or shake his head for a response. 

Dan was allowed to stay with Kyle because Sophie and Richard had an active foster care license. Otherwise, he would have had to go to a placement or his sister would need to be summoned. 

That was better than the last time the police were involved. At that time, Dan was ordered to the treatment facility for concern for his safety and others.

It was then that Dan met Chris for the first time. 

Dan let an alter take the majority of control during that stay. It was for the best. Dan was in no condition to function as lead following the altercation with his auntie. 

She had gone on one of her insult parades and Dan snapped, allowing the most aggressive alter to take control and throw things about. The alter destroyed most of the kitchen and dining room before the police arrived. 

Given his mental state, the police brought Dan to hospital rather than put him in custody. 

Dan let the weakest alter take over and him and the rest sat back during most of the first treatment stay. 

That alter was weak and not all that chatty. Once they found the music room and Kathy, Dan felt himself settling into the placement. 

The weakest alter went through the day and therapy sessions quietly with Lew. Dan spoke to Kathy at night and played music. A few of the other alters stayed back, bored with the process. And the aggressive alter waited for another opportunity to go at their auntie. 

The alters had been present since Dan was a child. Dan thought everyone had the same voices and personalities in their head. It wasn’t until he was in primary school and he asked his mate about his alters that Dan figured out he was a little more unique than other children. Thankfully, they were young enough that the mate didn’t pay it much mind and it was never spoken about again. 

As Dan aged, he developed some control over who came out and took lead but not always. 

This was most evident in their notebooks. 

Conversations upon conversations could be read between the various personalities. 

Typically, Dan let whoever wanted to speak take the lead and he observed. They were better at conversation and songwriting then he ever could be with the craft. 

“Comfortable?” Kyle asked as he brushed his hand through Dan’s hair. Sophie said that Dan was allowed to sleep now. There had been enough time that had passed that sleeping would be alright. 

The alter that would self-harm was threatening to make himself be heard with his flat expression and monotone, but Dan pushed him away because Dan liked Kyle best of all of the alters. 

“Yes.” Dan closed his eyes and smiled into Kyle’s chest. Dan pushed away the smug alter in his head that was gloating that their auntie was in hospital. He had been the one that snapped at her and pushed her down, making sure that she was pushed with enough force to hit the wall behind her. “You are the best pillow.” 

“I let Coop know that I am not working tomorrow.” Kyle spoke into Dan’s hair and it made every nerve in their body react with a pleasant hum. “We have all day to lounge and cuddle.” 

“We could watch a film.” Dan said sleepily into Kyle’s chest. They were knackered and needed rest. Tomorrow was another day. Another day to spend with Kyle. “I will even let you pick it.” 

“Something silly. A Disney film perhaps?” Kyle’s voice was even and his hand continued through Dan’s hair. 

The youngest alter loved Disney films and made a noise of happiness. The aggressive alter that would sleep during the film let out a loud sigh. Dan’s smile increased. “It has been ages since I watched a Disney film. Sounds like the best plans.” 

“Sleep now.” Kyle kissed the top of their head and Dan felt himself slipping. 

Maybe he would let the aggressive one take over tomorrow as well. A reward for allowing the younger one time to enjoy an innocent film for once. The aggressive one was anxiously waiting to have more time with Kyle in the shower. Or anywhere where clothes were not involved. 

“Goodnight, Kyle.” Dan let out a deep breath and barely heard Kyle repeat the wish back to him with the chatter in his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprised?


	29. And now through and through, I've come undone

Kyle smiled seeing Dan sat outside his work building. For the past four days, Dan had given him the same happy eyes each time he saw Kyle leaving work, but each time it was amazing. 

Dan had been staying with him since the incident with his auntie. Sophie and Richard received a phone call yesterday from Dan’s foster care worker, Emma, that stated Dan’s auntie was doing well and should be discharged from the hospital soon. 

Dan did not take the news well and hid in Kyle’s room for the remainder of the night. Kyle almost did not go to work this morning, but Dan told him he needed to go so he wouldn’t be fired. Kyle had already missed enough work because of Dan and he didn't want Kyle to have a bad upcoming court session because Dan had messed with his work schedule.

“Hello.” Kyle kissed Dan’s lips and took his hand as they headed toward the Tube. 

Dan had a bit of a skip in his step and it made Kyle’s heart warm that Dan appeared to be himself again. Last night, Dan had gone quiet on him and it had been ages since Dan reverted that far back into old habits with Kyle. 

“I have an idea for our flat.” Dan kept his eyes looking forward as he spoke. “Maybe we have a massive cushion we put on the ground for us. And Ginni, of course. But we can lie on it and cuddle when we are not revising.” 

“Sounds wonderful.” Kyle used his card to pass through the turnstile to the Underground. Watching Dan complete the same task, he was not surprised that Dan’s hand found his own as they walked toward the train. Dan bounced a bit against his arm and Kyle had to comment on Dan’s good mood. “You are awful chipper today.” 

“Am I?” Dan leaned over and kissed Kyle’s cheek as the doors closed to the train. Leaning against the plastic partition near the door, Dan pulled Kyle back to lean against him. “I missed you. I read for most of the day but you are better than some fantasy adventure. Or some grim tale.” 

Kyle used his hand on the plastic near Dan’s head to keep him from completely crushing Dan as the train started to move and push him into Dan’s body. “I missed you as well. Filed literally a thousands files today. My hands would much rather be doing something else with my time.” 

Kyle found Dan’s whole face changed and he had to smile at the smirk Dan was giving him. If they were not in public, Kyle was certain that Dan would be acting on that smirk. 

Dan and he had been using their time together to explore more boundaries with each other. More showers taken together and more nights spent with hands moving across skin before falling asleep. 

Each night they fell asleep wrapped up in one another, but most mornings Kyle found Dan asleep around his room. Normally Dan would have a book open in front of him or a pencil falling from his notebook. 

After the second morning in a row of waking up to Dan not in his bed, Kyle asked him what was going on. Dan shook his head and said it was nothing. He struggled to sleep at times and his body would simply exhaust itself at random moments. 

Kyle acted like he understood but he was still a bit concerned that Dan would find his way out of his bed at such an alarming rate. 

“Tonight, will you stay in my bed all night long?” Kyle kissed along Dan’s cheek to his ear so he could whisper the rest. “I want to feel you against me when I wake up.” 

Dan pushed against Kyle’s waist to get Kyle to move away to look at him. “I will try. No promises.” 

“Okay.” Kyle smiled back and they spent the rest of the ride talking about their days. 

Dan gave him a deep kiss on Kyle’s front step before they entered the flat. While they were comfortable kissing here and there around Kyle’s foster parents, Dan told Kyle he wanted one last kiss before having an audience. 

Kyle obliged and even had his hand moving up Dan’s back before he was pushed away. 

“Not here.” Dan worked on regulating his breathing and he pulled away from Kyle. “Later. A short while later. Alright?” 

Kyle nodded his answer as he found words were difficult to form. This kissing and touching Dan thing was progressing to where Kyle wanted more from him. Maybe they could talk about that tonight. Dan seemed willing most of the time, but that was something they needed a proper conversation about before they moved forward. 

Dan opened the door and walked in first because he had grown comfortable enough living there to take the lead walking into Kyle’s home. If Kyle could have his way, his home would be Dan’s home until they both moved out together for uni. 

As they entered the lounge, Kyle ran into Dan’s back as he abruptly stopped walking. 

Using his hands around Dan’s waist to steady himself, Kyle heard a voice he was not prepared for and panicked wondering if he needed to keep his hands where they were to prevent Dan from hiding. 

“Daniel.” Dan’s auntie spoke as she sat on the sofa in Sophie and Richard’s lounge. She was dressed in all black and wore dark rimmed glasses to match her clothes. 

Kyle had the sick satisfaction of wondering if Dan had broken her red rimmed glasses after she threw the drinking glass at Dan’s head. Kyle would have done the same, given the situation. 

Kyle felt Dan’s whole body tense and he stepped to the side to take his hand. Dan rejected Kyle’s hand and pulled away from him. 

“What are you doing here?” Dan’s voice went low and deep as he narrowed his eyes in on his auntie. 

Thankfully Sophie and Richard were sat on the opposite side of the room. Kyle took comfort in that. Because otherwise he might jump over the back of the chair in front of him and smack her himself. Which would go against so many rules of his probation that he would be back in custody before the end of the night. 

“I needed to talk with Sophie and Richard.” Dan’s auntie sat up straighter and Kyle saw that one side of her face was still bruised. Much like Dan’s face was until only two days ago. “I was released from hospital and heard the message from Emma that you were here. Emma said she brought you your medications, but I needed to know that you were alright.” 

“What did you tell them?” Dan’s voice stayed deep and Kyle felt the negative energy being projecting off him. Kyle wished he could take Dan’s hand but even if he had not rejected it, now it was balled up in a tight fist. “She lied. Whatever she told you, she lied.” 

“It is alright, Daniel.” Sophie’s voice was calm and even. Kyle had the weird realization that Sophie had never called Dan “Daniel” before and it seemed strange. Dan’s auntie called him “Daniel” and she must be using that as an example. “Clara explained everything to us. All is well.” 

“I’m not going home with her.” Dan shook his head and took a few steps backward, his fists still balled tight. “She lied. We want to stay here.” 

“Daniel, you are welcome here anytime.” Richard had the same calming tone to his voice but the whole situation was anything but calm for Kyle. “But for right now, it is best that you go home with Clara.” 

“No. She lied.” Dan looked to Kyle and then his whole demeanor changed. His fists released and his face changed from angry to scared. Walking toward Kyle, he wrapped both of his arms around Kyle’s back and hid his face into Kyle’s throat. Whispering, Dan said, “Don’t let her take me. Please, Kyle. Please. We want to stay here.” 

Dan was shaking against him and Kyle instantly wrapped his arms around Dan’s back to hold him close. Looking over Dan’s shoulder, he scanned the room between his foster parents and Dan’s auntie to attempt to figure out what everyone else in the room seemed to understand but he was not aware. 

“Kyle has Dan ever told you his diagnoses?” Sophie slowly stood from her spot next to Richard and walked closer to the pair. “About the medications that he takes?” 

Kyle nodded his head because Dan hadn’t outright said the diagnoses to him, but he knew Dan. Dan was like him. Someone that knew pain and heartbreak and was struggling to make it through an unfair world that seemed to be stacked against them. Dan had anxiety features and depression due to the trauma of his parents’ deaths and having to stay with Clara. Someone who did not want him and was not nice to him. 

And Kyle had seen Dan take the medications when they were at the treatment facility. And everyday that they had been together. Dan took them in the morning and then again at night.

“So you know-” Sophie was cut off by Dan shouting out to the room. 

“Fine, I will go.” Dan stepped back away from Kyle and hid his eyes from him. Pulling up his hood to cover his head, Dan moved toward the door and shouted for his auntie. “If we don’t leave now, I’m not going.” 

Clara stood and nodded toward Sophie and Richard. “It was nice meeting you. I will be in touch soon to discuss the rest.” 

Kyle felt even more confused and wanted to pull Dan back to him, but the situation was all too strange and he felt like he skipped a few pages in a story he didn’t even realize he was reading. 

“Kyle.” Clara nodded her head toward Kyle as she passed by him. “Thank you for taking care of him for me.” 

And then they were gone and Kyle was left looking toward Sophie and Richard for answers. 

“What the fuck just happened?” Kyle felt his voice rising but he didn’t care because nothing made sense. Dan would never just go with her. Dan hated her. Hated living with her. And she had hurt him. She was mean to him. Raising his hand toward the door, Kyle vaguely gestured toward it and tried again. “Why does she get to have him back? Why is she not in a cage somewhere? She hurt him! She is horrible to him! And you let her take him? Why?” 

“Kyle, maybe it would be best for you-” Richard tried but Kyle cut him off. 

“No. Tell me what the fuck happened. What don’t I know?” Kyle lowered his hand and found he didn’t know what to do with his arms so he hugged his chest. “There is something I don’t know and I deserve to know.” 

“Please sit with us.” Sophie walked closer to him and gestured toward the sofa. “We can sit and we will explain it to you. Dan is fine with her. We promise.” 

Kyle wondered if he was dreaming because it didn’t seem real. Dan was here, safe, with them and now he was back with his auntie, unsafe. Richard and Sophie were good people. They knew about foster children and the right way to do things. They would never let Dan go back with her. Never. 

Kyle didn’t know what else to do, so he slowly walked himself to the sofa and sat across from them. His arms stayed locked against him and he could feel his heart pounding in his ears. “Go on.” 

“Dan has had a long history of mental health services. Did he tell you that?” Sophie asked yet didn’t wait for a response. “He has been hospitalized at different facilities. The first when he was eight-years-old. He tried to kill his sister with a knife. The psychiatrist that evaluated him found something unique with his answers. Dan had no recollection of attempting to hurt his sister. However, _Daniel_ could tell the whole story.” 

“That makes no sense.” Kyle looked to Richard to see if he understood. “What is she on about? Dan and Daniel are only different forms of the same name.” 

“Typically, yes.” Richard nodded his head. “However, what the psychiatrist found was that Dan and Daniel were really two different personalities. Daniel was the one that attacked the sister. Daniel is one of Dan’s alters. Daniel protects Dan. Not always in the best ways, but always with good intentions. Daniel attacked Clara the other night. He threw the glass at her and then must have hit himself over the head with the other.” 

“You are mad?” Kyle let out a laugh and uncrossed his arms. “You believe that? Really? The same person that has sat at your dinner table? Clara lied. She lied. Dan said she would lie and say horrible things about him. Clara is mean to him. She is not nice and he should not be with her. He should be here, with me.” 

“Clara admitted that she is not always the best with Daniel. She knows that Daniel does not like her. However, she is Dan’s guardian and will likely be for some time. Given Dan’s violent outbursts, she will need to monitor him.” Sophie waited for the information to set in and then continued. “She will be Dan’s guardian even after his eighteenth birthday. He needs someone to monitor his medications, appointments, and to coordinate when he needs hospitalization. Dan’s parents put that she would remain his guardian in their will. They feared that something might happen to them and Dan would be lost in the world.” 

“We are going to uni together.” Kyle sat back on the sofa in utter disbelief and looked between them. He felt high. What they said was insane. Clara had poisoned them. “We have plans. He is going to turn eighteen and get his inheritance. We are going to get a flat together. And a dog.” 

“I’m sorry but that is not able to happen.” Sophie leaned forward and rested her hand on Kyle’s knee. “Dan needs to stay in his aunt’s care. There are more alters and Dan does not have full control over them. Uni would be too stressful for him. Living on his own would be too stressful for him.” 

“You are wrong.” Kyle pushed away her hand and stood. “She lied. She lied and you believed her. You let her take him. You are horrible parents. Awful people.” 

Kyle started toward the door and ignored their empty attempts to get him to stay. 

Kyle was done being good. 

Being good never got him anything but heartache.

If the world was unfair, then Kyle was done playing by the rules.


	30. Someone Like You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Triggers.

There was a scratching sound coming from behind the door that made Kyle both smile and take a deep breath in anticipation. 

Opening the door, Kyle hunched down to pet the wild animal bouncing on him and letting out soft barking sounds of joy. Kyle was not at all embarrassed that his voice went up a few pitches while he spoke to her. “Hello, there. I know. I know. I missed you. I have been gone forever! Literally forever. Like two hours, but forever!” 

Ginni was a pup with fuzzy white hair, two dark brown ears, and a light tan 'eye patch' covering her left eye. The rescue said that she was a fox terrier but likely mixed with another terrier. She was likely to stay small and would do well in their small flat. 

She did come with a strong warning to exercise her every day or she would go wild in the flat without structure. 

Ginni let out another bark in reply and licked his face before doing an acrobatic move that turned her completely around. Looking over her shoulder and titling her head to the side, she gave Kyle a look like he was holding her back. 

“I know. I am slowing your roll. Where is he? Huh?” Kyle made sure the door was shut behind him and returned the lock to its place. The flat was not that large but Kyle acted like he didn’t know where to go so Ginni could guide him there. Another warning from the rescue was that terriers are a hunting breed and they loved to have jobs to occupy them. “Let’s go find him.” 

Dan was sat on the sofa with his legs folded so his feet were underneath his knees. He was sat near the window. The sunlight was coming through the window from the side and creating an ethereal glow to Dan’s blond white hair as he read a rather large book. 

Ginni did a running leap jump off from a stack of books onto the sofa next to Dan and put her small, fuzzy paws on his knee to get his attention away from the boring book. Dan smiled and scratched behind ears, rewarding her for ‘finding Kyle’ and bringing him to Dan. “Who did you find? Who is here?” 

Ginni barked in reply and curled up back in her place on Dan’s lap. With Dan sat with his legs folded, he created the perfect safe space to rest. The dog bed lying on the floor was a complete waste of money.

Resting her head on his knee, she let out a long sigh and closed her eyes. Content to sleep in the sun and the warmth of her human. She had found her human for her other human. A job well done. 

“Hello, love.” Kyle leaned down and gave Dan a kiss on his mouth before laughing at the sight in Dan’s lap. “She woke up only for me? I thought maybe you would bored her by reading all day and she would be bouncing off the walls when I returned. Since I am the fun one.” 

“She is a growing puppy, Kyle.” Dan closed his book and gently moved it to the table in front of him. A move he had likely been practicing because Ginni was not disturbed by the movement. “We went for a walk after you left. Ginni is 0-5 for squirrels today. She has been sleeping ever since. Woke up long enough to guide you back to me. Admit it, she loves me best.” 

“Lies. All lies.” Kyle sat down next to Dan and gave him an obnoxious grin. “She loves me more. That is why she woke up for me. And came to give me kisses.” 

“If you need to believe that, okay.” Dan grinned back and pushed up his glasses. They were clear and went well with his hair colour. “Tell me about your day. Since I was ‘stuck in with the dog.’ You were not gone long.” 

“They listened to the tracks and said they would let me know. Met with the other over coffee and they said the same.” Kyle leaned his head against Dan’s shoulder and followed Ginni’s lead by closing his eyes. One of Dan's alters had been full of energy last night and kept Kyle up talking. “Now we wait.” 

“We can make more music.” Dan kissed the top of his head and then leaned his chin on Kyle’s head. “There was a lot of chatter today.” 

“I will never quite understand that. I mean, I know it works for you and all now that you have them under control.” Kyle moved his head and looked toward Dan. “Good thing I can tell the difference between everyone now. At least, most of the time. Izzie did not like me cuddling up against her during the film last week.” 

“She is five and you were interrupting her favourite film. Of course she is going to freak on you.” Dan leaned his head back against the sofa and looked at Kyle’s sleepy eyes looking back at him. “She doesn’t get to come out that much and you ruined it for her. Meanie head.”

“I didn’t know.” Kyle shrugged his shoulder and reached over to smooth down the dark hair behind Ginni’s ears. “Now I know. Most of the time.” 

“Tell me more. About your day.” Dan’s hand moved to smooth down the fuzzy hair on Ginni’s back and Ginni let out the softest of content sounds. The dog was spoiled beyond belief. “What did they like?” 

“They didn’t really say. Only that they were interested. They thought it was a bit strange that there were so many different styles, but tied together with the same lead vocal. They thought it was unique.” Kyle’s attention moved from his hand back to Dan’s face. “I didn’t go into the whole DID thing, but I told them that it was an eclectic band that had many influences. And that we like to do the unexpected.” 

“You are a great AR person.” Dan smiled and let the silence take them over. 

Soon Kyle allowed the warmth of the sun and Dan, and Ginni, to lull him to sleep. 

Waking from a quick kip, Kyle found that both Ginni and Dan were gone from the sofa. But there was music coming from the other room so it was an easy trail to follow. 

Standing and stretching, Kyle went to find which alter was making music now. From the sounds of the horns, it was likely Dan himself. Or maybe Ricky. 

Kyle’s life was a mysterious adventure and he loved it. 

*How did they get to their happily ever after?*

Kyle stood outside Dan’s flat and stared at the door. Kyle was breaking curfew and would have to answer to the courts. That was a given. But what would he need to answer for? 

Kyle felt like if he knocked he ran the risk of Clara opening the door. If he entered on his own, he ran the risk of Clara being on the other side and preventing Kyle from seeing Dan. 

Or whoever Dan might be. 

Kyle was still not 100% sold on the explanation that Clara gave his foster parents. Kyle needed to hear it himself before he would make any decision on the matter. 

Taking a deep breath and slowly letting it out, Kyle tried the door and found it was unlocked. 

Opening the door and peeking his head inside, Kyle found no sign of anyone home. Which was fine. Kyle’s plan was to go to Dan’s room and hide out there. Eventually Dan would go there and he would be waiting for him. 

Or Dan would already be there and Kyle could talk to him. Not Clara or Kyle’s foster parents, him. 

Closing the door without a sound, Kyle made little time between his foot touching the rug in the lounge to Kyle opening Dan’s bedroom door. 

Dan’s room was bare and dark. Kyle turned on a bedside light and sat on the ground with his back to the bed. If someone opened the door, they would not be able to see him. 

Using his hands to push his body up so he was sitting straighter, Kyle’s pinkie finger brushed against a notebook. Looking to it, Kyle slid it out to him and quickly opened it. 

Dan said he was allowed to read them and maybe they would hold some answers. 

The notebook in his hands had little to it. Mostly childish scribbles and, quite randomly, unicorns and rainbows? 

Setting it to the side, Kyle reached back to blindly grab for another notebook and found it with dialogue. Lengthy dialogue that seemed to be between two people. 

Dan had told him that the notebooks were conversations and stories. Ways to get out the words in his head because he didn’t like to talk. The notebook in his hand seemed to be a prime example of that. 

Kyle skimmed through the first half of the book until his eyes found the word “accident.” 

Flipping back a few pages, Kyle started to read from there and his breathing quickly increased as he read through the description of the car accident that would take Dan’s parents and spare Dan. 

There were no names listed, but it seemed that Dan was having a conversation with someone through the pages. 

Someone that was quite angry and upset with Dan’s parents. The person went on for a full page about how Dan’s parents were holding “them” back. 

Dan's parents apparently had a conversation with “them” about their future and had mentioned that they would seek guardianship past their eighteenth birthday. The parents had concerns about their safety and Dan being able to make decisions in his best interest. 

The person writing went on and on about not needing extra protections and that “they” could management “themselves.” Then it went on about how car crashes could be faked to look like accidents. How it would be simple to “accidentally” do something that might cause injury. Or death. 

Kyle had to read the last sentence of the page twice before his mind could process it. 

**The threat to our life needs to be eliminated.**

Turning the page, Kyle saw the plea from Dan to not go to such extremes and the theory that they could use other means. 

The handwriting turned darker and more erratic, like the person was writing with strong pressure and fast across the page. Again, it went on and on about needing to do something before it was too late. 

The paragraph ended with: **It is the only option.**

That was the end of the conversation and the notebook. The rest of the pages left blank. 

Reaching for another one, Kyle found more scribbles and lighter stories about school and mates. 

Putting that one down, Kyle reached for another one and found the dark and sloppy handwriting that was similar to the one with the car accident. 

The sentences repeated themselves yet made little sense. Almost as if words were simply put together. Kyle found the handwriting went on for ten pages. All the same random words repeated. 

Then it switched to a dialogue between two other random people. 

The overhead light turned on and Kyle startled. He was low to the ground and the bed was high. If he stayed still, they wouldn’t see him. 

Hopefully, Dan would give him a sign and he would make himself known. 

If it was Clara, he would stay hidden. 

The wardrobe opened and shut with a loud sound. Slowly turning his head, Kyle saw Dan stood with his back to him. 

Kyle felt relief and went to say his name. Sitting on his knees, Kyle swallowed and found he had no words. 

“Kyle?” Dan’s voice was low and even as he turned with new clothes in his hands. Dan looked around the room and then back to him. “Are you really here?” 

Ignoring the question because his brain was going rapidly, Kyle asked, “What happened? Are you alright?” 

Dan didn’t answer him but proceeded in taking off his clothes and putting on new ones. The old ones, which were really Kyle's since Dan had been staying with him, were set in a pile and kicked into the corner with the rest of his dirty clothes. 

Dan walked toward Kyle and looked toward the notebooks. Kyle felt his heart rate increasing and he realized he was afraid. He was afraid of Dan. He would never imagine he would have that feeling. 

“They like to write. And draw. Izzie loves to draw. I think she believes she is telling her own story through the drawings. Ricky humours her by writing the words for her at times.” Dan hunched down and sat back on the heels of his feet. Picking up one of the notebooks, he raised it up. “Come across any of my writings yet? I tend to get a bit passionate when I write.” 

“I dunno.” Kyle’s mouth was dry and the adrenaline was racing through him. Dan blocked Kyle’s exit to the door but Kyle started to plan how quick he could be to jump up and over the bed in the position he was in if needed. “Aren’t they all you?” 

“No.” The notebook was set down and Dan fully lowered himself to the floor. Sitting with his legs crossed in front of him, he rested his hands on his knees. “Dan didn’t tell you about this. Figures. He gets embarrassed. Scared even. I thought maybe James would have filled you in. He is a chatty little fellow. He gets excited about random things. Ricky is the downer. Likes to try to kill us every now and then. Dan cuts but Ricky tries to kill. It’s very sad.” 

“Who am I talking with now?” Kyle relaxed a bit and sat back as well. His guard was still up but he wanted to talk and figure this out. He came here to speak with him. Dan would not hurt him. 

“You can call me Philip.” Dan leaned forward and smiled. “People that don’t know better confuse me with Daniel. They think he is the one responsible for protection. That is alright though. They can think that. I would prefer to remain anonymous. You should feel special. You are the only person that knows I exist. Dan doesn’t even know about me. Izzie definitely does not know about me. She would be afraid and I cannot stand to listen to young children cry.” 

Kyle must have had a look of fear flash across his face because Dan, or Philip, leaned back and dropped his smile. 

“Please don’t be frightened of me. Dan really loves you. You are good for us.” Philip ran his hand across his forehead and Kyle realized he was not wearing glasses. Maybe Philip didn’t need them? “I won’t hurt you. Unless you hurt us. Those fancy people that try to figure us out would say that I engage in splitting. Or, for us common blokes, all-or-nothing thinking. Simple maths for me. One equals one.” 

“I don’t want to hurt Dan. I love Dan.” Kyle tried to swallow to get more moisture back in his mouth but it didn’t work. “I don’t think Dan’s parents wanted to hurt him either.” 

“Oh, you figured that out?” Philip looked toward the notebooks. “I guess I should have been more careful with that. You remember which one it is? I need to burn it. I would hate to have an intelligent detective come across that little gem of evidence.” 

Kyle found himself pointing to the blue notebook before he could process what was said. “You wrote to Dan in that notebook.” 

“No. I wrote to _Daniel_ in that notebook. Daniel is cool with me. He likes to take the credit for my work. It is alright, though. He is young and cannot control his temper. It builds his self-confidence to know that others think he is powerful. Clara was not helpful to Daniel’s self-confidence. Not the mothering type, you know?” Philip picked up the notebook and looked through it. He was reading through the words and then closed it up. “You were right. Cheers.” 

“No problem.” Kyle crossed his arms around his waist and waited. Philip kept his eyes on him and Kyle had to ask. “What?” 

“Can I tell you a secret? A secret that you need to know but cannot speak about until Dan or Daniel tells you?” Philip sat still waiting for a response. Kyle nodded his head because everything felt surreal, so why not? “Daniel was hurt when he was young. A man that had no business interacting with children hurt Daniel. Everyone called Dan ‘Daniel’ back then. After that man hurt him, Dan refused to be called that again. I didn’t exist yet. Otherwise I would have killed him. No one hurts children. Especially sweet children like Daniel was before that man hurt him. I don’t like to listen to young children cry.” 

Kyle felt ill. Physically ill. And he was not ready for the next part. 

“Did you figure out that I killed Clara yet? Or do we need to discuss that?” Philip hugged the notebook to his chest and stood to stand. “She was always a nuisance. She never outright hurt him until the other day. So I let Daniel deal with her. Break some of her things. Steal and hide her things. I was waiting until Dan was older but then you had to come along and make him all happy. Give him hope for a life outside of these walls. She built a prison for him. You realize that? A prison with things but not people. People need people. Or, in Dan's case, person.” 

Kyle looked up as Philip stood and he found his body was still frozen in place. Philip knew about Kyle’s little joke. Dan was molested as a child. Philip killed Dan’s parents. Philip killed Clara. Dan was going to prison. 

"Oh, one more thing, while I have you. This substance use and court thing, is that going to be an issue? Because Dan is attached to you now and you need to stay in his life." Philip gave him an uneven smile. "Otherwise, I killed Clara for no reason." 

"It is not going to be an issue." Kyle looked to his hands and found they were shaking. 

“Come on now, don’t just sit there.” Philip shook his head and lowered his hand down to help Kyle up. The same hand that Kyle had held multiple times but now seemed foreign to him. “I need to ring the police and you need to go home. Sorry I let Clara take him away from you. But, I couldn’t very well eliminate her at yours. Needed to be home for that. Put her in her fancy bathtub with her wine. She loved her wine. I thought I killed her with that push after the throwing the glass stunt. I dunno. Learn from our failures.” 

Kyle took Philip’s hand and stood without thinking about it. The whole conversation did not make any sense and he needed fresh air. He needed to get outside to breathe and think. And be away from Philip. 

“Tell them that you needed a minute to process everything. That you are sorry. You will never do it again. You are gutted about learning about Dan. Upset that Dan needed to go back with Clara. Blah. Blah. Blah.” Philip opened Dan’s bedroom door and stood by it, waiting for Kyle to walk through. “And then act sad. Dan will need to go back to hospital for a bit. He is not going to like being away from you, but he is going to be in shock that his auntie topped herself. Dan doesn’t know about me. He doesn’t know about the truth behind the car accident. He will not know about Clara. I think you understand that.” 

Kyle nodded his head and walked through the doorway. Turning back, he stood looking at Philip’s face to see if Dan was anywhere inside. All the same features were there but that was not his Dan. 

“I will tell him that you love him. Or Daniel will.” Philip rose his hand to guide Kyle with his hand on Kyle’s back. “Go on now. Before someone sees you here and makes assumptions. People can be manipulated to believe things, but only without strong evidence to the contrary.” 

Kyle walked down the stairs one foot in front of the other until he reached the bottom. Continuing with the same monotonous movement to the front door, Kyle found his brain actually hurt. 

“Kyle?” Philip called his name and Kyle turned toward him as he stood right outside the front door. “Remember. This didn’t happen. You were not here. Otherwise Dan will know about me and that Clara didn’t really kill herself. It will not be good for him. They don’t want to spend their life in prison. I would do well there, but the others? Not so much. I will not listen to Izzie cry because there are no pretty colours in prison.” 

Kyle nodded his head once and watched as the door was closed. 

Much like when he arrived, Kyle stood staring at the door lost at what was happening. 

After some time, Kyle turned and made his way back to Sophie and Richard. 

They were waiting for him when he returned. They didn’t shout at him. Only relieved that he had come home. 

The word “home” repeated in Kyle’s head as he hugged both Sophie and Richard at the same time. 

Kyle wanted to cry, but it wasn’t time yet. 

He would save his tears for when Dan’s foster care worker called Sophie and Richard tomorrow. To tell them about Clara. And Dan’s hospitalization from the trauma of having to witness another guardian’s death. 

Kyle was going to cry tomorrow and ask them to take Dan on as a foster child. He was going to beg to have them take guardianship of Dan. Adopt him. Anything to keep Dan with him and not within the foster care system. 

Otherwise, Kyle was going to wait until he was eighteen and then file with the court for guardianship. 

Kyle or his foster parents would be much better for Dan than his sister. 

And it would be better for Dan’s sister if she never had to interact with Philip. Much, much better. 

*****

“Hello, love.” Dan smiled at Kyle as he entered the room. “I had an idea and decided to go with it. Mum called and asked if we are going to theirs for Sunday dinner?” 

“Only if dad makes his famous pasta.” Kyle hugged Dan from behind as he sat on the piano bench. Holding Dan close to him, Kyle rested his head on top of Dan’s hair and laughed. “Ginni is going to love meeting her grandparents. Speaking of, where is she?” 

As if on cue, there was a loud crash from the kitchen and both groaned as they stood to go investigate the noise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I write from a vague idea of theme and see where the story takes itself. This one threw me for a loop. 
> 
> I had been wanting to write a story that had mental health themes. But then the observation of Dan using "us" or "we" when referring to himself butted its way in there as well. 
> 
> As always, this is fiction and not true for all DID cases. The story is dramatized for effect. 
> 
> Thank you for taking this insane little ride with me. I appreciate all the likes and comments.


End file.
